Heartbreaks

"I may not have a pack, Gidget, but I am still a Lycan," he said, his face like stone though hurt lived in his eyes. "I have responsibilities to the Lycan people and my friends. I am the first, last, and only line in the sand between them and death. In giving up my pack, I took to the front lines in the war with the society. I had no choice in that. I gave up all my choices in that matter just to find you. And I never said I would join this group, only that I wanted to find those responsible for killing my friends. You said I could deliver justice, then refuse to allow me to do so. Make up your mind, piccola. Because I will not be toyed with just so you can try to prove who is the better warrior. I've been battling evil for over 400 years. I am not one you can go up against and hope to win."

She raised her eyebrow “really? That bracelet says other wise and I never denied you , justice is justice no matter who it’s done by” she said in a serious tone “and you act like your the prince, you are but a lone alpha, even when you were in a pack you only ruled that pack, you are also not the only alpha out there” she said with a shrug “I would know” she said turning “besides you have already taken part in their justice more then you know” she said “I have no tolerance or mercy, I can’t, not with what they do, the punishment those two face for betrayal is simple, relive, everyone of their victims last moments as their own” she said in a emotionless tone “we always fit the punishment to the crime, they took lives when it was not necessary or part of the job, their for the people they killed are considered innocent, but that being said you should know we don’t believe in right or wrong, good or evil, everyone is capable of both, but because of the situation, your people that were killed were considered innocents or what we call unnecessary fatalities”

"And just what is it this thing is saying I'm lying about?" he asked. "I never gave a commitment to this group, I am on the front lines of a war whether I like it or not, and I do have a responsibility to the Lycan people. Letting those people live is not considered justice by my people, Gidget. Letting them live is a mercy."

“Really? Because death is the true mercy, or do you not understand that, with death comes nothing, no pain, no fear, it’s the highest of mercy’s you can give someone, killing someone does not comfort the ones they harm, nothing will but , knowing that they will suffer for the rest of their days along with them is a hell of a lot more comfort then they get to die and feel nothing while they have to live and feel the pain they caused” she said with clenched fist

"And having to do that in the next world is not good enough for you?" he asked. "Because there, they have to suffer it, relive it, and accept it. You are forcing them to here. It's torture, Gidget, plain and simple."

“Let me make this clear, you have no idea what goes on after we die, none of us do, what you think you know is probably not even the tip of the ice burg” she said “are you so arrogant to really think that you know it all about what happens after death? Because if you claim to then your more ignorant then I thought” she said in a plain tone “I will never leave it up to chance and hope they get what’s coming and you know what call it what you want, I will continue to bring my justice to the world because you have no idea what it’s like, you shifter and Carpathians are so fucking conceded!” She said raising her voice “you have no idea what it’s like to be us and yet you claim to be somehow all knowledgeable well let me tell you something from where I stand your not only no better then us but you really overestimate yourselves, your all just as pathetic and weak and capable of the same monstrosities as us, you have centuries to make changes and guess what, your all failing, your still a dying breed, some already whipped out, humans will out live all your kinds, in the time span it took you to end one war humans changed the entire world, our short lives make us better and more dangerous then all the shifters and Carpathians put together, so take your afterlife and shove it up your ass you pretentious prick because at the end of the day you can go on believing in all your myths and history but the fact still remains your kind is the low man on the totem pole and you only have yourselves to blame”

"Do you honestly think we don't know what our people can become?" he asked. "Or that we don't know what limitation we have as a different species from humans? No, Gidget, I don't overestimate myself. Do you know why? Because I can't do what should be so natural to my kind. If I do, I lose myself in the chaos. I may have had a pack, but I was always alone. Not because I didn't have a mate, but because I had to keep from being part of the pack mind. I choose to learn about people the human way, to learn over time and to trust my instincts and what I learned growing up so I didn't go insane. You don't know the life I have had to live, yet you are now assuming that, because I live centuries, I don't live and interact as humans do. That is my way of life. I fought beside them in times of war, lost human brothers in the field, and wept with their wives and children for them. I turn to the good Madonna every day and ask why it was not me instead. I have helped make changes because that's who I am. I've seen good men get slaughtered and evil rise to power more times than I care to count." His fist clenched, memories flooding back and tears forming even as he shook in anger. "I have been captured, tortured, and nearly killed. I have seen the tree of life, Gidget, and always, everytime I embraced death, I was pulled back. Just when I saw the men that gave up their lives to save mine, men far greater than I, I was the one saved and their lives lost. I may be able to shift form and live a long time, but I'm more human than most Lycans. So don't tell me who the better is. I've seen who they are, and envy them. I see none of them here."

