Dramatic consequences of underwear

<snip>
the radio crackled, "Starbug 423, this is the JMC vessel Starbug 12, stand down your defences and prepare to be boarded, you are all under arrest under Article 14 of the Space Corps Pirating Law, paragraph 12, subsection 2 'No one may use a JMC vessel while dressed in pirate clothing, or under a nickname ending in Beard' - you have 10 minutes before boarding begins"
"This is Junior-officer Dave Canazza of the Mining vessel Blue Dwarf, I have since dealt with the pirate in control of this vessel and he is now in the medi-bay being patched up"
The cabin-boy rushed over to the controls, "Yes!" he said, "Captain Half-beard saved us from Gingerbeard"
"Half-beard?!" screeched the man on the other end, "That's it, stop your engines immediately, you are being boarded"
Canazza turned to the cabin-boy and could only say one thing to say:  "Thanks"
</snip>
Canazza sat in the mid-section of the Starbug that captured him. He was in handcuffs and had two hefty men sitting next to him
"Just my luck to be picked up by the Starbug containing most of the Security department" Canazza thought to himself, The sweaty stench of the two men almost overwhelmed him.
The other crew, the waiters from Parrots, were sitting opposite him, they weren't restrained, and were, infact, sipping cocktails.
"How come they get drinks and all I get is sweat?" He asked no-one in particular
"Because" one of the guards said, "they are defenceless, from what we hear you rammed a sword into some guy's leg"
"In self defence"
"And, you also took command of a crew under an assumed name with the word 'beard' in it"
"Who makes up these rules?"
"Don't know, don't care, I just follow them"
There was a sudden scream from the cockpit, the two guards rushed in to find the pilot had fainted and there was something sliding down the front window, whatever it was seemed to be leaving some kind of slimy trail
"SPACE BUUGG!!" Shouted one of the guards, "ITS TRYING TO GET IN!!"
Canazza had stood up and walked over to the doorway, still in handcuffs,
"That's no space bug" He chipped in, "That's a pair of midget underpants"
All of a sudden Canazza was aware of a smell, not the Guards, but a different smell, one he only smelt once before...
"Oh dammit" Canazza cursed, "Those are Mini-Phils underpants" he rushed over to the control panel in the mid-section and pressed the Bio-Hazard warning button with his nose.
"Hey, what are you doing?" Shouted the guard, lumbering out of the cockpit
"Those pants are so corrosive that they took out half of the launderette when someone tried to wash them"
"How do you know this?"
"I was there, MP and a team of Clean-up guys brought them in one day when I was doing my laundry, they opened the bag and the roof caved in, when they finally managed to get them in the machine, it destroyed it. They finally got them washed, not after destroying 12 machines, 2 benches and knocking 16 people out, some of which were just walking outside."
"Oh... how come they've not burned through here yet?"
"Must be a cleaner pair... we have only one hope" Canazza attempted to enter the cockpit, but the men stooped him, "I have to slow the ship down, our only hope is to send those pants flying,"
"How do I know you won't try and detach the cockpit?"
"You can do that?"
"I don't know, but I saw 'em do it on Star Trek once"
There was loud crack, followed by a fresh burst of stench,
Canazza tried to enter again, the men stopped him
"C'mon," Canazza tried to push through again.
"No, it's not that, it's just" He looked at the handcuffs,
"Oh, Right," He held his arms up, the man unlocked them
Canazza rushed into the cockpit, he sat at the co-pilots seat and turned to the unconscious pilot, "Damn," Canazza recognised him as one of the men in the launderette, "Too much suffering was caused that day"
Canazza was staring straight at the offending pants, he could clearly see the monogram, the stench was almost unbearable.
He reached for thruster control and slowed the ship down, the pants slowly eased away from the window, canazza turned the ship slightly and then turned it back so that they were out of line with the nuclear underwear and sped the ship up
"Someone get some smelling salts"
Another guard entered and started waving them under the pilots nose,
"Not for him " Canazza began to black out, "for me you ninny,"Name: Dave Canazza
Status: Out like a Heavy... erm, light