No longer what I was

“I am no longer a Jaguar” she said in a sad tone “I fought so hard...so that they wouldn’t change who I was sand in the end I was changed anyways” she’s aid in a low tone

"You will always have a stronger connection to the jaguar," he said. "My family has for the last four three generations. I would be number four. You have not lost her by any means. And you will always be Angelique. No one can change your base nature. You will always be part jaguar in your heart and mind."

“I....” she fell silent and sighed “I want to go home” she said in a low tone looking at her hands

"We will once everything is taken care of," he promised. "I do not wish to stay here too long either, even if the earth does welcome me. It is not the place I rest my head. The jungles of Brazil are my home as much as yours."

She put her hands back in the water “it’s been so long....” she said in a low tone “too long..”

"I can't wait to show you everything," he said. "I found this little spring that wells up from inside a tree. It was a great find, but you have to be the size of a poison dart frog to enjoy it. As a child, I would climb to the top and just watch the animals. Eventually, I carved a basin without realizing it. I haven't seen that tree in nearly ten years. I bet it grew naturally into a somewhat larger bowl for the animals to play in."

“You are very reckless, you bind yourself to me without knowing me” she said in a sad tone “you may not like me”

"Saving a life is never wrong," he said. "It is up to you how that second life is lived. And we will work things out." He smiled at her. "If it helps, I know where the best home improvement store is so you can have easy access to the two-by-fours."

She didn’t smile or laugh, she looked at him with sad eyes , she slowly turned in his arms, it was hard to do so,she was tired and extremely sore “don’t leave...sleep next to me...please” she said in a heartbreaking tone

He contacted Erik and told him of the situation. Your lifemate needs you, he said. Do what you must for her. It is difficult after the conversion.

Roberto lifted her out of the tub and dried her off in the way of his people, saying, "Alright, I'll stay. But we need to go to ground now so you can finish healing. We will be there for two days."

“Two days...” she said in a low tone “it’s so long” she said in a distant tone

He opened the earth and said, "You will be asleep. You won't even notice."

“Wait!” She said in a scared tone “what if I don’t want to sleep” she said with fear in her eyes

"What do you mean?" he asked. "We can't keep you up too much longer. You need to heal."

“Can’t I heal without sleep?” She asked

"Not the way you need," he said. "And as the sun rises, you really won't have a choice in it. But I will always be with you when you sleep, okay?"

He could feel her fear rising and she bit her bottom lip as it shook, she looked down and nodded "Tell me why you fear sleep?" he asked. "I am supposed to aid you when you need me to. If I can ease this fear, please, allow me to do so."

She shook her head it’s nothing..” she said moving away from him and laying down in the dirt, she laid on her side and curled up and closed her eyes, when he went to ask her again he felt her slip into a Carpathian sleep
————-
Meghan was over spent, all day she had been helping with the healing, over four dozen people who had been kept for years, the trauma and pain was consuming her, but she let it. Erik was just as tired and at the end oth the night, they were happy they did not lose anyone. Micheal and Scarlett helped by making sure everyone was in a deep sleep with no chance of waking up unless Micheal and Scarlett were awake. Once everyone was settled Meghan sat down on the bed of their room

"You should rest," Erik said. "I feel your exhaustion. It is greater than my own."

“These are out last days before our final rest, I want to give them my all like I always have” she said in a tired tone lay back on the bed

"Antony is going to the school to see Xavier," said Erik. "When he gets there, we can start to relax. I know this has been difficult for you. Especially when your body wants rest but with the number of expecting mothers around you, it also tries to ovulate."

She growled “I know....” she said overnight her eyes with her arm “we haven’t made love in weeks because of it...” she said in a aching tone

"You know I can keep you from getting pregnant," he said. "It's the knowledge that giving birth now would cause you to die and me to go into the thrall that worries you." He sat next to her. "I know you. You are trying to protect me, ma petite amour."

“Erik...you said the same thing years ago and then Maddox was born, and do not mistake anything, I love our children, but nature will always find a way and I can feel it, if we lay with each other I will get pregnant “ she said with certain in her tone “and it’s taking everything I have...because god knows how much I want to touch you and...”

"I can prevent it, Meghan," he said. "Nine months is too long for us to stay here. They would come to rely on us again, and you know that cannot happen. It nearly killed you and Maddox."

“But...you know we would stay if you failed she said in a serious tone. She stood up and ran her hand threw her hair, it was as red and curly as the day he met her “god even your smell at this point is torture....”

"I want you too," he said. "So bad, it hurts. Let's talk to someone, see if they can give us a different perspective on the situation. Sometimes, having someone on the outside to look at it can put everything in its proper place."

“We are ancients erik, to be honest I was am surprised we have made it this long, our time was darker...but” she said turning towards him “something needs to be done because I refuse to spend our final days like this” she said “I can’t......god you were right, I thought back then you were crazy but, it does get stronger over time...” she said bitting her lip

"If we do this and you get pregnant, I swear, we are moving in with Maddox," he said. "I mean it. You are going to be constantly supervised and only leaving the house if it's an absolute emergency."