“Pity party, that all I hear” she said coldly “so what you have a hard life, we all have, but you know what I can promise you this, I will do more in my lifemate then you will ever do in yours and at the end of the day I will do more bad and more good then you or any other Carpathian or shifters she said “and since your kind lives so long we’ll then it should be a problem that I get to give my justice to the end of their days, after all a human life span is a blink to your kind, they will die one day and then you and your dogs can rest well knowing they are gone, but until then they are mine, just like they were mine first, if fact...” she said walking right up to him, she met his gaze not only with a challenge but with a threat “I’m there leader, they were my responsibility, do you want revenge on me too? Well you already got it, you did the worse thing you could possibly do to torture me, you bound me to you” she said in a disgusted tone

"How is finding your other half worse than torture?" he asked. "Enlighten me. How is it so much worse to know someone was made specifically for you so that you aren't alone in this fucked up world?"

“This union is wrong, and I don’t believe in fate or some fucked up myths of soulmates, I believe in the natural order and your one to talk, your kind can fuck whoever they want, mated or not, Jaguar leave their woman out of instinct, and the Carpathians are not special, animals mate for life as well, it’s not anything bigger then the natural order, in my opinion the Carpathian and shifters only differ from us by being closer to the natural order, more animalistic and less human, I can compare every habit, desire, need and lifestyle of shifters and Carpathians to a animal or cause. You all or not special in any way” she said “so this union is wrong because it’s the equivalent of a snake marrying and fucking a mouse, in every sense, just biological, you are a bigger apex predator then me, your stronger and faster and live longer, so it makes me wonder why you were able to mate with me and I will find out why and when I do I will prove to you I am right” she said

"Does a human eat when they hunger?" he asked. "Does a human drink when they are thirsty? Does a human lash out when pushed? Or shake when afraid? Humans live on instinct too. Just like humans, we take jobs, we make friends, and we try to live the best life me can. No creature is closer or farther from nature, Gidget. No one is above it. Lifemates, soulmates, whatever you want to call it, nature built it into us. Humans once had it too, but they stopped listening to it. They are just now trying to tap into it again only for pain to be the result. Everyone has a missing half. Humans just forgot how to recognize it."

She rolled her eyes “god...your ignorance is infuriating, I have found only one equal in this world and it’s not you, another reason why this union is a mistake, I’m already in love with someone, he is better then you in every way and I don’t care what it takes I’m not giving up on him, the only reason I accepted this union was so I wasn’t the cause of another monster in the world and because I felt pity for you, your nature is pure to you just like a normal wolves, I can’t fault you for it, but it doesn’t mean that it’s right and I hope in the future you can find a better suited mate for you, one who will love you and be the mate you desire, until then i will keep your darkness away, but this will be no more then a partnership, a relationship of convenience” she said stepping back

He followed her and then had her pinned to the wall, where he punched it by her head, cracking the wall itself, saying, "If you mean what you say, then you are the ignorant one. You would already know that by saying the soul binding, you are tied to me for all time. You will no longer be able to stand his scent, his touch, or the feel of him. I agreed to be your partner in all things, but this..." He moved back. "I'll be at the cave. When you decide to give us a real chance, come find me. But I will not simply use your body and be happy with that. The only course for it will be... madness. I will not allow you to suffer that." With that, he left.

Three hours later

He was at the cave when he got a phone call form one of his informants, just because he was giving her space didn’t mean he was going to leave her unprotected “she is heading to the airport” said his informant over the phone

"Running again," he said. "Why am I not surprised? Go after her and keep me updated. If she doesn't return in six months..."

“Sir she is not alone, I can’t get close enough, this male seems to be able to sense me if I get to close” he said “how should I proceed?” He asked

"Call our guys in the country she's heading to and bribe the flight attendants to act for us," he said. "They can keep tabs on her until you arrive on a later flight." He paused for a moment. "How is she reacting? When this man touches her and the farther she gets?"

“I have yet to see the man touch her, in fact there is always at least arm lengths distance between them, though it looks like they are getting on a private plan and oh......” the man suddenly trailed off and kirigan heard a single gun shot and the line went dead

kirigan shifted on the fly, his clothes tearing apart as he ran as fast as he could to the airport. He prayed no one, especially Gidget, was hurt. He begged all that was good in the world, every God he could think of, that she was alive. His heart raced, his mind a chaos of worry. I hoped he could make it in time. When he arrived at the private strip where his informants last locations was he found no plan, but right where it looked like one had been was his informant. Dead, a single bullet wound in the middle of his head and a note sticking out from the inside of his mouth, he dead eyes looking up at the sky still head the shock he had experienced, like his last emotion of shock and fear were forever on his face. He pulled the body into the shadows and shifted back long enough to read the note thanks for the target practice but I don’t need it, see you later, G

He went back to the cave after taking his friend's body to the forest to bury. He made a few calls to find her, her note clutched in his fist. He also said to send him information on her once found but that he would be in the form of a wolf and not to expect answers back. He would give her space and time to learn the truth of his words, of their bond, but he could not be in his human form and think about it. Without her, he was a danger to everyone around him. As a wolf, he could react on pure instinct, not a man with a broken heart. He noticed how the bracelet shined in the moonlight, it adjusted to his wolf form. He could still feel her heart beat pulsing against his skin, he found her clothes he had torn in the corner of the cave, her smell was all over them. But amount the clothes something shiny caught his eye, when he got closer, his nose burned and his eyes water, underneath ear her torn clothes was a pure silver dagger, it was sticking out of a secret pocket in her bra. He knew she had many opportunities to use that, and that dagger would easily be fatal to a shifter, even one his size, pure silver was hard to come by. He had not come across it in years

