Set A Chrysler To Catch A...Bestrom. Damn.

Who: (sighs) Okay, here goes...Tara, Bump, Keto, Vanessa, Jay, Raven,
Phil, Rimmer, Skeletons
Where: The decomposed brig
When: When "the mediteam and the flightteam were trying cosmetics on
a decomposing skeleton" ;)
=========================
Keto grinned evilly as he considered exactly how Jay would feel
about being stomach-pumped.
The Chrysler pilot in question, finishing emptying his stomach of
its own accord (admittedly partly over Raven and Phil, but it's
amazing what can be cleaned off these Space Corps uniforms...),
blearily looked upwards as Keto began to head back off.
"Bu...wai' a sec," slurred Jay, "Don' we need HER?"
He jerked a thumb towards the skeletal form of Evil Vanessa,
misjudged the gesture, and ended up almost breaking Rimmer's nose.
"No," replied Keto calmly over his shoulder, not even looking round
at the yelp, "I've got a better idea."
"Really?" asked Vanessa, glancing back at her currently pickled
brother, "What's that?"
It was doubtful whether Vanessa would have felt better or worse had
she seen the glint in Keto's eye.
-- Later, Back In The Medibay --
The bulletholes in the wall...both from earlier and from Cerebrum's
little attempt to empty a half-full magazine...were being roughly
patched up with panelling, duct tape and in one instance a
particularly gooey ointment. Raven and Phil had been manhandled up
to the medibay from the brig, and were currently sleeping off the
effects of the stomach pump. Jay was propped up against the wall -
despite Keto's desire to inflict torture on him, he was rather
necessary for judging the effectiveness of this plan...
"I'M NOT DOING IT!" came another screech from across the medibay.
Jay, who had been dozing off, shook himself awake.
"Well, let's see now," said Keto's voice, "Either you do this, or
our navigation officer dies. Your choice?"
There was a pause.
"...is he really that vital to the ship?"
"Look, you're doing it!" growled Keto.
There was a yelp, and Vanessa came tumbling out into the medibay.
Jay, in his somewhat less-than-lucid state, had a little trouble -
he found he wasn't precisely certain that the figure in front of his
was his sister.
Admittedly she *looked* like his sister - unfortunately she now
also resembled someone who he KNEW was a skeleton down in the brig at
this precise moment.
Jay stared at the likeness of Evil Vanessa for a moment.
"Wha's goin' on?" he asked after a moment, blinking heavily. Keto,
stepping forwards, sighed.
"Explained all this to him less than ten minutes ago and already
he's forgotten it," the doctor muttered, "Would've thought that he
could hold Parrott's drinks down better than that..."
Keto paused, then kicked himself as he realised that without
alcohol aboard the ship, Parrott's would likely be supplying itself
from Cerebrum's little cache of moonshine...which in emergencies
could probably be used to melt a new emergency exit into the hull.
"...either way," he said, "This, Mr Chrysler-Creature, is your
sister...who hopefully will fool Mr Bestrom's evil counterpart into
believing that she is, indeed, the girl he wishes returned to him.
Someone so unspeakably evil and callous that she will let nothing
deter her from carrying out an unspeakably diabolical plan to..."
"Thash good..." murmured Jay, and promptly fell asleep.
Keto blinked, then growled something inaudible.
"Nurse Cleavage," he murmured, looking towards Tara where she stood
trying to revive the pleasantly sozzled Phil, "If you wouldn't mind
reviving one or more of our little flyboys here - we need someone to
get Ms. Chrysler here over to the Red Dwarf."
"Wouldn't it look a little suspicious? I mean, the arguably best
fighter pilot from the entire Red Dwarf crew having someone else fly
her home?" asked Vanessa innocently, "I mean, surely I'd have to fly
myself, right?"
"Ms. Chrysler," said Keto, "This is a rescue mission. If we let
you fly, it would be a suicide mission."
"Well, *you* explain it then!" challenged Vanessa.
Keto opened and closed his mouth.
===============
OOC: ...okay, it's late, I'm tired, and Keto's flummoxed. Anyone?