A hamster, a gun, and ... A beef jerky?!?
Who: White Wolf, and AlotaWhen: While I'm enduring the humiliation of fleeing my own Chain saw wielding First officer...Where: A hallway which seems to be a lot shorter than I remember it previously!
The huge hamster dashed down the hallway on all fours, when he suddenly thought, "Why the smeg am I running away from my own XO? I'm supposed to be a starship Captain..."
White Wolf halted, snapping his paw up in front of him and calling out to Alota, "I'm the Captain on board this ship, Alota, and I order you to stop this right now!!!"
"What makes you think I should stop?" Calls back Alota, running closer.
"JMC directive 984729876745.2134 states that it is against regulations to attack a higher ranking officer for a death of a friend, significant other, spouse or other loved one, including pet cat's & dog's. And the only exceptions to the directive are if your avenging your own death, and that of rear Admiral Browshay's pet sea monkey's..."
"May I remind you - that a XO & a chainsaw with a full tank of fuel outranks an empty pawed hamster Captain any day!" Replies Alota while revving the chainsaw and taking a swipe at the six foot, one inch tall hamster, who ducks the chainsaw and hot foots it further down the hallway. Unfortunately, the hallway came to a Cul de sac.
"Wha? This hallway used to connect with Cargo bay 21..." said the huge hamster stared at the good humor truck which some scutter had used to repair an earlier pinhole breach in the Blue Dwarfs hull and unfortunately for him, blocked the entrance to the Cargo bay.
Alota ran up behind, and paused to laugh maniacally for effect while she revved up the chainsaw one more time, and stepped ominously closer.
<Snick>
Suddenly White Wolf found himself standing in Larry Trisees's lab come living quarters in Supply field B, in front of the snarling and slobbering Hymenoptera Queen who seemed ready to rip him limb from limb.
"It figures... I find her now and merely go from the frying pan into the fire!" Muttered the towering hamster, dodging left as the Queen slashed the air where he was standing with her razor sharp claws.
<Snick>
And he was back in the Cul de sac. Alota, noticing that he had changed position, swung her Chainsaw wide and glanced off the metal wall, creating a shower of sparks. White Wolf spun right, and threw his best rabbit punch towards Alota's jaw.
<Snick>
And he was back to right of the queen, which unfortunately for him, caused his rabbit punch to crash through the glass of one of Trisees's personality duplicator's come gene therapy booths.
"OW... For Smeg's Sake - Can't I get a break?" Remarks the hamster out loud while nursing his sore paw, "Besides that glass & my paw?"
<Snick, Snick, Snick, Sniggitty, SNNNNNNIIIIIIIIICCCCCKKKK>
As White Wolf was rapidly flip flopping back forth between the two points, finally winding up standing before a satin cloth covered pedestals next to one of the Archivers.
The Elderly Archiver quickly spoke to him, "I was hoping you'd arrive soon, Oh Great Furball! I don't have enough time to explain everything to you, but I knew something must have gone terribly wrong with the currents of time when the book of the Chry'ler prophecies morph into the Dean Chronicles. Phil, the god of war, foresaw such an event might come to pass, and instructed me to give you this and that you would know what to do with it..."
The Elderly Archiver removed the satin cloth from the pedestal.
"He wanted me to have a Peashooter?!?" Exclaimed White Wolf in disbelief.
"Opps, I must have the wrong pedestal! This is just the peashooter that started the infamous 10 year conflict back on earth in your future. Um, the gift Phil intended for you must be on this one..." Explained the elderly archiver, turning to another pedestal and pulling off the satin cloth to reveal a huge gun.
"A gravity balanced & kickback compensated man carry modified Browning M2 .50 Caliber heavy machine gun manufactured with the latest in lightweight durable polycarbonates, along with a handy shoulder carrying strap and ammo sack! Oy, do I know what to do with this..." Remarks the Amplitudness hamster grabbing up the weapon greedily, "Now can you get me back to the point in time where Jay get's killed?"
"Certainly... Just take a bite out of this specially created time jumping beef jerky that We made to help put you at each of the critical moments that need correcting." Said the Elderly Archiver holding out what looked suspiciously like a slim jim dipped in BBQ sauce.
"Ok, that does it - Now I know for sure those Great Furball cracks of yours are probably insults. Did it ever occur to you morons that I'm currently a herbivore?!? Couldn't you have at least had the decency to create a time jumping lettuce, carrot, or salad instead?!?" Snapped White Wolf.
"Well um, our master designer wanted to ensure you wouldn't accidentally eat it all prematurely, if you were hungry or something like that..." Apologized the Archiver.
"Yeah right, Like I'm in the habit of going around eating salads that I just happen to find where ever I go..." Remarked White Wolf, as he grabbing the 'Slim Jim' from him, and took a bite out of it.
<Snick>
"BLAH, This stuff tastes horrible!" Said the huge hamster as he was suddenly standing behind the chain saw wielding Alota, who quickly turned around to face him.
