Memories and Shame 4

"I am looking after your health, piccola," he said. "I need to know why you clung to me as if I were the only thing keeping you in one piece." He wrapped his arms around her. "You are the one person I do not wish to fail."

She was silent and he felt her sigh “I was sleeping how would I know what I was doing” she said in a upset tone “also just because I am not ovulating doesn’t mean I can’t get pregnant so if you will excuse me I need to go get some contraceptives so I can avoid it”

"Two things," he said, chuckling. "One, you already know that such medicines will not work on you any longer. And two, that is exactly what it means. Lycans, Carpathians, and Guardians only have a small window of time when they can get pregnant. Your time has come and passed. Now, we wait about 100 years to try again, should we want a child at all."

She raised her eyebrows “I’ve heard of both getting pregnant when they are not ovulating, something about a spell that has been affecting the species for a few years now”

"I have not heard of it," he said, looking confused. "I do know that some women ovulate sooner than others. At this time, you should be immune to all things, natural or otherwise. I will need to visit with Cristof about this spell."

“Yeah well you do that in the mean time I heard silverbane will....”

"You will not touch that substance!" he ordered. "Not only will it not help in preventing pregnancy, but it will kill you! If you manage to survive, you will forever have the pain of silver etched into your bones! Every movement, every breath, every second of the day would be agony for you! That is but one price Lycans and Guardians pay for their gifts!"

She looked almost shocked by his outburst and even more when he forced her so suddenly to turn and be facing him, he moved her so quickly and with ease it was like her weight was nothing for him “I know what it does....I was going to say I heard silverbane will be going across seas in a cargo shipment from one of my contacts, the reason for me telling you was so you would let me go so I can go make some phone calls” she said in a calm yet unsure tone with a look of suspicious on her face “what did you think I was going to say?”

"That you were going to act foolishly as many Lycan women had in the last twenty years," he said. "They had heard of a birth control injection that used silverbane. The creator said that they removed the harmful properties, but it was not so. It was made to make the women suffer more. We lost many because they did not even think of the consequences. A single cell, a drop of nectar, or a brush of the leaves from the plant would bring endless torment. I've seen what women do to remove the offending limb from accidental exposure to it. To live with it for eternity in your bones..."

“You need to learn more history of the other species, you really..though I can’t remember her name at the top of my head but there was a warrior woman who lived to be a ancient with it in her bones” she said trying to get up again

"That was Morte de Argent," he said. "Her name was Anastasia Dubrinsky."

“That’s right she was the lifemate to the prince a while back right?” She said and realized the more she talked to him the looser his grip got

"Yes," he said. "It was Erik Daratrazanoff who did that to her. His fear over the safety of his lifemate was paramount, as she had just suffered great trauma. Erik regrets it, but he also knows that he would not change what he did if Meghan ever got hurt like that again. Anastasia never blamed him and absolved him of the crime. But it was a crime. Before her, it was Dimitri Tirunul who suffered Death by Silver and lived. Neither were comfortable after and the pain worsened as they aged, but only their mates knew the terrible truth that they carried. Nothing could remove it. The child born of them after are the only one immune to sliverbane. Indeed, it was Dimitri and Skyler's firstborn that found and studied silverbane first, surprised by the fact he was ammune to it but no others were. Even his child was not immune."

She moved out of his grip slightly “and have lived long enough, have you met any of them?” She asked

He nodded and said, "Antony and Anastasia visited the man who rescued me and my siblings. He had called to them for aid for the Justicano famiglia. I was still considered a young pup. Anastasia saw the promise in me to become an alpha, just as she was. She taught me many things in her time with us. One I would never forget." He looked at Gidget. "An alpha puts his pack first. He is a man second. I kept that idea close to me but never understood until I entered my first war. It was only after a dear friend was killed beside me did the words hit. I could have prevented the attack had I not put my safety first." He sat down. "But you do not need to hear that. Anastasia was also the one that told me of the pain she suffered and how sliverbane cause the same pain. She said she had bad days where she would awake screaming, unable to hold the pain at bay any longer. But she would power through and the next day, she found the control she needed to keep the pain from ruling her life. She visited me on the battlefield after my friend died. She was sympathetic and listened as I let the pain of losing a brother out. She said that I finally learned what she meant and that I would make a good alpha."

