JP "Queenie meltdown"
Who: Justin Pancake, Queen Brittany, baby Alota
Where: Sherwood forest
Alota clapped her hands in glee, and sparks seemed to come from her stubby little fingers.
"Uh oh, looks like we're going somewhere else." Brittany said. A crimson wormhole exploded from the air in front of Alota and they all fell through it.
"Where the smeg are we now?" Justin said, after he landed face first onto the root of a large oak tree.
Brittany shrugged, then noticed her hair had become all frizzy from the wormhole-jump. "Only Alota knows. And she can't talk. I wish she's stop though, it's making my hair all frizzy!" She picked up Alota, who looked like she was about to crawl off somewhere. "Look little madam, you'll have to stop doing all this messing about with wormholes. My beautiful royal locks can't take it much more. I doubt there is much conditioner in the 12th century."
The baby reached out for Brittany's hair and tugged it. "Stop that young lady! Some people say that my hair is my second nicest quality."
"Oh yeah?" Said Justin. "So what's your first?" He asked in a suggestive tone.
"MY TITS YOU FUCKING MORON!" Brittany shouted. Then she handed him the baby and went behind a tree to cry, leaving Justin with a baby and not knowing what just happened.
He left it a few minutes, and then walked over to see if she was alright. He found her sobbing against the mossy side of a large oak tree.
"Erm... ah... Queenie?" Justin said, attempting to start a conversation that might hopefully stop her from crying. "There there." He said weakly.
Then he stroked her hair and put a comforting hand on her shoulder. He rested it there for a while and felt her body shake as she sobbed. Then he grinned and slid the hand down her back and around to her chest, where he cupped her boob.
"Stop it you pervert!" She shouted at him. As she turned around Justin saw her make-up had ran all down her face. He jumped back in shock.
"Oh god do I look that disgusting?" She sobbed some more.
Justin shrugged. "Yes. Like the panda version of William Wallace."
There was a silence as that sentence hung in the air, Justin thought for a moment she was going to rip off his already hurting penis.
She laughed. Justin sighed in relief.
"So what's wrong?" Justin asked.
Brittany wiped her eyes. "You don't understand what it's like to be a Queen. Everyone is supposed to like you, they're supposed to look up to you."
"Err... are they?"
"Well... that's what I've been brought up to believe. That everyone likes the Royal family, it's traditional, and brings a lot of tourism to Britain and the British colony planets."
"I guess...." said Justin.
"But in reality everyone hates you. They think I'm pathetic."
"No they don't!" Justin lied.
"Yes they think that the Royal family is pointless and old fashioned. It doesn't DO anything. It's totally worthless in the modern age."
"Well yes. There is that." Justin nodded. "But people like you. I've seen your picture hung up on loads of peoples walls. They love you."
"Really? People love me?"
"Yeah. I've seen your nuddie pics on loads of toilet walls. Some were stained and everything. I think I've actually got a picture next to my toilet on the Blue Dwarf."
Brittany cringed. "See! That's the thing. I'm worthless apart from being a fantasy for lonely perverts!" she said. "No offence." She added.
"Kings and Queens of the past were great leaders, or great humanitarians. What have I done in my life? Got my tits out and slept with some millionaires!"
"How about turning over a new leaf." Suggested Justin. "You could sleep with absolute loosers instead. Starting with me!" He grinned.
Brittany flicked his flacid and broken penis through his trousers and Justin winced in pain. "Okay, maybe wait until I've had that looked at. Unless it goes black and fall off. But if so, I'll still be willing to touch you up!"
Brittany stopped crying. "Aww, thanks Justin. You're really sweet."
"Yes. You weren't thinking with your penis, like most men do."
"Because it's been crushed by a super wedgie! Can I touch you up now?"
Brittany wiped her eyes. "No. Can't you see I'm having a crisis of identity here? I want to change my life, and become something more than a high-class prostitute! I'm sick of being a model for filthy mucky magazines."
"Oh what a waste!" Justin admitted.
"Not if I turn to something just as good. Maybe I could be a space adventurer like you?"
"Erm... I'm not much of a space adventurer. I mostly just piss people off."
"I just feel like I should be doing more with my life. I'm a Queen for christ's sake, but I don't really know what that means."
"Don't Queens have lots of power?" Justin said, and started to get excited.
"No. Not anymore. That's why I'm just like some D-class celebrity."
"You mean Double-D?" Justin wisecracked. He got a slap in the face for the quip.
"I thought you were listening to me Justin!"
"I am. Look I'm listening now. Go ahead."
The Queen started talking some more but Justin became distracted by something in his pocket. He fumbled around and pulled it out. It was a glowing green sticky ball.
"Eeeeew! What's that? How long has that been in your pocket? What did it used to be? A sweet?"
"No. It's something that I was given when we were on the Mollopod planet."
The Queen looked at the glowing piece of snot. "I think you should give it back."
"No! It's a communication device."
"Like a phone? It doesn't look very much like a phone." Said Brittany, looking at her own sparkly pink phone.
"Kinda. It's.... Hym- alien." Justin said. He didn't dare admit to the Queen that it was Hymenopteran in origin. To almost everyone he'd known, the Hymenoptera were seen as deadly evil enemies. But Justin saw what else they were, beings of enormous power. He liked that.
"What sort of alien?"
"Oh... um... Ffionian."
"Yeah it's a Ffionian version of an iPhone."
"It looks like something I dug out of my fanny once after a really wild party!" Brittany said, then immediately regretted saying that. Although Justin didn't look disgusted, just curious. She changed the subject quickly.
"So why's it glowing? Is someone ringing you?"
Justin didn't want to admit that he didn't really know how it worked. The device had been given to him by someone in the Mollopod prison, they had told him how to escape, and then the same device helped him get picked up by the Hymenoptera later on. However, it had been inactive since all the Hymenoptera on the Mollopod planet were killed.
"Aren't you going to answer it?" Brittany said, expectantly. Then watched as Justin held the device up to his ear.
"Who is it?" Brittany asked. But for a few moments, Justin was in some sort of a trance. She waved her hands in front of his face but he didn't even blink.
Eventually he snapped out of it, and put the glowing green device back into his pocket.
"Well?" Brittany put her hands on her fake-tanned hips expectantly.
"Who was calling you in the 12th Century?"
"I need to go." Justin said.
"What?! You can't just leave me!"
"Then come with me. I need to find... something."
"What do you need to find?"
Justin touched the green Hymenoptera communications device in his pocket. It passes a signal to his brain, and he pointed in a direction. "I'm going that way! Follow me if you want."
Brittany had no idea where he was going, or what he was finding, but she followed him anyway. But first she had to ask one question.
"Where's Alota?" She said in panic.
< this was a JP between me and Onion >