You and what army?

OOC:It seems like my last post never reached the group So i've included it here as well.
 
Location : Sports Bar. London, Earth
Time : Quarter past 12.(thats 12:15 people)
 
Phil was back on Earth for the first time in,oooooh, many years. He was feeling a bit depressed since he found out that Tara had been seen having dinner with White Wolf. He had been told by Saddam before he left the station that she was related to some guy who sounded like a lavatory cleaner(Rimmer), but that didn't bother him. So he decided to go to the sports bar, as it was one of the few places that Phil could get drunk in(Last time he was Earth the place was closed to have the mods put in)
 
A very strange noise erupted from behind him .Phil turned around to see what can only be called a human-gelf crossbread(it wasn't but that's what he looked like - He was pig ugly.
 
"Youse in my chair deadiie."
 
"Pardon?"
 
"I said youse is in my seat you ghost."
 
"No you cretin it's  "You are in my chair." not "Youse in my chair" you twit!"
 
Oh no. here we go again.
 
With that Phil picked up the thing that was nearest to hand and swung it at the sub-human thing, just as someelse walked in the door.

PART 2
 
Location : Sports Bar, London , Earth
Time : About 5 mins before Phil's about to get his hologramtic head kicked in.....
 
"Why you pointing that giant banna at me for?" asked a very concerned customer
 
"What this, " sreamed Phil.
 
"Yes?"
 
"Ermm...........<<think Phil, think fast - oh bugger the troll is holding a holo whip.think boy>> ...............oooooooooohh, look at that over there," he said poiting at  something on the wall, to which all in the bar looked.
 
And with that he legged it out the bar, hotly pursed by the troll-like humans and various other people who just wanted a laugh(but had yet to relaise that Phil was a hologram)
 
Cue the Benny Hill style music...
 
<<If any one wants to join in(esp any of the new guys or anyone not allready on shore leave), they are more then welcome>>