“Erik...the biggest reason I have been fighting so hard and not making love to you is because I know what’s going on in that head of yours, I know the thought of me pregnant s scars you but there is also another parts, the bigger part that finds the thought exciting” she said crossing her arms “I also know you worry about going and don’t feel as ready as I do, I know that’s the healer in you but...” she said with a sigh leaning against the wall “something is calling me....calling me to my final rest, I worry it means that it’s time for me to take my place at the tree” she said “we still don’t know what will happen...I couldn’t bare eternity without you” she said tears in her eyes “I’m fighting it, I am..”

He wiped her tears away, saying, "Mon amour, where you go, I go. It's that simple. We have both reached the point where we are ready for rest, that our souls reach for the calling of the tree. The real question is, do you want to? Do you feel it is the right time?"

“No time is right...not when I risk the chance of losing you forever” she said still crying “after all these years I love you more with each day and I can’t ....no ....I won’t take any risk if it involves loosing you, I will fight to live forever if that’s what it takes..”

"You won't lose me," he said, holding her close. "Where you go, I follow. I've always told you that."

“Yes but what if you can’t follow where I go...we search for so long for information and we couldn’t find any..” she said in a shaking tone, gripping his shirt

"We always work things out," he said. "Good, bad, easy, hard. We always managed. This would be no different."

“No different? It death erik! We are strong but this would be out of our control and....”

"And lifemates always find each other there because we are two halves of the same whole," he said. "The tree does not accept one without the other."

She sighed “you should move back...” she said after a moment “before...”

"Meghan, it was the only information we have that's concrete," he said. "Tree accepts both of us when we are ready to join with it, but it must be both. Besides, you are now the one holding me to you. Shouldn't you be the one letting go?"

“I.....” her hands slowly released him and moved away from him “we should go to ground...I want to rest early” she said not looking at him. She was at her end, weeks, it had been weeks, she felt not only like a big part of her was missing, but she felt almost physically sick not touching him.

"Meghan, what do you need right now?" he asked. "What comes after, we will deal with together, alright?"
————-
Scarlett sank into the bath tub, steam coming from the water, her whole body was sore and she was exhausted, in thrush she was worried she should be out and about, mentally or physically, but she kept those thoughts to herself, she heard the bedroom door open and micheals scent filled her nose, making her relax even more “thirty two adults, ten teenagers and eight kids...” Scarlett said “and ten or eleven of who knows on the run...” she said in a tired tone

Michael paced up and down the room. He wanted to hurry up and get the night finished, to get the job finished, and go back to the school. Still, he said, "We have a few helpers among the ravens and the humans keeping an eye out for them."

She used her fingers to rub her temples trying to sooth her headache “Micheal....my fire, please calm down” she said in a tired tone “what has you so anxious?” She asked

He put his hands on the sink, not looking at her. "Why didn't you tell me who the mated pair were?"

“Why didn’t you tell me about your brother?” She said and he heard the hurt in her tone “for goddess sake micheal....we just killed my uncle for mind fucking me and literally fucking me.....did you not trust me or.......”

"I had found a place they didn't go and I could finally leave those fake bonds behind," he said. "I was finished with them. I had no reason to believe that he would be going to the school. I was done, moving past it. I no longer had a reason to hold on to it or a reason to revisit it. You and our son are my family. Azalea will be my family if she is given to us. I will not let those bonds be severed. But him and that pack... easily broken, disgarded, thrown away. I want nothing to do with them."

“Yeah....” she said in a distant tone and he knew he was in the dog house. The next moment she stood up and wrapped a towel around her, to tired to do it the other way “I’m going to go make a final round...”she said going to leave

"You've been in my mind, Scarlett," he said. "You knew about them. I let you see. I did not want to be found. I didn't want to pretend to care for them. It wasn't real. Every bond in that damned pack was for convenience. If they could use you, they wanted you, but the instant you do something wrong or your family's dark past is brought up, they toss you aside. Can't you understand why I was glad to not be a part of it? To be finished with that part of my life? To have it gone?"

“Form what I saw it was not your brother that threw you away but it was you who threw him away, so guess you you seem more like? “ she said hitting home , she knew because his face went to stone and he kept her from his mind “I also saw he was not the one that treated you like they did, he was the only one on your side, but what do I know, all I have for family is a prevented evil uncle...” she said with a shrug

"Scarlett, no one came to help," he said. "The alpha disowned us from the very pack Kirigan now leads. He became the very thing that I came to despise. The alpha that took us in only did so because his mate could not give birth and he wanted her to keep trying. What more do you want me to tell you? I cannot change how I see it or how I feel. The day he became alpha, I lost what family I thought I had."

“Ok” she said in a plain tone “I may be a dragon but even I can’t move the mountain you have for a mind, but I think you should maybe rethink everything now that you have your emotions back” she said

"Scarlett, this all happened when I had emotions," he said. "When I saw him there, even wounded, I still felt the betrayal. It was like it was happening all over again. Him pulling away because of his new status. Him just dropping out of everything because he was alpha. The day I saved him from a vampire was my final goodbye to him, or so I had hoped. I don't want to feel such anger and bitterness for him, but I do. I mean, he didn't have to become alpha. We were fine as a pack of three, a family. But he tossed it aside to lead the pack that didn't want us."

