The tale of 1 swiss cheese brained Hamster, an ASSHOLE**, & pilot w
Who: Dean, Cerebrum & White Wolf.
Where: Hmm, looks like thier on vacation in Disney's new 'Bugworld'.
When: Right after Cerebrum told Dean & the Captain he was a
"Due to my previous actions with the hymnoptera, I've got several
citations giving me a fairly high rank. I'm proud to say that I'm the
biggest asshole within twenty parsecs. Anyway, as I was saying, my
orders from ASS stated that there was a risk of bio weapon deployal,
so they provided me with a vaccine. Unfortunately, I've only got
enough for one person, so catch."
He took a syringe out of his pocket, and tossed it behind him. As WW
and Dean tried to grab it, Cerebrum removed another syringe and
injected himself with the contents. "Hey, this syringe is empty,"
came the shout from behind him.
Dean tossed the useless syringe aside while pouncing upon the
psychiatrist and tried wrestling the other syringe from him. The
hamster leap on the tussling pair, and quickly pryed them apart while
grabbing away the now empty syringe before examining the label, "Do
you two realise you're fighting for a shot of truth serum while we're
being chased by bunch of murdering bugs?!?"
The enormous hamster quickly threw the second useless syringe away as
he back pedaled and fired his gun behind them while one of the
hymenoptera soldier bugs nearly caught up with them. The vicious bug
fell dead just shy of Cerebrum & Dean on the ground, with it's
pinsers fully extended and a mere foot from them.
The great hamster momentarily shook his head and
muttered, "Strange... I've suddenly got the urge to hold up a 7-11
store for all it's Banana taffy."
"Let me see that!", Yelled Cerebrum getting up, "The hymenoptera bio
weapon has obiviously already affected you into now wanting to commit
wanton illegal acts."
Then Cerebrum glanced at the label the gigantic proffered toward him
and he suddenly frowned in dismay, as he grabbed out his ASS* pouch
to examine it and mutter under his breath, "I must have grabbed the
wrong mission pouch before I left, this one only contains the special
"So does that mean Cerebrums can say only the truth?" asked Dean
smirking as he quickly got up and away from the fallen soldier bug.
The vast hamster started to nod, when he was interrupted.
"Oh no it doesn't! It's a specially modified vaccine... Err, I
mean... Aw Smeg, It's already taken effect!" replied Cerebrum as an
anguished look passed over his face, and legged it down the tunnel,
hoping to get away as he suddenly forcibly replied, "Yes - I have to
tell the truth."
"That's how the serum works - you get to ask him anything, and he has
to tell you the truth." Remarked the immense hamster darting up the
tunnel after Cerebrum.
"Oh, this is going to be so fun!" Said Dean rubbing his hands, then
looking down at his lack of pants and following, "Ah... would either
of you happen to have a pen & notepad I could borrow to write down
his account numbers?"
"NO!" replied Cerebrum yelling from up the tunnel.
"Nope Sorry - All I've got is a sharpie permanent marker." replied
"I'll take it! I can write his numbers down on my hand." said Dean
Cerebrum emerged first from the tunnel into another large open area
on the surface and made for what looked like an alien shipyard filled
with dozens of troopships. Dean followed a few yards after him,
preceeding White Wolf who was busily firing his gun indiscrimanately
behind them, killing several hymenoptra soldiers and mortally
wounding a ground slug who obiviously chose the wrong moment to try
and cross the tunnel.
"Hey, these look like spaceships. Do you think you can think you can
fly one of 'em, Dean?" Questioned the colossal hamster, as he paused
to reload his gun.
"If it moves through the air, I can fly it!" Lied Dean.
"Good! Let's get in that nearest one, and try an get out of here
before my ammo plays out. Because when that happens I don't think I
can resist this insane urge to commit some petty larceny any
longer..." shouted the mammoth hamster looking as though he were
under some kind of mental strain while chucking a couple of omni
grenades over his shoulder in order to try and collapse the tunnel
enterance and cut off their pursurers.
"Do you realise with his landing skills, I *could* fly one of these
things and get the same results?" said Cerebrum truthfully while
opening a hatch on the alien ship.
"HEY!" shouted an indignant Dean catching up and grabbing Cerebrums
lapel attempting to raise his fist menancingly, but not very
convincingly, "You take that back!"
"Are you kidding?" Remarked Cerebrum quickly shrugging out his
trenchcoat and climbing up into the ship, "You can keep the jacket, I
don't need it anymore..."
"What are you waiting for?" Said the whopping hamster speedily moving
on by Deab and up the ladder, "A tip for checking his coat?"
Dean put on the trenchcoat as he replied and followed, "I ain't
arriving back on Dwarf half naked with a madman and overgrown
hamster - People might think I was off doing something wrong!"
"It was too late for that when they assigned you to the Blue Dwarf!"
remarked Cerebrum dashing forward into what looked like the cockpit.
White Wolf slammed the hatch shut as Dean went past him, then
asked, "Hey, cool I've found a honey ham & garlic cheese toastie."
Dean suddenly stopped and glanced downward as he pulled out the
waistband to his box briefs, and quickly demanded, "How did you get
that out of my secret toastie stash, mister lightfingers?"
"Eww... You can have it back!" Said the Hamster disgustedly while
handing the toastie to him.
"You keep a stash of toasties in your boxers?!?" Asked Cerebrum
"Err..." Said Dean blankly as he entered the cockpit, "You think the
Captain's losing it?"
"Your worried about a oversized hamster with sticky fingers?" replies
Cerebrum, "You're crazier than I originally thought..."
"You know, I liked you better as a liar... Ah, here's what starts the
engine." remarked Dean as he reachs forward and pulled back a device
that looked oddly like a 2 liter bottle of pepsi causing the ship
leap into the sky, "Now where is this things flight controls?"
"Don't ask me your the pilot!" Said Cerebrum at nearly the same
moment as the huge hamster quickly spouted from behind them, "It'll
take a few minutes to get the coordinates from the navi-computer!"
Both Dean & Cerebrum turned to look at him oddly, and he
replied, "Well - I just always wanted to say that like in the movies.
Hey, did you know that there's a Comcast tech who transmits
transexual chicken soup recipes from his arse for soupy sales while
beating his dingleberries to the tune of merry christmas?"
"Alright, make that an *undeniably insane* oversized hamster with
sticky fingers." Said Cerebrum, "At least, he only holds the rank of
"I think these are the controls..." said Dean as he touched his hand
over a alien grip and a sudden shower of water sprayed the three of
them from above.
"Gee, perhaps we should have rolled up the windows before we entered
the car wash." said White Wolf, as hot jet of air turned on from
below to dry them out, "This is blow dry is gonna leave my fur
awfully frizzy, don't you think?"
* - Agency of Secret Security, Cerebrums special intelligence unit in
which he is **"A Secret
Security Holistic Operative Liasion Expert" Or ASSHOLE for short...