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Character Chris

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A Meeting

"Just, uh.....a moment!" I call out, trying to figure out how to NOT look like a complete, classless slob. I grab my shirt and pull it out in front me, actually seeing it for the first time long? Crap! Snapping to, I upshift my mind and BING - have an idea. I snatch the remote for the living room ceiling fan off of the wall and pry it open. Next, I haul my phone out of my pocket. 22 missed calls, voicemails, and texts, ugh, whatever, no time. The battery is at 16%, it'll have to do. I flip through my lenses, inspecting my phone. Yes....yes....mhmmm, ok yeah everything I need. "Right!" I exclaim. I concentrate and in a single motion do something that someone from the outside could only describe as smashing my phone into the controller. The phone slides off onto the floor with a clunk. A defeated, "brilliant," slips from my lips. "Just.....sorry, um...... a moment longer." "Fine, fine dear. Take your time," she reassures. I need to figure this out quick, I feel bad about keeping her waiting. Why didn't it work?! I'm missing something. Wait, no, I'm not missing something, this.....THING I'm trying to make is. I dash into the kitchen and drop my phone into the blender, pour in a half cup of tea that had been brewed at some point, smack myself in the back of the head and hock a good loogie into the blender, slap the lid on, select "puree", and hold the thing down while it bucks like a young bull. When it's good and soupy I pour the contents into both halves of the fan remote and quickly snap them together. "Thirty seconds should do it," I think. I pop it into the microwave and set it a-cookin'. Those thirty seconds seem to drag on, and on, and on. I wonder to myself, "what in the world am I doing? Katie is going to kill me when she sees this mess." 3, 2, 1, BEEP. I grab the new contraption from the microwave, head to living room, stand under the fan, choose setting "2," and push the power button. The fan begins to spin up, faster and faster. That wobble is making me slightly nervous. I hold my arms slightly away from from body and it begins. A cloud of,.....particles? electrons?.......ETHER, begins to swirl around me from head to foot. My body and clothes are cleaned, but not like being washed. The filth is literally lifting away and disappearing into the whirlwind of ether. Suddenly I'm stunned as the new controller rings. I look it over and find the "accept call" button. "No thank you, I say, I don't need a Caribbean vacation at the moment. Can you send me plans for a matter stabilizer with retro-generation capacity?" "Uhhhhhh," is the only sound from the other end, "I don't get paid enough for this crap." Click. "How rude," I think. As the fan begins to slow the winds subside and I am standing in the same clothes I had I on before but they're fresh, as fresh as the day they were made. And I smell like...., is that, Polo? I walk to the door, turn the knob and greet my visitor. "So sorry for the wait," I say, "I needed to freshen up a tick."

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