“Or to make a pack that would want others like you, anyways you made it clear it was not my business when you refused to talk to me about it, but just know, that right now you might not have anything to worry about because you might lose him, after all Gidget might reject him and then we will have to kill him so just sit back and wait, maybe it will all work out in your favor” she said and left

"You never asked," he said, knowing she could still hear him. "I thought you understood why I chose not to talk about it, but I would have told you if you had asked."

“You never waited me to ask” he heard from the other room before he heard the room door shut and knew she had left.

I may not have wanted you to but I still would have told you about it, he said. I mean, we spend so much time connected, it would be stupid to think that it wouldn't be found out. Besides, when have you let someone's dislike of something stop you from finding the answers you need? I don't need to keep my past from you. It is there for you to find if you want, and you can always ask me. I hide nothing from you.

Ok fine, then why do you pretend you don’t care about him, even with me?

If I accept what he's become, then it's like I accepted that it was okay for the pack who should have rescued us to toss us aside. My father and mother needed help. They were more animal than man and woman most of the time. But the alpha didn't want our family tainting the pack. And for him to take over that same pack... How could he just accept what they did? He may have changed things, but deep down, they are the same people that would have left us to rot and die than give aid where needed. I don't want to be like that. He had people to keep him steady. I wasn't needed. I left because I didn't want to become the one person to put a stain on his image because I came to hate him for being alpha. There were already whispers that I was jealous. But he didn't have to become alpha. I just wanted us to stay away from everyone. A pack should be as close as family. We three could have made our own pack. We didn't need to go back. We were fine without them. So why did he go back when they didn't even want us? He says to change it and fix what was broken, but it was only to fix his own view of them. He accepted what they did, Scarlett, but I can not and will not.

But can you accept losing him more then you already have?

Michael walked out of the house and looked for Gidget. He had to. When he found her, he stood across the clearing from her.

"You need to leave the society," he said. "It's too dangerous. You have a mate now, and keeping it going will only get him killed."

Gidget looked up and frowned “go away micheal” she said in a serious tone “I don’t have what it takes to hear you babble like a idiot tonight “

"You nearly got him killed tonight," he said. "You in the upper ranks of the society that wants nothing more than to kill people like us and they nearly did that to him. You know a vampire runs it in the shadows. You don't even know how to battle one on the same footing as our hunters. Can you honestly say that if there was one hiccup at any time that your mate would still be alive right now?"

Her face held anger as she stood up “why would you care your just the bastard brother that abandoned him” she said in a cold tone “you want nothing to do with him and also it’s none of your god damn busy what happens between me and him”

He had her pinned before she could even blink. She couldn't move her arms from where he held them above her head and the way he was against her, she couldn't move her legs to get a good enough shot. His mouth was close to her neck, ready to bite down and the thought sickened and terrified her.

"If you can't defend against me, what makes you think you could defend against the enemy?" he asked. "And you know nothing of what is between me and Kirigan. Not a damn thing. I want nothing to do with the pack. But my brother... as much as I dislike him being the alpha, I still got news on him and kept my enemies from reaching him. This time, you are part of that enemy and I am telling you to break off from them now before I make you."

She snapped, she knew it was going to happen, she just didn’t think it would be like this, but he was the final push. The fear and anger she felt in that moment sent her over the edge. With a snap of her wrist she broke his hold and was on him. He was already so close it was unavoidable. She bit deeply in his shoulder and started clawing and hitting where ever she could.

Without too much movement, he had her pinned again and said, "You can't win this fight, Gidget. You are not skilled enough. You are a woman on top of that. You are the target that the enemy will use to get him out in the open to kill him. You are his greatest weakness."

She spit his blood onto his face “I have done more for your kind then you ever have, your the weak one here not me” she said as her eyes kept changing colors “and I’ll remember to let Scarlett know you think woman are inferior, oh wait....that’s right, how many times as she almost died since meeting you? We have know each other long before she met you and let me tell you something, you have almost gotten her killed more then anything she has ever fought, and that’s saying something, I doubt your son will even make a year if he has to relay on you to protect him

"You want to know what the enemy does?" he asked, his own eyes changing to gold. "The enemy makes you relive everything terrible you have done and uses it to control you. Especially if they have a blood bond like us."

She began struggling as he pushed into her mind and brought that terrible memory to the surface, out from behind the door she locked so tight in her mind. It played out over again and this time, she couldn't make it go away. Michael didn't allow it.

She cried out, her skin started to burn underneath his touch, the smell of burning flesh filled the area as her skin fried with his touch. Secrets that were not her own, secrets she had been forced to keep. The memories were not in order and they were hard to understand or see by anyone else but her, though micheal couldn’t see the memories, he could hear screaming by many different people, he could also hear things that along with the screaming could have easily been what some might imagine hell to sound like.