When Ed met Jed

Who: Captain Jed & Father Eddie
Where: Shuttle Crash Zone
When: After Jed and Eddie fought
Jed was not happy. Not only had he lost his cargo of illicit
materials, not only was he on a planet which was currently in the
middle of a zombie invasion, he was stuck in the company of someone,
the last time they had met, he'd threatened that if he ever set eyes
on each other again he would kill him.
"Drink?" asked Eddie, reaching into his shabby jacket pocket and
taking out a scratched and dented hipflask and unscrewed the rusted
"What's in it? Poison?" Jed snapped, keeping his gaze upon the
blazing inferno that had until recently been Virgin Galactic Flight
"Nah, Brandy" said Eddie, taking a swig and passing it to Jed.
"Good" said Jed, raising the flask to his lips
"Oh, and Meths, Pernod, Paint Stripper, Mr.Sheen, Break Fluid….and
Drambuie" smiled Eddie.
Jed stopped the flask mere inches from his lips and gave it a quick
sniff. It reminded him strongly of the biological weapons used back
in the Tie Wars of late 21st Century (A war fought between the
Management `Ties' and the Workers of world. After the use of
the `Smart-but-Casual' bombs, which dropped handmade suits and
paisley cravats on the workers, the `Ties' had victory in their
grasp before the Workers realised THEY were making the SBC Bombs, so
they stopped.)
"Ahh…I'll think I'll pass if you don't mind" mumbled Jed, passing
back it back to Eddie, who took another long swig before
theatrically wiping his mouth and pocketing the hipflask.
"Right, let's get down to business shall we?" said Eddie, merrily
picking up his shotgun and beginning his descent down the crater,
Jed following behind.
--Ten Minutes Later---
With Jed following behind, his revolvers drawn and scanning the
area. The wreckage stretched around them for a mile, the odd body
part and flame giving it a sort of poetic beauty. Eddie and Jed
didn't notice, they were too busy looking for the lead box holding
Eddie's cargo.
"Oh yes! Thank God I found you!" cried Eddie, running off into the
fuselage. Jed, spooked by his companions outburst, spun around and
unleashed a hail of laser bullets into a piece of twisted metal
propped up against a large part of engine.
"You found it pardner? You found mah loot?"
"Even better - I've found the drinks trolley!" cried Eddie, followed
by the popping of a cork and a guzzling sound. If it wasn't for
Jed's need to reload, he would have popped Eddie there and then.
After a few moments of silence, Eddie emerged from the fuselage,
carrying several bottles of champagne and a six pack of Carling.
"This should keep me happy until about dinnertime mate" smiled the
sizzled priest.
"You slime bellied coyote!, where's mah merchandise? If you don't
get it now, so help me God, I'll blow your brains clear out of your
skull!!!" screamed Jed, levelling a pistol at Eddie's forehead.
"this way" smiled Eddie, clearly not realising the danger Jed posed.
He moved skilfully through the wreckage and came to what remained of
the cargo area.
"Here it is me old mate. Your merchandise" said Eddie, bowing in
faux respect at a medium sized trunk with various burns and dents.
"It'll have to do I suppose" mumbled Jed, throwing a wad big enough
to scare even Big Foot himself at Eddie's feet.
"Not quite as simple as that, y'see - word came in from Bishop
Fitzpatrick at the Abbey of Redwall, the JMC and the Church have
struck a deal. Missionaries and Priests are to be posted aboard
cargo and mining vessels - to, y'know, spread the good word to new
species and outer colonies." smiled Eddie, picking up the money.
"and that means whut at me?" growled Jed, impatient to get back to
the Starbug he had parked on the mountainside.
Eddie picked up a battered tartan suitcase and leather holdall
amongst the wreckage, identified as his own, and put an arm around
"I've been assigned to the Blue Dwarf!"
What Jed said next was unrecorded, but several shots were heard to
have been fired.
<Tag Onion>

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