Hey guys, Tib here, somewhere in the middle of nowhere in a room, being help captive against my will by the wonderful and amazing King Alex *The Awesome. King Alex is a member of the Triumvirate of Doom and a self described “King of Everything.” So let’s inverstigate the king shall we?
1. So how did you become king?
*Crosses leg over knee, and peers over the top of sunglasses*
What are you? You look like some kind of underage Roy Orbison tribute act.
If I really must answer, peasant, I became king because it is the natural order of things. I am royal by birth, a prince on my homeworld. Then, when I uh, ‘moved to’ (conquered) Earth, I took up my rightful place as ruler, alongside the other two members of the most splendid and worthy Triumvirate – my bruthas from otha muthas – Grand Marshal Charlie Xanadu and King Eleven, the murderous warrior elf.
2. Where were you born?
Nosey, aren’t you? I don’t know why I agreed to this… I really don’t.
SALTI! Get me out of here!
*Holds hushed discussion* An entire roast Emu? Perhaps I can endure a few more questions…
The Peasant Known As Roy Orbison, I am willing to proceed with the interview. Settle down and listen up: A mere forty seven of your Earth years ago, a beautiful baby boy (me) was born on a luscious green and blue planet, not too far from here. Some people call it ‘Glamoria’. Being a peasant, you probably wouldn’t know it, though you might have heard of one of our moons: Tingpocket Five, home to the finest mechanical opera singer in the universe, Warbletron.
3. Why do you wear a cowboy hat and not a crown?
You preposterous plebeian! Who conducts the research for these interviews? In addition to my fine collection of cowboy hats I do wear a crown. I have several, in fact, and quite dashing I look in them too.
4. Do you have a thing for Salti?
Who? Oh, that drab frump. Get real. Salti Shaykur is simply my personal assistant, there’s no rumpy pumpy going on there. I mean… Look at her…
Wouldn’t be surprised if she had a thing for moi, though. Most people tend to.
5. What’s with the adorable dragon?
You must mean my li’l Tibbeh. N’aww he’s a good boy! Yes he is, yesss ‘e is!
Tiberius was delivered fairly recently. I returned home from an important meeting of the Triumvirate and was utterly delighted to find him waiting in a crate outside the Volcano Mansion.
Not sure who sent him, but he’s the most splendid gift I’ve received in at least… a week or two. Someone must have known I wanted a baby dragon – and what the King wants, the King gets.
By the way, this interview is getting du-uh-lluh. Can you ask me another question about ME now? Other people are so boring. Yawnorama City.
6. Are you actually this full of yourself?
Not sure I understand the question. I’m showing myself the appreciation I deserve. When you’re as wonderful as me, luv, it’s hard not to. One of my titles is actually The Awesome – apt, don’t you think? People, who want to live, tend to call me other great stuff too. Like: ‘His Royal Super Duper Gorgeousness With Sexy Shiny Hair And Perfectly Manicured Fingernails’. Salti, make a note to have this doink executed for insulting the king.
[NB. King Alex has recently found out he is known as ‘King Airhead’ in certain circles, but it appears he prefers not to mention this.]
7. Do you like being king?
Between you and me, Roy, it can be a pain in the royal rear when peasants ask you to do horrendously unreasonable things… Like give them food so they don’t die. Lame.
Conquering stuff, fighting the resistance, and being the sexiest person on your planet can also be quite exhausting. Especially when all I’m in the mood for is sitting in my La-Z-Boy throne, sipping a Piña Colada, and watching my handpicked volleyball-playing lady mud wrestlers do their thing.
HOWEVER, I’m a fair, attractive, and reasonable man, and despite having to endure all that difficult stuff, yeah I love being King.
I’m a Natural Born Ruler, baby.
8. Now that we’ve reached the end of the interview can you release me so I can see my loved ones again?
Uh, what? Release you? I assumed that once you’d uploaded your little interview… thing, you were mine to have cooked, along with the emu.
I’ve even had a special novelty bib prepared while you were making notes. See? It says: “Roy Orbison: Delicious With Dumplings.”
Well there you go folks, the amazing and wonderful King Alex in the flesh. You can find him on the game Triumvirate of Doom along with other characters. Be sure to tweet #Kingliness and follow me on twitter @TiberiusStudios. Now if you excuse me, I must say goodbye to my loved ones. Keep Calm and Keep Ongoing! TIB OUT!