The Ball Rolls
Dracul rose up and left Anya a note
Anya, I know I hurt you and I'm sorry. I didn't think when I tried to lie to you and myself. I am sorry. I've gone to the ranch if you want to talk. I've asked Zacarias to spar with me, and I've decided to get MaryAnn's advice on how to approach difficult subjects. I would like to talk about our fears together, but don't know how to start. When you feel ready to talk to me after the mess I've made, I'll be in the practice field. Until then, Dracul
Anya woke up not long after to the sound of a knock on the door, in a rush to get it she didnt see the note dracul had left. All she knew was that he was not next to her and she sighed and pushed down her hurt feelings as she dressed and warded her stomach to hide it and answered the door. It was Andor "good evening i hope im not to late" he said in a calm tone "no i slept more then i intended your fine, come in" she said moving aside "actually i was hoping we could walk" he said in a respectful tone "look ill be straight forward as far as males go im not as bulky which makes me like you, faster, I admire your fighting style and i was hoping you could teach me a few things before i leave in a few day" he said in a calm yet hopeful tone. Anay was silent and was weighing the pros and cons. She would have to be careful, she was so tired lately but she could help this hunter better protect himself and his family "ok, ill meet you there in thirty minutes in the sparing field dont be late" she said and he smiled and bowed "thank you" he said in a happy tone and she closed the door.
Anya got dressed, feed from a bottle and got ready, before she left she drank a herb concoction that would thin her blood so it pumped more, giving her more energy but it wouldnt hurt the baby, then left. As she walked she heard crying and found amera sitting on the ground "whats wrong now?" she said in a emotionless tone
Amera looked up and saw Anya. She had been sad moment before but now, she looked pissed.
"This is your fault," Amera said. "It was always you. Anya did this and Anya did that. 'Cousin Anya is so cool!' It's your fault he won't acknowledge me or even talk to me!"
"you really haven changed have you amera. its no ones fault but your own" She said and started walking away
"How the fuck would you know?!" Amera yelled, standing up. "Everyone loves you! If you called for help, you'd have half the world come to your aid in a heartbeat! What about us poor mortals, huh?! We get told of the trouble we caused and that we aren't worth the time it took to walk past us!" She balled up her fists. "It's people like you who make our lives a living hell! Everyone expects us to be as perfect as you, as talented as you! And yet, no one thinks about what we suffer because we can't match you! And it's all your fault!"
Anya felt the moment she almost lost control but managed to control herself. She slowly turned around and looked at amera with a stone face "I dont have time for your pity party amera, soon when you push everyone away you wont have anyone else to blame, then what will you do? go get yourself hurt more so someone will pay attention to you? it wont work, now i have a actual life to live, i dont get the luxury of lying to myself had holding up in my room while i blame the world for my own problems, goodbye" she said turning and walking away
Amera stood there for a moment before going after Anya, saying, "I'm not hiding! I sacrificed myself so that Andor's lifemate wouldn't die! I've been learning how to heal, just like Andor wants! I've tried to be more grown-up like everyone wants! But then you come along and mess it all up!" Without her realizing it, a dark and dangerous, toxic odor enveloped the area around Anya. "Every time I think I've started moving forward, I'm compared to you! I hate you! Why can't you just disappear?!"