She sat up, he let her though he sat up too “huh....” she said in a low tone. He could tell she was deep in thought “well, since you seem to hold remorse for her then it must be serious, I better make sure that cargo disappears” she said in a confident tone

"Do not burn it," he said. "Even the smoke is dangerous. It is best to bury it, preferably someplace that it will not be able to reach moonlight or good soil. But you cannot go near it. It must be another. I have people that work the shipping yards, human friends. They will check for us and label the cargo as..."

“No” she said standing up away from him “I need to do this, it has to be me” she said in a serious tone

"You are very different from the other women," he said. "Human or Lycan, they follow my orders. You have a penchant for going headfirst into danger. I find I do not like the fear of knowing you could get hurt and I have no way to protect you."

She frowned “I know of I don’t explain this you will be stupid again and try to stop me so here it goes” she said rubbing the back of her neck “I need to do this...I need to know I still can” she said in a stressed tone “I didn’t have time to process how I would feel about becoming something other then human...I knew my limits when I was human I knew my weakness and I can study and read all I want about Lycans and Carpathians but it is nothing compared to being them” she said and started to pace a little “I already felt like I’ve lost myself to all of this change and new feelings and instincts “ she said “so I need to know that I can still...” she ran her fingers through her hair “I don’t know...still be me?” She said as more of a question “you wouldn’t understand....look just don’t get in my way this time ok”

He smirked and stood up, wrapping his arms around her as he said, "Gidget, no matter your species or title, no matter how life changes you, I know this one fact to be true. You will always be you. If it helps, don't think of these things as obstacles but tools to be used. Your hearing, sight, smell, all of it is a new tool to use to aid you at being better at your appointed task. Like a new gun. The design is different and the sights unset, but it is just another way to do your job."

“Really?” She said looking up at him with that Sarcastic look he unknowingly came to love “because if I was human I could touch silverbane”

"Okay, some limitations," he chuckled. "Just like the limitations on why you can't shoot a cannon on your shoulder." He pulled out some gloves. "These help but you will need to be careful in removing them. They are thin, so they won't look or even feel like you are wearing them should you have to touch others. Lycans use them when using silver swords, steaks, and bullets so we don't get burned when dispatching rogues or Sange rau."

She didn’t take them and shook her head “when I learn something new or train I go in head first and add later, if I get hurt it’s a lesson, of something is more difficult it’s a trial I need to over come” she said “I will test this new body like it’s a new piece of gear” she said “trial and error is the way I work”

"If I didn't have other pressing duties, I'd say I'm coming with you to prevent some catastrophe," he said, shaking his head. "But I must talk to Cristof. When I left, we had negotiations with a neighboring pack and I must know what came of it. Plus this spell you mentioned. And few other matters."

She looked at him with a suspicious expression “your...really not going to try and stop me or give me some big lecture? Or threaten me?” She asked crossing her arms

"At this time, I'm considering this a joint operation," he said. "As my mate, the alpha female in my pack, it is your duty to be where I cannot. All I ask is that you take the gloves in case something happens. I do not want you to suffer needlessly when it can be avoided. But make no mistake. The first time I feel your pain, I'm dropping everything and coming to you."

She uncrossed her arms and surprised him by asking “how many more times do you need to feed from me to be a guardian “ she asked

"One to two more," he said. "Because of the blood used to make you a Guardian, your blood is quite strong. Why do you ask?"

