Justin - A novel use for urinal cakes
"Efof you smeghead, that's the ingredients for custard! That's easy!" Jay
gathered the away team together. "There's a vending machine down the corridor.
The custard supply will still be sealed from radiation, bring some back here
ASAP!" he ordered.
As the team exited, Holly shouted at them. "Dudes wait, the Cadmium radiation is
REALLY strong that way. Your suits might melt!"
Who: Justin, Jay, Amber and Rosette
Where: Red Dwarf
When: After the quest for custard was announced
They all went, leaving Efof laying on the floor in the small safe room he was
in. The quest was simple, find some custard and bring it to the injured
"It seems a bit improbable..." Justin scoffed as they walked "That the one thing
to help heal Efof is ...custard. How is that supposed to help grow back another
The Captain chuckled. "Nothing about Efof is ever straight forward." He said.
"Did you hear about the time his penis fell off and we had to find it and
It was Justin's radiation suit that made a noise first, then quickly followed by
"Smeg! The radiation is too strong in this section." Said Justin. "If we go any
further we'll bake like a pork chop in a microwave."
Jay pointed ahead. "We only have to go another 20 meters, the vending machine is
just there. I can see it."
"But that corridor's deadly!" Justin said. "I'm not going through there! I've
drank, smoked and partyed enough to kill my body already, I don't need a fatal
dose of cadmium II to add to my body's problems. I can feel the heat of the
As they were looking ahead, a lone Dolaroo came into view and instantly started
shooting at them. They all started firing back and then hid behind pillars in
"How come the Dolaroos aren't affected by the radiation?" Jay asked.
Justin shrugged. "Better radiation suits maybe?"
The Dolaroo ran up close and tried to decapitate Justin with a sharp dagger.
Justin grabbed a fire extinguisher from the wall, tried to read the instructions
but realised they were all in Esperanto and he couldn't understand it, so he
used it to bludgeon the creature to death.
He stood over the part dolphin, part kangaroo and studied its radiation suit. He
considered wearing it, but then realised it was a really odd shape. "I don't
think it'll suit me." Justin said.
Rosette peered over. "I've heard you wear weirder stuff when you go out on a
saturday night." She quipped.
"Hey, that was for fancy dress!" Justin said. "I'm not actually that way
Justin noticed a device attached to the Dolaroo's belt, and picked it off the
body. "This might come in handy though." He said, turning it over in his hand.
"What does it do?" Asked Amber.
"Similar to a Geiger counter I suppose." Said Justin. "It shows areas that are
badly radiated, and ones that aren't so bad."
"Looks like we have company" Said Rosette, pointing to some Dolaroos just
turning the corner in the distance. "Quick, pull that body into here." She said
and pointed to a door.
"The gents toilets?" Justin asked.
"I don't think you're allowed in there." Justin said. "You're a girl."
"I don't think we'll exactly catch anyone peeing." Rosette snapped. "Everyone's
dead you moron."
They pulled the dead Dolaroo into the toilets and waited for the others to walk
"It's all clear." Said Rosette, who was peering out of the door.
"Wait!" Said Justin, and pointed to the urinals.
"Oh smeg off!" Said Rosette. "Don't tell me you're going to go to the toilet
now?" She quickly turned away.
"No way!" Said Justin. "How could I have a piss now without getting serious
radiation burns on my todger?!" He pointed closer to the urinal, more
specifically to the small blue toilet freshener. "I think I've solved our
"A urinal cake?" Said Jay.
Justin nodded. "Yes. A urinal cake."
"A what?" Said Rosette and Amber.
Justin put his hand into the urinal and picked it up. Everyone else cringed.
"A urinal cake, this little blue thing." He said, and passed it in front of the
Dolaroos Geiger counter he picked up a few moments ago. "Who'd have thought
it... but this little bastard is absorbing 1000 rads per second."
"Not following." Said Rosette, folding her arms and tapping her feet.
Justin waved around the room. "Everywhere else on this ship is extremely
radioactive, but this room isn't. It's because of these blue things, they're
absorbing all the radiation."
"So what are you suggesting?" Said Jay.
"One of us carries loads of these, and they'll be able to go down the corridor
and get the custard- sorry I mean magical Ffionian miracle cure."
Everyone cringed, and there was a round of "Bagsy not me" from everyone apart
from Justin. He sighed. "Okay well it was my idea I suppose." He said. "Okay,
collect as many urinal cakes as you can and I'll put them in my pockets."
Amber, Jay and Rosette reluctantly put their hands into urinals and fished out
the blue objects, most of which were shaped like inedible weetabix. The urinal
furthest from the door was blocked with fag ends and was filled up with bright
yellow urine. Everyone refused to touch it, so left Justin to put his hand in
and pull out the final piece.
Loaded up with urinal cakes in his pocket, he walked up the irradiated corridor,
turning back to do a thumbs up to Jay who was watching him.
He could feel the warmth of the radiation, but the blue blocks were doing a good
job of soaking the radiation away. He reached the vending machine and pulled off
the fascia, revealing tanks of different liquids inside. He ignored the chicken
soup, diet pepsi and hot chocolate, and pulled out the custard tank. He carried
it back to the team, where Amber volunteered to take it back to Efof.
Just as she left, the team came under fire from more Dolaroos.
This time Justin wasn't quick enough to slam the fire extinguisher over the
creatures head, and two of them grabbed him by the arms.
"Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh, come with us mate-eh-eh-eh!" They said in a bizarre dolphin
accent, that had a hint of Australian."
Justin struggled, and looked back to see that Rosette and Jay had also been
"Where are we going?" Justin shouted.
"Eh-eh-eh-eh The boss wants to talk to you-eh-eh-eh-eh!"
"Finally!" Said Justin. "Lets get to the bottom of why you guys are here!"
<OOC - Tag why ARE they here? Does someone want to explain their plan?>