Niples+Efof "Ffion Bargain Hunt"

<snip>
"What in gods name is that on your head?…oh..OH!!! Dear oh dear!"Efof grinned. "Ffion. 1002 years ago....... I'm home!"</snip>
 
Seymour looked around him. The time fracture was taking up most of the room, but he could see that the picturesque sunset of Ffion’s two suns stopped by his linen closet. It looked like they could escape the time fracture any time they wanted.
“This is terrific!” Seymour suggested. “The cultural implications are brilliant, here we are on a destroyed world. Cultural anthropologists could have a field day… this is the chance to learn so much about such a unique culture…. And people will actually believe me when I tell them there ARE alien worlds…”
 
Seymour thought a second. “We need to take back proof” Then he licked his lips. “We could take items back, items of cultural importance…and make a profit!”
Visions of bargain hunt flash in Seymour eyes.
 
“Any pine cabinet chests laying around? Religious artifacts? Antique tea sets or Opera Glasses?”
The girl that had originally been trying to seduce Seymour was looking confused.
Seymour started throwing items towards the lined cupboard, back into the present.
”Excuse me, is that bracelet ceremonial, religious or decorative?…and how expensive was it when bought…do you feel it has much resale value?”
“Get off!” said the girl, covering up and running away.
 
Meanwhile Efof was prancing around, “I’m home! I’m home! Quick do I have time to ring my friends I wonder how my Mum is doing I hope she was proud of me she told me she was when I went into stasis she said I would be a big leader sometime…. I wonder if my girlfriends are available?”
“Efof stop wasting time and help me get this ornate wooden table through the temporal rift… hang on, you have girlfriendS!”
 
“Yes of course! On Ffion we believe that you can love honor and respect more than one partner… but you have the same thing in human society? I’ve seen girls kissing lots of men in one night in the Nightclub on the Promenade, I once saw Rio Lomaz…”
“No Efof, girls like that are called slappers. Sla-ppers. Remember that and stay away. They’ve probably got Space-Clamidia.”
 
“Erm…Ambassador Niples sir….” Started Efof nervously.
“Quiet Efof and give me a hand with this table”
“I think if I remember correctly that table belongs to an erotic masseur who lived in my village and went out with a big bodybuilder…”
“Very Interesting Efof, but the British museum of Archeology and Anthropology will love to see this…”
“Well her boyfriend is behind you…”
Seymour spun around and came face to face with the man who didn’t look too happy. His four arms were build up with huge muscles, and had what seemed to be a 12-pack of muscles on his bare chest. He wore a tight pair of briefs on his head showing that he wasn’t very well endowed, maybe this is why he was a bodybuilder, to make up for it in other ways but this was no consolence as there was no doubt he could give the Englishman a thorough walloping.
 
“Erm…greetings…” Said Seymour holding out a hand to shake. “Seymour Niples, Ambassador to the British Queen….I was wondering if I could talk to you about an exchange of cultural artifacts as your race is soon to be destroyed, leaving nothing of value…”
The hulk of the man scowled and stepped back, allowing two Ffionian police officers to step forward and cuff Seymour and Efof.
“Hey! Hey, no! I’m a Royal Ambassador- you can’t arrest me. I’m a very important person…”
They began to be dragged by the alien police.
“Don’t tell me Efof….” Wept Seymour. “I bet the reason why your planet is such a paradise is that you only have one punishment for crimes…death.”
 
“No actually, it’s a light massage and tender lovemaking” Admitted Efof.
Seymour was stunned.
“Really?”
“Of course! I thought humans have the same punishment? That’s why there is so much mugging and theft on the promenade.”
“no…. That’s because theres so many low paid jobs on the Blue Dwarf people have to resort to petty thievery… stay away from those types of people too, they’re usually the ones to GIVE the clamidia.”
 
Suddenly there was an explosion nearby, something had fallen from the sky. And another, glowing red orbs were falling from the starlit sky.
“What are these?!” the Ffionian guards ran off scared. Another orb dug into the ground nearby and started to crack.
Efof hugged Seymour in fear. Seymour pushed him back and straightened his tie.
 
“I’m guessing these are Hymenoptera eggs, like the ones we saw launched onto the planet of Citadellia.”
“So this is…”
“Yes Efof, this is the exact moment your planet was invaded! Of all the times we could have traveled back to…”
“I’m scared…” Efof whimpered.
A giant beetle crawled out of one of the eggs and started spraying acid all over some huts.
 
“I think its time we better get out of here.” Seymour dragged Efof to the temporal rift back to the present.
Efof reached back, crying at seeing his home being destroyed. His world crumbling. He missed it first time around because he was in stasis but never thought it was this brutal.
 
 
***back in the present***
They stepped out of the rift back into Seymours huge well decorated ambassadorial quarters.
Various items were laying on the floor that Seymour had throw out. He rubbed his hands together greedily.
“Okay so which items are good enough to sell? Anything culturally important at all?”
He started picking up random stuff.
“What’s this? A hat or some kind? A shower cap perhaps?”
“no, it’s a contraceptive.” Efof dismissed.
“Eeeeewwwww…actually, one wonders what the British Museum may say about this….”
 
<okay does anyone want to meet Seymour and Efof, I’ve kinda run out of ideas now!>
 
-Onion