Parrott's pyre

Who: Zack, Cubie, NewZack, Cubiepede, Owen, scores of angry scutters, and
dozens of angry drunks
Where: What's left of Parrotts
When: Just after the departure of the Ointment 20 victims
Zack, Cubie, and NewZack picked their way clear of the rubble that was
once a fine drinking establishment. Back where the bar still stood, Owen
was on his cell-phone arguing with his insurance agent.
"No! This was NOT 'Lloyd-related'! She was nowhere near the premises.
I had a communist scutter revolution, punctuated by a psychotic
death-dealing hologram and a small group of instant giants."
Owen shook his head. "No, they entered the bar as normal patrons and
THEN grew bigger."
Owen listened for a moment, his eyes slowly growing wider. "WHAT!?! A
'No Ointment' clause?! Who said anything about ointment?"
Owen nodded. "Yes, Dr. Keto is on board."
"Yes."
"Yesssss."
Owen exploded. "That's insane!! There's no way you can prove that one
of Keto's ointments was responsible! It could have been any number of
phenomenon. Believe me, this ship has its share!"
"Yes."
"Yes."
"Yes, but-"
"Yes. Okay, but-"
"Yes."
"Oh, never mind! Just tell me if you hear a dial tone!" Then he
hurled the cellphone to the deck and smashed it with a loose board.
Owen turned and glared at the mob of patrons locked in hand-to-hand
with the scutters, who had run out of ammo at long last. "All right, all of
you freeze!"
The fighting continued.
Owen stepped up on the wreckage of the bar and shouted at the top of
his lungs. "Oy! Stop trashing the place!"
The fighting intensified.
Owen pulled out his torn and dilapidated ledger. "All right! Line up
over here with your IDs. Each of you is going to have wages garnished to
pay for the repairs.
The fighting came to an abrupt halt as drunks and scutters scattered.
Owen watched them go, then turned his attention to the four Richards.
"Well, at least they're gone. You should leave, too."
Cubie frowned. "Why, Owen?"
Owen grinned evilly as he salvaged a whiskey bottle, took a pull, then
started pouring it over the wreckage. "It seems I'm not insured against
loony holograms, ointment, or Penny Lloyd's bazookoid."
Cubie's frown deepened. "Then why are you smiling?"
Owen shook out the last drops of whiskey, then lit a match. "Because I
know for certain that I AM insured against fire." Hopping off the pile, he
tossed the match.
The remains of Parrott's bar burst into flames with a roar. Owen
stepped back in surprise, obviously not considering that there was more than
his one bottle of whiskey loose.
He turned and smiled at them. "Well, that's that. I'm going to go
construct an alibi now. You should do the same." With that, Owen departed.
Zack watched the bar burn. "Well, there goes another job."
Cubiepede eased up behind him. "That's all right. You won't need one
anymore, anyway."
Zack whirled on the morphed hologram. "Now look. I've about had it
with this. I'm not your husband. Whatever unpleasantness exists between
you has nothing to do with me."
Cubiepede leered. "But you remind me of him."
Cubie started forward when NewZack caught her by the arm. "I'll handle
this."
NewZack approached his ex-wife, hands in pockets. "He's right, you
know. This has nothing to do with him."
Cubiepede snapped a talon at him. "Wait your turn, cretin!"
NewZack sighed. "I know what caused this. I finally know why you
divorced me. I pawned your programmer's diamond broach for tickets to the
superbowl."
Cubiepede hissed. "That woman was a mother to me. It was all I had to
remember her, and you sold it for grubby nosebleed seats! Death is too good
for you, but I can't give you anything worse."
NewZack shook his head. "You know, if you'd just told me, I would have
bought it back. But instead you tried to kill me." He pulled the case out
of his pocket. "But I managed to track it down and buy it back once I knew.
Here. Take it, with my apologies."
Cubiepede gasped as she saw the gleaming broach in the case in
NewZack's hand. "It can't be! They sold it to a deep-space explorer. It's
out on the galactic rim by now."
NewZack shook his head. "Nope. I caught him before they left orbit.
But you've never given me a chance to return it."
Cubiepede shrank down, absorbing all the extra limbs. When she was her
normal size and shape, she looked at NewZack with a quivering bottom lip and
tears in her eyes. "I . . . I don't know what to say."
NewZack dropped to one knee and pulled a ring out of his jacket pocket.
"Say you'll remarry me."
NewCubie burst into tears and hugged NewZack. "Yes! Yes!!"
Zack smiled at the happy ending. He felt a hand slip into his, and he
looked over at Cubie. Her eyes were wet with tears as well.
NewZack and NewCubie turned to face them. "Thank you so much. Sorry
we were such a bother."
Zack waved dismissively. "Oh, think nothing of it. A scratch here. A
scorch mark there. Nothing that can't be fixed up with a little duct tape."
Zacks and Cubies exchanged hugs and handshakes, and then the new couple
disappeared into the deck in a jumptube flash.
Cubie blinked away a couple tears. "That was beautiful, Zack."
Zack nodded, unsure if the warm glow he felt was from raw emotions or
standing too close to the bonfire that was Parrotts. He decided that it was
the latter, and gently led Cubie away.
She sighed as they walked back toward their quarters. "You know,
sometimes I can't get over how weird alternate dimensions are. I mean, we
were identical to them physically, except that you're . . . well, he's
skinnier. But emotionally, they were worlds apart from us."
Zack nodded. "I know. And she was a lot meaner than you've ever been,
even when you were overdue for a mainframe purge."
Cubie laughed. "Yeah, those were awful times. I lost so many of my
special things when I was like that. All I have left is my programmer's
diamond broach-" She stopped dead in her tracks and started patting herself
down.
Zack looked at Cubie. "Something wrong?"
Cubie snarled suddenly. "That little weasel! He lifted MY broach to
give to her! OOOHH!" Turning suddenly, she decked Zack with a right hook
that sent him flying.
Shaking his head, he propped himself up on his elbows and watched Cubie
storm off. "Why'd you do that?"
"You reminded me of him!"
~(Just) Zack & Cubie (thankfully)~
Forgive me, Owen. Think of it as a chance to . . . remodel. Yeah, that's
it!