Niples - "Beware, lots of childish toilet humour" pt1

Who: Jay and Seymour
Where: Mollopod planet, around (and in) a giant cesspool
When: After Jay fell into said cesspool
If Seymour were any less of a gentleman he would have pointed and
laughed as a wet turn beamed in atop Jay's head.
Jay didn't look too happy. He was soaked, he was sticky, and he was
very very stinky. Seymour didn't know what to say, he just stood and
stared at the misfortune of the Blue Dwarf's Chief navigation
officer. He couldn't think of anything appropriate to say so settled
on the truth, which was: "I'm jolly well glad that's you in there
rather than me!"
Jay just scowled, and wiped the slime off his face, leaving a brown
smudge across his cheek. He tried to stand, but fell further into the
foul wet lake of Mollopod excretion. "This isn't funny Seymour!" Jay
scolded. But Seymour was was ready to admit that it wasn't. But it
was freaking hilarious, Seymour just didn't want to admit to laughing
at something that a child would find funny.
"I would love to Mr Chrylser, but... well..." he pointed to his clean
suit. "I think we're many miles from a reputable dry cleaners that
adheres to the five-star independent poly-fabric cleaning standards
that I adhere to when I wash my suits."
Jay pulled a face.
"Instead, I shall go fetch a rather large pole in which you can grab
hold of."
"Make sure it's a very heavy one so that I can beat anyone who laughs
at me." Jay said, gritting his teeth.
"Now, now Mister Chrysler, that is not the attitude to adopt. After
all it is nobody's fault you are in this ...mess."
"Fault? It's that bloody Justin's fault, if I see him again I'll..."
"I'm sure you will. But for now, grab this plank of wood I have
Jay grabbed the wood, and was genuinely appreciative of the help from
someone as selfish as Seymour, but couldn't help wiping his hand over
the face of the smug toff git.
"Oh Mister Chrylser, that was terribly childish!" Said Seymour,
fighting back the urge to make funny faces and scream like a girl as
the remnants of a Mollopod's recent meal dribbled down his face. Jay
"This truly is vile." He said, and spat at the floor as it reached
his mouth.
Jay looked up at the skyline of the city they were in. Black smoke
plumed up from one oarea of the city, whilst gunshots could still be
heard. "We need to get these Krylons out of the city." Said Jay. "The
Mollopods told me they were working on a new ship, I think we should
ask to borrow it to get the Blue Dwarf back."
But Seymour wasn't listening. Something strange was happening inside
his body. One small drip of the wet excretion had got into his mouth
and the bacteria was now messing with his internal organs. His
stomach was making growling noises, much like the stereotyped sound
of a large monster as it is just about to stomp through New York.
"Are you okay?" Asked Jay.
"Yes. Absolutely fine." Said Seymour clutching his stomach. "I was
listening. Ship. Mollopods. Get the Blue Dwarf back, right."
"Seriously Seymour you don't look well."
"I feel fine. I think it's just this giant cesspoll we're stood next
"Erm... yes, good point. Let's move, but arm yourself in case we see
some Krylons." Jay handed Seymour his backup pistol. One that was
caked in brown lumpy poo with some sweetcorn stuck in it.
"I think I'll be fine thank you so much." Said Seymour, refusing the
"Suit yourself. Lets find the rest of the team though, if we can
round each other up, we have a better chance of beating the Krylons."
Then Seymour just ran away, holding both his stomach, and the tail of
his suit jacket.
Seymour desperately needed the toilet. His stomach was making that
horrid sound that indicated a short countdown before something very
bad happened. Unfortunately he didn't know the Mollopod written word
for "toilet" so he had to rely on the pictures. The universal picture
of a man and a woman didn't seem to be as universal as Seymour
thought. He ran over to a building that vaguely looked like a toilet
block but couldn't work out which door lead to the mens. First of
all, there were three, and Seymour wasn't entirely sure which of the
three genders he fell into.
His stomach burbled, which hurried him along and made him try the
first door. He only got a metre before the sound of screaming slugs
chased him out again. The second door was locked, so he tried the
Seymour had high expectations of what a toilet should look like. He
had been to planets where it was the custom to squat, and he had
strictly been against thee. He only felt comfortable on "proper" sit-
down toilets, with plenty of the softest (and most expensive) toilet
roll, or possibly one of those incredibly posh ones where a small
robot slave will wipe your bottom for you and spray you with perfume
This is why this Mollopod toilet was a shock to him. His first
reaction was "Well I'm not using that!" but after his bowels twinged
in agony, he decided that he must give it a try.
Instead of having a bowl, this toilet had a small matter-transporter.
A technology that the Mollopods seemed to use for everything. Seymour
looked at the technology sceptically. He didn't know what it would
teleport, for all he knew if he sat on it, he might end up with his
left buttock materialising several miles away from his right.
A tensing of his gut almost forced him to sit down, but he danced
around long enough to decide this wasnt worth the risk, despite only
being minutes away from some kind of embarrassing moment that would
leave him more filthy than Jay currently was.
Jay was outside, but Seymour didn't have time to talk to
him. "Seymour what is wrong?"
"I need to find a proper toilet!" Seymour called as he ran away very
fast. "Preferably one that isn't dangerous!"
Seymour was in an unfamiliar city, and worse, it was a city that was
under attack. Clutching his lower midriff, he ran from building to
destroyed building to see if it had anything like a toilet. His
stomach was feeling bloated and he had to clench his buttocks firmly
closed now, as he could already feel something working its way out.
<To be continued! Will Seymour keep his pants clean? Find out next

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