“Well if I fail then the enemy will have silverbane in their hands, if your a guardian you have a better chance against it, so best to do it here and now we’re you can rest and feel better before you go back” she said “after all you said your self it’s too late to turn back and it would happen eventually....though I’m sorry it not what you wanted and..” she suddenly stopped talking and frowned realizing she just admitted she heard his private conversation with chrisof “on second thought I should go eat something first before...”

"You little sneak," he chuckled. "Silverbane harms Guardians just as it harms Lycans. There is no withstanding it. And besides, I believe in fate. In my eyes, we were not meant to be born human or Lycan. We were always meant to be Guardians. We were just born into the wrong species. For now, do not worry about it. We have jobs to do. Go feed. I took much from you and it will not do to walk into battle pale and weakened. I must talk to my beta."

She looked at him and with a stubborn expression she said “I want to do it tonight, I feel the difference in strength and I will feel better knowing you have it too” she said “but don’t read to much into that it’s just simply and smart move” she said looking embarrassed and he could see the tips of her ears turning pink

He smirked at her. "I refuse."

She frowned “you can’t refuse you said it was my choice and I have decided it will be tonight, and besides I’m stronger then you so suck it up because it’s happening “ she said in almost a pouting tone as she went over to the fridge and through it open “now where are those blood bags because now I don’t trust you not to try and run from me...”

"Did you try looking in the back?" he asked as he tried to silently back out the door. Admittedly, he was having fun teasing her like this. "I think they got moved around a bit to hide them if any humans came a calling."

“I found them and if you move one more inch I promise you, you won’t be able to call yourself a alpha after the ass whooping I will give you” she said standing up straight and biting into the bag

"I'm just trying to prepare myself," he said, fighting hard to keep from laughing. "What makes you think I'm trying to..."

She flung back her hand without turning around to face him and a black steel knife with a moon rabbit on it embedded itself right next to his head. She finished the bag and turned towards him “if you take the knife out that door I will take it as a sign you are about to run, if you willing walk over to me I will let you feed from whatever part of my body you want, the choice is yours, a chase” she said with a smirk

His eyes moved around the room a second before he smiled. He walked around, as if thinking and said, "You make this a difficult decision, piccola." He stopped at the window. "I don't suppose there is a third option?" Before she could answer, he flung open the window.

She was there instantly, she grabbed his shoulder and turned him and slammed him against the wall “I will admit I’m a little hurt you didn’t choose me but that’s ok because now I get to punish you” she said with a cocky smile. She pinned his arms above his head, she had been right, she was stronger “and I know the perfect punishment, and I’m going to do it now while your still weaker then me, let’s see how you like being submissive mr alpha...or should I call you Luna for right now?”

He smiled and said, "You do realize you are floating to hold me captive, right? Because you aren't normally the same height as me. And I was only having a bit of fun, piccola. Admit it, you enjoyed it too."

“I’ll enjoy what I’m about to do much more, you will never forget tonight my dear mate” she said with a teasing tone. She moved him to the bed with inhuman speed and had him on his back with her on top. Once more she had his arms pinned and she used her legs to pin his legs “look at that nice submissive position, it looks good on you...”

"Do not get used to it, bella luna," he said. "After tonight, it won't happen again."

“I think it will, in fact I think you’ll beg me for it” she said and bent down close to his ear “I will give you a glance of the pleasure I can give you, just because I was a virgin does not mean I am naive” she said and nibbled his ear “tonight you will be screaming my name and you will beg me for it again”

"Now, you're enjoying this too much," he laughed. "Either hurry or let me get on with my work."

She pulled back and her eyes were her wolfs “it seems you need to learn how to respect your Dom” she said “so first I’ll punish you, when your ready to try again just say please mistress” she said and before he could speak again she did the one thing that his instincts rebelled against to his very soul, in a quick moment she exposed his throat and bit down

He tried to fight her. Even as pleasure from her bite went through him, his very being rebelled. But he could not move her. He didn't submit, but he could not get her to release him. He growled, a wolf trapped and ready to fight.