Anya was infront of her instantly after stopping her breathing so she didnt inhale the toxins. She grabbed amera by the throat lifted her off the ground and then slammed her down. knocking the breath out of her and making the toxins disappear "you dare try to poison me out of your own piety jealousy " SHe growled and bared her fangs "amera daratranzanoff i announce you a threat to the prince and his kin, until you are deemed otherwise to the council of his peers you are to be detained" she said and knocked amera out. She informed mikhail what had happened and proceeded to ward amera inside her room after laying her on her bed. Mikhail agreed for ameras own safety and everyone else this was the best solution right now. Mikhail then sent out the news so everyone knew and would not interfere. When it was all done she went to meet Andor and was twenty minutes late when she got there. He looked upset like she expected :im sorry her actions of releasing poison while the prince and.." she was cut off by him "dont..you have nothing to be sorry for you did what was best" he said in a stressed tone "I dont know what else can be done for her cousin and im..." anya put her hand on his shoulder "i know, we will get through this, your family will heal" she said "im on your side andor" she said giving his shoulder a squeeze. He sighed and nodded "thank you...if you want to postpone " he started but she shook her head knowing this would do him some good to relieve his stress " no its ok..i understand, lets begin" she said getting into a stance and nodded and did so as well, then they began sparring. The were both fast , anya went on the defense while she waited for Andor to leave a opening, when he did she took it and he went down "dont always start with the offense, you'll tire to quickly and its harder to learn their style that way, try defense first, they will make a mistake eventually " she said helping him up "again" she said and once more they went at it
Meanwhile, Dracul stepped of MaryAnn's house. Her advise was sound but it didn't mean talking would be any easier. He started walking towards the sparring range. When he got there he found anya sparring with Andor
He went up to the fence and said, "Anya, what are you doing here?"
Because her mind had been blocked off to him during combat andor got his opening when she got distracted just for a second, even though she didnt look away from him he managed to grab he shoulder and knock her off balance. She went down hard on the wooden fence that encircled them. She knew instantly not to move as her body screamed at her and her breath was knocked out of her, she looked up at the night sky with blurry vision. When the ringing in her ears subsided she heard arguing
"You have exactly three seconds to explain," Dracul said, his voice menacing. "And right now, I'm not in the best of moods, boy."
"we are sparing why are you so upset and more then that why are you sitting here arguing with me instead of helping my cousin up or letting me help her" Andor said not backing down
"She's my lifemate," Dracul said, "and I'm upset for a shit ton of reasons you can't even fathom. No go before you find out how mad a Dragonseeker can get."
"Stop the both of you..." Anya said groaning "ANdor dont mind him, we will continue this later, im sorry i know you are having a rough night, please go see rapheal for me he can help you for tonight " SHe said and Andor nodded and left "dracul that was unnecessary" she said not moving from the ground making him worry
He went to her and said, "Unnecessary? Anya, you aren't moving. What if the baby got hurt? I'm taking you back to the house and I'm going to see what is wrong, alright? Because you being unable to move is not a good thing."
"dont touch me" she said in a urgent tone "let me rest here for a minute while i figure things out, the baby is fine but i took some herbs before i left the house that act as a blood thinner and a there is a piece of wood in my back"
"Anya," he groaned, "why would you do that? We need to get a healer here now. This is bad." She felt his hands shake, but everything else screamed calm. "I'll go get Darius. Just... don't pass out, okay?"
"wait dracul...just give me a moment ok " she said in a labored breath "we can do this a healer...will know" she said holding her stomach "we can do this, just get me the herbs and i can reverse it"
"Anya, please," he said, his voice shaking now. "No more magic while pregnant. Name one healer you trust to stay quiet. Just one, and I'll get them."
“I will heal fine and quick I just don’t want you to freak out because of the blood, you trust me don’t you?” She asked “please just get the herbs and we can do this and I won’t get hurt and neither will our son” she said “it not magic “
Amera woke up and felt emptiness around her. Zach was gone. She decided to go for a walk. Maybe clearing her head would help.
She ended up walking aimlessly and found Andor talking to their cousin, Anya, at one of the many guesthouses. She was about to go up and say 'hi' when she saw the way he looked at Anya. Amera clenched her fists, but she went up to them with a smile on her face. But each step, her jealousy grew until she was five feet away, her anger radiating from her. She's not a god, Andor. Amera said to him. Just because she can kill a few vampires doesn't mean a thing. Quit looking at her like she's your idol. She's our cousin.
When anya shut the door his smile faded and he started walking mind your our business amera, and show a little respect all you have ever done is get yourself kidnapped and hurt,
She felt like he had punched her hard. She looked at him and said, Andor... I...
