Lt. Jason Smegg: "Back from the future"
Commander Nipels' office
Sometime
Lt. Smegg and Ensign Cauty entered the Commander's office with a report
in their hands.
"Sir we have finished our analysis of the artifact from the asteroid"
Cauty reported.
"Good," the commander commented, "so what have you found?"
"Well sir," Smegg explained, "after finally figuring out how to open the
thing up, we found some videotapes inside."
"Some videotapes???" the commander asked incredulously.
"Well, actually one videotape. But for the interesting part, you'll have
to hear from Ensign Cauty."
"Ensign, what do you have to say?"
"Well sir, the interesting part is, our inverse radiometry lab dated this
particular artifact to the 30,023rd century."
"The what century?"
"The 30,023rd."
"This thing came from, what, 30,000 times 100, 3 million years in the
future???"
"Yes sir," Cauty continued. "And for the REALLY interesting part..."
"That wasn't the REALLY interesting part?"
"For the REALLY interesting part, the barcodes on the tapes indicate they
were manufactured on the Red Dwarf."
---------------------
Commander's video room
A bit later
The tape slid into the slot of the player and began to play:
An eyeball peered into the camera.
"Kryten, is this thing on?" the person said.
"Yes Mr. David sir, I do believe the recording device is fully functional
and in operative mode," a voice replied.
"Good." The person stepped back, revealing him to be a pudgy young man of
unidentifiable ethnicity with a long braid in his hair. "Then, ahem, this
is David P. Lister of the JMC mining ship Red Dwarf."
"And this is Arnold J. Rimmer, BSC, SSC, JMC, DDS, NCC, ThD, Esq., Space
Explorer," said a nondescript holographic Caucasian. The man called
Rimmer saluted.
"Rimmer, quit that 'space explorer' crap!" Lister yelled.
A series 4000 mechanoid stepped up and said, "And this humble unit is
known as Kryten ZXQ-GS-2447."
Nipels paused the tape and whispered, "How did they get a series 4000
mechanoid? Those are supposed to be classified until all the bugs are
worked out!"
"These guys are from the future, remember, sir?" Smegg reminded him.
The tape started again. A funny-looking guy in a sequined sportcoat spun
around and yelled, "And this is me, the most unhumble, the magnificent
Cat! Owwwww!"
"What a bunch of weirdos," Cauty commented.
Then Kryten stepped up to the camera and said, "What we are here for is a
humanitarian mission."
"Right," said Lister.
Kryten continued: "Greetings crew of the Blue Dwarf, assuming it is you
who have found this message. We are on board the Red Dwarf in the year
3,002,298 and have sent this message back in time to warn you of an
imminent danger. While this may seem strange to you, I assure you, it is
fully explainable. But for now we must explain something to you."
"Stay away from the Red Dwarf!" Lister shouted.
Nipels, Smegg, and Cauty's eyes opened wide.
Kryten continued once again: "You see, according to our historical
records, your ship approached ours 23 months after a radiation leak on
board the Red Dwarf. Your sensors detected minimal lifesigns, and you
sent some of your crew aboard to investigate. They were killed by the
radiation on board our ship. We are here to warn you of this danger; do
not board the Red Dwarf or you will suffer casualties."
Rimmer whispered, "The proof! Tell them about the proof!"
"Oh yes," said Kryten, "and though you may have little evidence to back
up our claims, you can at least view records of our own predicament. Just
look in Lt. Jason Smegg's locker for a set of videotapes labeled 'RED
DWARF SERIES I-XIII.'"
"Hey!" exclaimed the Cat. "Don't I get to --"
The words appeared on the screen: "END OF RECORDING"
--------------------
Commander's video room
2 days later
"Did we HAVE to watch ALL those tapes?" asked a sleepy Ensign Cauty.
"I just wanted to make sure the folks weren't lying or anything!"
defended Smegg.
"Sure, sure. We could tell after series 3."
"All right! I admit it! My uncle gave me those tapes last Christmas but I
could never find a VHS player old enough to play them until you came
aboard!"
"But now, the question is, what to do?" mused Nipels.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Your scientists have completed their research in --
*****KABLOOEY*****
Okay, maybe they aren't quite done yet...
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