She growled back meeting his challenge which made him roar in defiance. He felt her hips start to grind against him.

"Piccola, let me up now," he ordered. "Because it is you, I am not attacking you, but I do not think it is a good idea to push a wounded wolf."

He felt her push into his head, she filled herself there and he found that her presence alone pushed back any bad thoughts but his wolf still wanted to show her whose boss, yet from her mind he could feel how much she enjoyed his taste. She wasn’t feeding, she was just holding him down by the bite I won’t let even your own mind interfer with your punishment she said

"Wicked woman," he said, still trying to remove her from on top of him. "You do know that you are barely stronger than me. That is why you have pinned me in such a way."

She growled against his skin and with one quick emotion she had him on his his side with her behind him, her legs kept his legs still while she kept his arms above his head using her right arm that wrapped underneath him and her hand clasped his throat making his head tilt back, he knew this was a fighting move, she could choke someone this way and they would be helpless to fight back, but when he felt her hand come around and grab his cock it became something very different to him “your not going to be able to touch me but you will be helpless to what I am about to do to you” she said in his ear

"Let go, Gidget," he gasped as her hand began to move along his length. "I will not submit. If I did not fall to torture, I will not fall to you, bella luna."

“You have never been tortured by me” she said in a seductive tone in his ear as she nibbled his ear lobe then made her way down his neck and shoulder. Her hands moved with perfection, building his pleasure, it was slow and torturous, he wanted to slam into her hard and rough, his body ached for it. She pitched the tip making him shudder

"You," he looked at her, clenching his teeth, "you think it will be so easy? I am an alpha, piccola. Submitting is not in my nature."

“Submissive comes in many forms...alpha or not you want to come by my want to bury yourself deep inside me while I scream you name” she said

"You are evil," he gasped aloud as he fought his body's reaction. "You will not win, piccola."

"You are not as confident as you usually are" she said licking his bottom lip

"Shut up," he said through clenched teeth and sweat covering his brow. "I will endure."

She started kissing and nipping his neck, her hand brought him close and then would slow down, denying him release

"Enough, Gidget," he groaned. "We have... work to do this night."

"Then beg me for release like you want to just say my name, Moan it and say please" she said into his throat

"Gidget," he said, his voice barely a whisper. "Please."

"Please what..." She asked as her fangs teased his skin "ask me, prove to me you trust me enough to submit yourself to me and only me"

He growled but said, "Please let cum. I need to be inside of you."

She knew the moment she let him go she would be in trouble so she brought forth the built up orgasm just as she turned his head and kissed him deeply, she took in his moan and gasp into her mouth, his whole body shook as she felt his hot see shoot out all over her leg

He slumped forward, breathing heavily. He couldn't look at her after that. He loathed himself. He had prided himself for being to hold out against some of the worse torture imaginable for hours, yet he could not hold out against her for ten minutes.

She slowly released him “there is nothing wrong with giving up control once in a while to someone worthy of it, and judging by the amount on my leg I would say that.....”

He grabbed her and pinned her to the bed. He growled and said, "My turn to torture you."

She broke his grip and was off of the bed with inhuman speed “you said we had work to do tonight...” she said backing away slowly

"Yet, you decided to do that to me," he said. "It's only fair I have my turn."

“I gave you the option and you made your choice, that was your punishment and as it stands you didn’t seem to mind when you were coming all over my leg and begging me” she said still backing away from him

"Don't bring that up," he said, stalking menecingly. "Some of the best could not break me. I submitted to no one."

“You said yourself mates are different “ she said keeping up with his pace and keeping out of arms reach “was it so bad?” She asked

He managed to corner her and said, "I know mates are different. If you trusted me in return, perhaps it would not be like this. But we have not reached the same level of trust. Right now, I do not have all of you, so I feel ashamed that I fell. For someone who has been alpha for as long as I have, such weakness..."

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