He turned to face her so quickly that she almost fell from having to stop so quickly "no amera you dont deserve to speak my name as far as i am concerned we are not family because family wouldnt do what you did, i have never done anything to say that i was better then you but still you compete with me in everything! for fucks sake you had sex with a stranger just because i wasnt a virgin anymore do you know how pathetic and nasty that is no wonder your lifemate doesnt want you, i got hurt that night too because that stranger happened to be a society member, a fucking butcher amera and then if that wasnt enough you once again made childish a stupid decisions that got you kidnapped by a vampire and you have the balls to bad talk Anya Daratrazanoff! who by the way helped track the vampire that had you! you are a ungrateful screwed up spoiled little brat and as far as i am concerned you deserve everything that vampire did to you...no actually more because you never care about the people you hurt amera, mom dad me your lifemate...every hunter that was searching for you, keeping them away from their families, you dont care about them, just yourself! I wish that vampire had killed you because i know your going to screw up again and hurt someone else" he said and back handed her hard so she fell to the ground.
She started to get up. She didn't look at Andor. Instead, she just sat there, saying, "That wasn't my intention. I... I wanted to be seen. You were a hunter and I thought, if I were like that, everyone would see me. But then... things changed. I wanted you to see me as equal, to respect my skills." She looked at him then. "What is wrong with wanting your personal hero to actually see you?! Even when we were little, everything was always Anya! I'm your sister, not her! So why can't you see me, damn it?!"
"your not worth looking at and we are no longer family because you dont act like a sister or a daughter, you are twisted amera and i dont want you in my life anymore, you only care about what others think of you, you are so vein and worried about appearances , Anya was her own person, someone worth looking at, your trying to be something your not to the point it is sad and sickening and we are done all you do is get people hurt and not care about it, thats not how you treat family or friends, thats why you no longer have any and if zach was smart he would greet the dawn instead of claiming you" he said and walked away
Amera curled her knees up and put her head on them. She wanted the world to swallow her whole. She cried, not knowing what to do or how to fix it. I just... felt he was leaving me behind. I tried so hard to be like Anya, to be a fighter. If I could be a hunter, I could be beside him, and he'd finally see me and not her. Then, he wouldn't have to go away. Then, he said I was meant to be a healer, but... I even get that wrong. And nothing changes. No one will look at me. I just want people to acknowledge I exist and not just walk on by. She hugged her knees tighter. I'm scared, more scared now than when the vampire had me. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to be forgotten or tossed aside. I don't want to be a line in someone else's story. But I don't know what to do anymore. I need... help.
Amera woke up, her throat and head throbbing. More than that, she was sick. She hadn't meant to try and hurt Anya. She was angry, yes, but she didn't set out poison... did she? She thought over everything that she said and did, and she became more and more disgusted in herself. She curled up. If it had been someone else and I was looking in from the outside... She ran to the wastebasket and began throwing up. When did I become such a... a monster?
There was a knock on the door "amera its your father i know you can here me what happened, talk to me" he said through the door
She said, "I got angry and... I... I..." She threw up again. "I didn't mean to do it. It was an accident."
"talk to me amera why were you angry" he asked softly and she heard him pull up a chair to the door
"I just..." she sat with her back to the door. "When we were little, Andor and I did everything together. I loved when he said good job and when someone gave me praise. But when we visited Uncle Gregori, he saw Anya and would hang out with her. I'd try to show him things and he'd tell me how Anya did something. After that, it was always Anya. Suddenly, I was alone, compared to someone else. I tried to learn how to fight so that people would see me again. I practiced constantly and went after trouble, but it felt like nothing was ever good enough. No matter how good I got, I would be lectured, not praised. Then, I was told to be a healer, not a hunter." She pulled up her knees. "It felt like everyone was telling me everything about me wasn't good enough. I handed myself to a vampire twice, hoping that sacrificing myself for Andor's lifemate would be seen, that I'd be acknowledged for doing something good. Instead... Andor hates me more than ever." She put her head on her knees, crying. "Zach won't even claim me. I don't want him to see I'm fragile and about to fall apart with a small breeze. Today, I went walking and there was Andor talking with Anya. I felt like that child again, left behind by her brother. I tried to talk to him, but all I did was get angry at him and when he opened up, I couldn't even do anything. Then, she walked by and I got so angry. I thought I was just talking, just getting out all my anger at her. I didn't mean to try and hurt her like that. I know that I said I wanted her to go away, but... I didn't want to kill her. I didn't. I wanted my brother back, the one who told me good job and I wanted to hear that I did good. I didn't want to hear that anyone else was good, just me. But... she was right. I was passing blame to her instead of actually bettering myself. I didn't mean to hurt her like that, but I haven't done anything to fix the real problem, and now... I don't even recognize who I am anymore."