It did nothing to ease the pain. She rejected him and their bond. With his nose, he wrapped up the cloth and knife. He dug a hole near the entrance and buried the bundle. He couldn't throw it away like he wanted... but he couldn't stand looking at it either. He howled to the sky, a howl filled with pain and loneliness. A howl echoed back, a familiar one, he turned towards the entrance of the cave to see his beta standing in the entrance “hello old friend” the man said with a smile

He changed back and put on some shorts, saying, "Ciao, Cristof. What brings you here? I do not wish to stay long in this form."

He held up a letter between his fingers “Imagine my surprise when I had a stranger tell me you have mated”

"She doesn't want me," Kirigan said.

And his friend raise his eye brow “and? When has something like that ever stopped you? I mean come on kirigan I still have nightmares about eighteen forty two” he said shivering playfully and dramatically, coming in a sitting down “you know I think this is more about the heat then anything” he said before kirigan could comment “you have told many males the same thing so I’m here to tell you, what’s the first thing that happens after a male mates?”

"We turn into pups," he said. "So, what, you think I've gone off to pout? She wants nothing to do with me, Cristof. She doesn't understand what the bond between us means, even when I tell her. I explained it to her, just as I would anyone else, but it's like she doesn't hear me. Her mind is set to think of the bond as a death sentence and I her jailer."

“So stop using words, we know the bond is true, the pack felt it, treat her like you have treated us, keep her in line, respect her but give her time to find her place in this. You are alpha for a reason, no one can read others like you, that why your quick to think and quick to judge and have kept the pack alive and thriving, she is no different, you mated with her which means you found her worthy of it, I know you, if you didn’t find her worthy of it you would have taken your final run” he said patting his friend on the shoulder “so, your not going to give up, your not going to sulk, your going to do what needs to be done because your a alpha and you never back down” he said squeezing his shoulder

"And how would you approach this?" he said. "You know I can't go into her mind. I'd find too much, things that would push her farther away. I have respected her, tried to get to know her as I have done others, and still she runs. No matter what I do..."

“Maybe that’s the problem, she is not like others, she is your mate, tell me about her, why did you find her worthy enough to to mate with?”

"She managed to make it past our security into my study to get military secrets," he said. "No one had been able to penetrate our base before."

“Maybe that’s what got you interested, but you have been tracking her for seven years and I know you, I know you got as much information on her as you could, you wouldn’t mate with her just because she managed to brake in to our base” he said “come on kirigan, be honest with yourself, you’ve fallen in love with her over these years haven’t you, that why your heat got stronger”

Kirigan said, "Maybe. She's better than our best tracker, she manages to do the impossible jobs easily, and nothing shakes her... except spiders. She can't stand them." He had a soft smile. "She doesn't get too close to people, doesn't let anyone in. But when she does choose to call someone a friend, she is fiercely loyal. When she is angry, her eyes get all stormy, and..." He looked at Cristof. "What?"

“Nothing” he said with a soft smile “just, nice to see beyond that wall you put up, not going to lie after...the incident, even I thought I lost you old friend, you wouldn’t let anyone in, wouldn’t even talk to me about your troubles...” he said letting go of his shoulder and sitting back “how about this, why don’t you come back home, she will return to you and like you said she is a good tracker, and she already knows where our base is and your personal home, when she is ready to find you she will have no problem doing so, besides, we have waited long enough, now that you are mated I dare say we demand you come home, we miss you and we miss our alpha” he said “I’ve don’t my best with the pack but it’s not me, we all knew you needed to leave but if you think for one second that we accepted you were gone for good your wrong, you are as much as our alpha as you were the day you left, maybe coming back and being alpha again is exactly what you need to help you with your woman”

"Cristof, you are a good friend and the best beta I could ask for," Kirigan said. "I'll try. I can do no other." He chuckled. "Besides, I should go clean up your messes. Goodness knows I've been doing it for 300 years."

“We will call it even for how many times I have saved your life” he said with a smile “oh and maybe this will give you some hope” he said suddenly waving the letter in front of his nose. Gidgets smell filled his nose from the letter, instinctively he inhaled and Christ of opened the letter infront of his face the alpha has been mated, welcome him home it was short but he knew gidgets written and this was hers alright.

"She doesn't accept what is between us yet she does this," he said. "Imputant woman." He looked at Cristof. "Well, let's get going. I left you fighting a war with the society. Have the Scarlettis been sending aid? What about the Carpathian family? The Justicanos? Have they shared their information as promised or are they still awaiting news from their prince?"

He laughed “can’t even wait until we get on the plane? Thirty six hour flight kirigan...I want a vacation” he said jokingly as the left the cave “I’ll meet you out near when you are ready” he said giving him some privacy to pack his things.

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