The Large hamster stuffed the 'Slim Jim' into his upper vest pocket and while smirking at Alota said, "Oh, By the way, Alota... Did I ever mention that a furry captain and a .50 Caliber browning with full ammo clip, outranks a soon to be EX-XO?" He waved the gun barrel under her nose for a more menacing effect.
Alota spun back around and quickly used her chainsaw to cut her way through the good humor truck and into the cargo bay beyond and fled.
"That went better than I'd hoped. I guess I can move on to the next bite." Remarked the overgrown hamster pausing as he noticed he was right next to the door of Ensign Canaza's quarters, "But first, I have a minor pissing match to settle with a certain junior officer..."
White Wolf stepped through the door and into Ensign Canazza's quarters just as Canazza was exiting his toilet, while he was buttoning up his trousers.
The huge hamster glowered at him, and screamed maniacally, "Sweet Revenge shall be mine!", while firing the heavy machine gun right on by him and at the toilet bowl, shattering it in to thousands of tiny porcelain shards.
Canazza's hands went numb causing his unbuttoned trousers to fall to floor as he froze in place, utterly petrified, and soiling his shorts as he made the shocked realization that all of the bullets had completely missed him.
White Wolf pointed the gun barrel towards the ceiling and stating to Canazza, "Let that be lesson ensign, Don't ever do that again! Unless you want to be on Canary target practice detail..." as he took out the temporal 'Slim Jim' and prepared to take another bite out of it, he paused and finished, "Oh and, you better have a clean pair of shorts the next time I see you!", and then he chomped the meat snack quickly.
<Snick>
He found himself in front of the snarling bug queen, single handedly he snapped up the Browning and fired at point blank range as she swung at him. The bullets merely bounced off.
"Smeg! She's Armored, I'm going to have to go and get Armor Piercing ammo & come back." Said the hamster starting to take another bite from the 'Slim Jim' as the Hymenoptera Queen knocked him against the wall, causing him to drop it. The hamster frantically reached down and picked it up and rapidly taking a bite as the Queen grabs him.
<Snick>
"I shall unfrock you all with my amazing De-buttonier gun!" screamed a crazed Cerebrum at a crowd of rampaging Blue Dwarf crewmembers as he fired his cheap sci fi looking gun, and everybody's trousers suddenly dropped to the floor as the buttons holding them up were dematerialized.
"Thank god I have fur and have no need for trousers..." Says White Wolf hanging from the Hymenoptera Queens clutches as everyone suddenly gets red faced and quick runs to hide their exposure behind the huge form of the queen, momentarily occupying her as she batted them away.
"Put 'em Up in the name of King Cain!" Ordered Cerebrum brandishing his gun at the hamster and queen.
"Cerebrum! What in Smeg's name are you doing? Have you run out of your medication or something?" Asked the hamster.
Cerebrum paused, and pulled out several bottles glancing them, "Nope, I've got plenty... See?", waving them in front of the hamster.
The hamster saw the prescription date of Dec 24, 2102 and gasped, "What's today's date?"
"Um, Jan. 1st, 2103. Why? Are these expired already?" Asked Cerebrum, taking another look at them.
"Nope, just mean's I've got to take another bite." Replies the hamster.
<Chomp, Snick>
"And the Roswell Sci Fi Conventions Costume contest award goes to - six foot one inch Hamster, and the Alien Queen." Said an announcer.
"What's wrong with this thing?" remarked the huge hamster looking at the temporal meat snack, "Oh, I see what's wrong now, I've took two bites from the wrong end..."
The hamster reverses it, and bites again.
<Chomp... Snick>
Cerebrum and Cain were just closing up the starbug when the huge hamster taps Cain on the shoulder, "Hi there, Grouchie! Did ya forget that I'd agreed on delivering a live bug to ya? And you better take good care of that egg your holding... Cain, meet Mommy. Mommy, meet Cain."
Then the huge hamster quickly chomped on the meat snack, and disappeared.
<Snick>It seemed to move in slow motion, Jays' brother raising his shotgun, Jay, leapt at his sister, throwing her aside, gun shots were heard, and Vanessa hit the floor.
"I finally gotcha!" Said White Wolf standing behind Jays' brother holding a smoking machine, as Kingsley stared at the huge holes in his chest, and wordlessly mouthed the words, 'How did he get behind me?' before crumpling to the ground.
"Wha? How?!? Where?" Said a gobsmacked Jay.
White Wolf quickly ran over and grabbed Jay by the arm and explaining, "Sorry Jay, But We've got to go before we do any more damage to the time stream.", before taking another bite from the temporal beef jerky.
<Snick>
White Wolf & Jay appeared next to Phil on the Command deck.
"Phil your going to have to finish this last bit, as I can't stand to eat another CNO flavored bite of this stupid jerky that the Archivers made for correcting the fouled up time stream!" Said the huge hamster thrusting the Temporal jumping 'Slim Jim' in his face.
<TAG!>