"we live a long time amera...we make mistakes but there is always improve ones self" he said softly "i wont bring up the past but i will advise that you use this time alone to think about what you want and who you want to be"
"What right do I have to want anything?" she asked. "Maybe Andor's right. Maybe I should just... greet the dawn, that way, everyone can be better off. Who knows who I could hurt next? You, mom, Andor, Zach. I've become a monster and I don't know how to fix it."
"do you know how many times you have said this since you were a kid, ive lost count.....and here i thought you were being to change" he said in a disappointed tone "killing yourself is a easy way out, its a cowards way out, instead of working hard and mending things with those you hurt"
"Then, what can I do?" she asked. "I don't know what I want or who I want to be. I don't know anything! All I wanted was someone to say 'good job'. I wanted to matter to someone. I don't want to die, dad. Not really. I just... don't want to be alone."
"maybe you should start with figuring out why we feel this way, why do you need someone to say good job to you?" he said in a concerned tone
"Because," she said, "it felt good, hearing that someone was happy because of what I did. Hearing you and Andor say how proud you were... I liked it. You were happy, and I did that for you. When Andor began idolizing Anya, even when I did something, he'd say something Anya did. I began thinking, 'Was my accomplishment not good enough? Was he mad?' I tried to be more like her so that he'd be happy with me. You too. I thought you wanted a daughter like Anya because you would talk about her with mom. I thought, 'If I'm like that, they would praise me too.' I just... wanted what you were giving her, whether I deserved it or not. I wanted to make you guys happy, to know I put a smile on your faces because of something I did." She put her head against the door, her tears running freely. "I'm selfish in wanting it, even now. I want to see you, mom, Andor, and Zach smile because I did something good. Because knowing I did that, that I did something to make you happy... it made me feel good. I brought a little bit of light to you when things were bad, that you could take a break from all the gloom around you and just... smile. When the praise went away, I wasn't the one making you smile anymore. Someone else made the clouds go away. What good was I then? If I couldn't make you smile by being me, I'd be someone else because I wasn't enough. Everyone went on and on about Anya doing this or Anya doing that. I was being forgotten. I was being left alone because someone else who was better at everything came along. And now, I've found Zach and no matter how hard I try, I'm still not enough. He doesn't smile at me like you do mom. It's always sad. I didn't make the decision to become a healer because I agreed it was best for me. I agreed because he wanted me to. If I could heal people, he'd smile and say all the things you tell mom. But still, nothing. No 'I'm proud of you' or 'Good job'. I can acknowledge that I need to choose things again or when I hurt people, I'll apologize from my very soul. But not being able to make the people I love happy, by not seeing those smiles full of joy and pride, I know I'm still not enough. So, even with Zach, I feel alone."
"Amera....you cant blame others for your mistakes and you need to figure out why you feel you need our approval so much because it worries me, this issue is from within you, not from us, no one is going to tell you good job all your life and instead of wanting to be others or getting made at others when they are better then you in something,"
She said, "Because then I know I'm needed and loved. I like hearing those things said because then... it meant you guys loved me."
“What made you think we didn’t amora..be honest with yourself for once, did we actually do anything to make it seem like we didn’t love you or was it something else” he said softly