Posted: Aug 5, 2019, 2:57pm
Good morning and welcome to the Museum of Paradox and Profanity. Please deactivate your vision capture implants and sign the morality waver on the way in through the scanning portal.
Sir? Sir, yes you in the Hawaii shirt and Doc Martins, I am afraid your son will have to wait outside.... Your grandfather? Oh I see, I am sorry sir it is so difficult to tell these days with things the way they are. Well as long as you have the appropriate date stamp then.. ah yes good. Please all follow me. Come this way.
I am Professor Samuel Wilderforn the third, curator of this rather unusual collection of offensive objects. Each and every item within these walls has at some point been lost by hapless time tourists such as yourself, inflicting untold damage to the timeline and indeed natural development of the human race.
Yes sir, yes I am well aware of the differing opinions within temporal philosophy regarding the fixed progression of intended events verses the creation of divergent realities through the disruption of previously fixed points in reality. Quite frankly the arguments bore me and the title above the door of this museum gives a clear indication of where we stand on he subject. Now, moving on.
Here on the right you will see a sign for the disabled toilets stolen from a night club on forty second century mars. Unfortunately an interrupted student prank, where a fully functional bathroom was to be installed in the resting place of a popular Hindu leader resulted in the sign being left behind and when discovered, adopted as a symbol of good fortune for the early Vedic cultures of the near east.
Yes well spotted miss, it was then indeed adopted by Adolph Hitler as the symbol of Nazi Germany and has ever since been reviled as the dreaded Swastika. Thus when this fact was uncovered by the late historian Bellum Plock of Oracle City Mars the disabled community became outraged and overthrew the governing corporations, in what is now known as the Red Looh Uprising.
And here we come to out star exhibit. Please stay behind the roped barrier and do not attempt to activate the artefact.
Why yes mam it absolutely still works. The batteries are of a type not yet invented and are self recharging, self repairing and according to some specialists who have devoted their entire professional lives to the study of this dread relic, self aware. Ladies and gentleman, androids and none identifying organisms of an unclassified nature, I give you "Trevor."
Yes miss, it is indeed a vibrator. The owner of this technological wonder has in fact not yet been born. Miss Millicent Sphynx is due to make her appearance in Newport South Wales in seventy two years, two months and seven days. So controversial was her mistake that her grandparents are currently being held in suspended animation while the temporal courts debate on whether we should allow them to breed.
What? Yes? An excellent question. I am reliably informed that Trevor is named after a one night stand that Millicent will have with a life guard while on vacation at the age of twenty two.
Yes... well yes I suppose he must have made a lasting impression so to speak.
No. No we are not able to give those details out. We have already been forced to clone and replace Trevor within his timeline several times due to "unlicensed use" by thrill seeking travellers, resulting in unacceptable wear and tear.
Yes by all reports the accolade is well deserved. Now if we could move on.
Due to a rushed packing accident following a rather dull viewing of the formation of Minoan Culture in 3600BC, Trevor was left behind in a grass hut, and that as we say in the game was that. A careful eye was kept for temporal disturbances but it seemed that all was well and that Trevor was destined to become a harmless quirk in the detritus of temporal tourism.
Little did we know that Trevor had in fact been found and adopted as a major fertility deity of the Minoan people. Only later when studying the Sumerian Cuniform do we see the subtle references to its phalic form, previously dismissed as referencing the male member of an organic human. But no, it was Trevor.
The Cult of Trevor grew in power until in 3150 BC when we witness the rise of the first dynasty of Egypt. And here on the image to your right you are able to see what we first thought to be the sceptre of the first great pharaoh. Look closer... closer.. yes. It is Trevor. The Cult of Trevor was now out of control and was starting to turn temporal heads, but so deep down the rabbit hole were we that we could only look on with dread.
Now let us move to the raising of Stone Henge in great Britain. For years scientists have puzzled of the ability of these ancient primitives to shape stone with such precision and it was not until the Chelmsform cave paintings were uncovered in the late twenty second century that we see the tool that was used to chip away at those rocks. Here take a look at the screen... yes the lower right hand image of a man holding... Trevor.
Why yes it does get around doesnt it.
Yes, yes, it would most certainly chip your teeth if used on the wrong setting. Which brings me to the extinction of the Mammoth in 2500bc where the wounds found on fossilised mammoth skulls previously dismissed as club and spear penetrations now turn out to be a penetration of a different sort entirely. See exhibit A just behind us here. This Mammoth skull has a decidedly Trevor Shape hole in the base of his skull.
But Trevor was not always put to such nefarious purposes. Studies show that its natural allure was put to good use in 2000bc with the domestication of the horse for rural labour.
Following this we lose track of Trevor for a time until it at last reappeared in the fabled treasure vaults of King Solomon, the wisest of all kings, and... that is where out time runs out... Please, please forgive me. Come back after lunch to find out how Trevor caused the eventual sacking of Israel leading to 500 years captivity in Babylon and well what happened next beggars the belief of all.
Thank you... please take a look at our gift shop on the way out. Sir will you please not put your finger in the Mammoth hole. Thank you.