Who: Justin Pancake
Where: The ruins of castle Boobage
When: After the ship crashed through the castle
An explosion not too far away caused a giant mushroom cloud to go into the air.
This caused the platform he was stood on to wobble uncontrollably.
Justin Pancake stood at the top of a partially destroyed castle tower, with his pants still around his ankles.
"Smeg!" Justin said for what seemed like the thousandth time since the castle was headbutted by something longer and bigger, and should be in space.
Justin clung onto the wall of crumbling stone right next to him, a creaking from the stone below told him that the tower he was at the top of wasn't going to remain standing for much longer.
In actual fact, the tower he was on wasn't much of a tower anymore. Most of its foundations had been removed, meaning that the floor that Justin was standing on was blanacing on only a few boulders. He could feel the tower swaying in the wind, trying to right itself and not crumple onto the rest of the ruined castle below.
Justin lowered himself to the floor, and managed to pull the pants and trousers up that were around his legs. To do this he had to let go of the wall he was desperately clinging to. He did this cautiously. Balancing himself was hard, as the tower was swaying a large amount, and with most of the walls gone, he could easily topple over the edge.
He pulled p his pants and winced as he felt something touching his destroyed penis, however lightly.
He crawled on all fours to the edge of the room, where the wooden floorboards were supposed to meet the far wall, now they were a precipice that overlooked ruins below. Justin could see people still fleeing the castle, picking their way over broken pices of wall and ceiling tiles.
"Help me!" He called out.
One person stopped. It looked like a Jester from the party he was at earlier, he ran over to the base of the tower where he looked straight up at Justin. "Stay there, I'll get help!" The Jester shouted.
Justin's body lurched forward as one of the stone bricks on the precipice gave way and fell, it tumbled through the air and struck the Jester on the top of the head, knocking him dead.
"Smeg!" Said Justin, and stepped away from the edge as more rocks fell away. He backed himself up against the far wall, the only wall that survived. The floor was rapidly falling away leaving him with only a metre of floor space. He tried to spread his weight to give him more time. It wasn't long before the entire tower fell to the ground.
The air cracked next to him and the air turned into a swirling red tunnel, from whch appeared a woman clutching a baby.
The was the most beautiful woman Justin had ever seen. He wanted to kiss her straight away, although he'd probably think that about anyone he saw right now, even if it was that Lester character.
"You've saved me!" Justin said, jumping up and grabbing the Queen by the shoulders. He fell in love with her instantly. She was attractive, like a model, although she had a baby which probably meant her sexual organs were stretched to buggery. Although he couldn't talk as his penis and testicles were in tatters after the wedgie to end all wedgies.
He tried to plant a kiss on her face, but she backed away and slapped him. "Eeew get away from me you cretin. Wait? Do you have money? I'll snog you if you have money."
"Erm I MIGHT have money." He lied. "Actually I have lots of money. I'm an um... millionaire!"
The Queen grinned. "Oh in that case FUCK ME!"
Justin was quite shocked, all it took was for him to lie about being rich and now she wanted to have sex with him? His face started to make a self-satisfied grin until he realised that the Queen's sudden outburst wasn't directed to him at all.
"We're on a fucking precipice!" She shouted.
"Yes there was an accident with a very large thing crashing into this castle." Justin admitted. "Can you get us out of here the same way you came in?"
The Queen looked down at baby Alota. "She did it. She can make wormholes, but it sees to be random. Come on darling, how about you make a nice big wormhole for Brittany and this nice rich man here."
Justin then realised where he knew the woman from. "Your name's Brittany?"
"As in Queen Brittany?"
Justin laughed. He had just tricked FHM's most drooled-over model that he was rich. If he could keep up this lie, he might have the time of his life tonight. Rumours were that Brittany was like a sexual deviant.
"So why are you here?" he asked.
"We needed nappies. Alota needs changing."
"Oh. Well it's the 12th Century, I don't think Pampers exist yet."
"Smart arse." She said with a wink.
Justin felt his stomach flip. He couldn't help staring at her boobs and couldn't wait for her to show them to him.
The tower shook. "Oh smeg, there's too much weight. The tower's going to collapse. Get us out of here!"
"Are you calling me fat?"
Justin gulped. "Of course not, you're beautiful!"
Brittany grinned. "Why thankyou big boy!" She grabbed him by the front of his trousers and Justin screamed in pain.
The tower started to fall, and Alota waved her chubby little hands and burrowed them away.
They appeared just outside of the castle ruins. They could see the tower they were on collapse into a heap of rubble and dust.
"Are you okay?" Said Brittany. "Most men like it when I touch them there."
Justin's eyes were watering. "Oh smeg." He said.
"Well it's time to come clean. I'm not actually rich, I only said that for you to rescue me and to sleep with you."
"Oh." Said Brittany.
"And the truth is, something really horrible happened to me today and my sexual organs were crushed. Look."
"Oh Jesus please put that away. It looks like roadkill!"
Justin nodded and pulled his trousers back up. "So even if I were rich, I still couldn't sleep with you. So there's no point even pretending. Thanks for rescuing me though."
Brittany slapped him again. "You're a scumbag, you know that?"
Justin nodded. "There's probably a lot more people who think that about me today too." He said. "Well, cya around."
"Wait!" She called after him. "You could still be useful. Try and find me some rags, we can use them as a nappy."
"You're really good at his baby stuff aren't you?" Justin said. "I imagined you to be more of a dumb blonde model."
"Oh, it's not my baby. I'm just looking after it for a friend." She said.
"An alien wormhole-creating friend?"
"Erm it's a long story. She's not totally Human, no. Do you really think I'm good at looking after babies?"
Justin shrugged. "Looks like it. You're holding her right anyway. Not like my mother. She carried me in one arm, and a can of White Lightning in the other. She dropped me often."
"Oh how sad." Brittany said, and pulled some material out of the ground. It seemed to be a flag bearing the coat of arms of Duke Niples of Boobage. She laid the cloth on the ground and kneeled down. She removed Alota's existing nappy and gave it to Justin to dispose of.
"Phew! That's nasty!" He said. "Woah . Hold on what's that?!" He pointed to baby Alota's naked backside, where a fluffy white tail protruded from her lower back.
"That is really weird!" He said.
"Like I said. She's not fully Human." Brittany said, and laid her onto the flag, wrapping it around her like a nappy. "There. Good as new!"
Alota clapped her hands in glee, and sparks seemed to come from her stubby little fingers.
"Uh oh, looks like we're going somewhere else." Brittany said. A crimson wormhole exploded from the air in front of Alota and they all fell through it.