Niples - "Chicken of Bristol"Posted by
Posted: Jul 29, 2005, 9:55am
Who: Seymour, Jack and Athena
Where: The Gelf planet
When: After a long walk
Seymour whinged for perhaps the hundredth time. "Where is this
supposed `Chicken of Bristol' you're supposed to fight?"
"Don't you mean WE'RE supposed to fight?" Said Jack.
"Absolutely not! I'm a Royal Ambassador, not a barbarian!"
Athena sighed. "And these are my `would be' liberators." She said to
"Listen guys, could we just ignore this stupid task and just
escape?" Said Athena.
"I agree!" Said Seymour. "This is ridiculous, fighting a chicken?"
"Lets just grab one of its eggs for the King, then surely he'll help
us fix the Starbug." Said Jack.
"Well I'm starting to think he's just toying with us, and has
absolutely no intention of letting us go. We have things to do! We
can't stay on this planet forever!" Said Seymour. "What about the
mission! The Mutants, the big weapon! Plus I want a good meal, some
good brandy, a fine cigar "
"What about rescuing me!" Said Athena.
"Oh its all me, me, me isn't it!!" Said Seymour.
"Wait guys I'm picking up a lifesign, something very big." Said
Jack checking his scanner. "Its just behind that outcrop or rock."
Seymour looked around. "I can't see anything yet." Then he looked
up, hearing some nearby chanting.
Hundreds of small pygmie-like people were waving weapons in the air,
"Looks like we have an audience of natives!" Said Athena. "But
what's that they're waving? Spears, swords?"
"Pork swords!" Said Jack getting used to the innuendo on this
planet, Seymour groaned.
They climbed the craggy rock that looked over into the Chicken's
den. Athena gasped. The large chicken was sat on a huge nest.
"Man that's a big chicken!" Said Jack.
"Yeah " Said Athena. "Oh sorry, I thought you were talking about
Jack grinned, and Seymour crossed his arms in annoyance. "Excuse me!
You've only known me for a few days!"
"Well go prove us wrong then." Said Jack, prodding him in the
direction of the chicken. "Go distract it and we'll grab the eggs."
"Absolutely not! I'm a Royal Ambassador not a giant chicken tamer!"
"It's a new life-form, why don't you go and spread the good-will of
the Queen?" Athena suggested.
Seymour sighed. "Do I have to do everything around here?!"
Seymour slipped down the gravel into the chicken's den. He couldn't
really tell if it was really a hen or a cockerel, but whatever it
was it had now noticed him and stood up to face him.
Seymour started to sweat, feeling majorly unarmed. The chicken
towered above him, it's small head jerking side to side in a chicken-
like manner. Then it lowered its head and opened its mouth, wide.
Its mouth opened wider than any chickens he had ever seen, inside
the giant mouth were rows of incredibly large bone-crunching teeth.
"Hey Seymour!" Called Jack from behind him. "I've just worked out
what it is! It's a Cock-muncher! Gettit, Cockrel-"
"Yeah yeah, just hurry up and grab that egg!" Said Seymour.
"Get it further away from the nest first." Said Jack.
Seymour grumbled and tried to tempt the large nasty chicken further
away. It didn't follow him.
"Come on you bizarre freak of genetic alien engineering!" Called
Seymour. The cockmuncher just clucked, and bared its teeth.
Seymour looked up to the audience of pygmie people who were watching
him intently. He held up his hand. "I say could one of you
gentlemen please pass me a weapon?"
The pygmies smirked and lobbed a meat spear at him. It clattered on
the ground and Seymour picked it up. Seymour edged closer to the
chicken and gently prodded it in the leg.
The chicken looked confused and clucked inquisitively. Seymour
stabbed it harder, but nothing happened. "Come on you stupid piece
He slammed the spear into the chicken's foot and it squawked in
pain. Seymour decided this was probably now a good time to start
The chicken stomped after him angrily and Seymour screamed like a
girl. Jack and Athena hopped over the rocky outcropping and grabbed
a large egg.
"Its too big to carry!" Said Athena.
"Roll it." Said Jack.
They rolled it away from the nest while the chicken started pecking
at Seymour's heels. The chicken managed to snag Seymour's show and
pick him up, swinging him in the air like a limp-wristed action-man.
The chicken swung him side to side by its powerful jaws. The pygmies
on top of the cliff cheered.
Jack left Athena to roll the egg on her own. "I'd better save him I
suppose." He said.
"Aw, but its so funny to see him scream so much!" she said, watching
Seymour hanging by his leg from the giant cockmuncher's mouth.
Jack grabbed a pork sword that one of the cheering pygmies threw to
him and charged at the giant chicken.
"I really really hope nobody gets to hear about what I'm going to do
next." Said Jack, and jammed his pork sword up the cockmuncher's
It screamed with shock and spat Seymour to the floor. He immediately
started brushing the sand and chicken spit off him and grumbling
about his jacket getting creased. Jack grabbed him by the arm and
dragged him to safety.
The chicken limped back to it's nest, feeling violated and with a
feeling that it would never sit down again.
They presented the giant egg to the king.
"Many thanks!" Said the large flubbering sealion. He clapped his
hands together gleefully and told a chef to go and prepare him a
"So, can you give us the replacement spaceship parts that we need
yet?" Said Jack.
"I'm sorry, not yet. I have another task for you." Said the
King. "One of our major exports is fudge, which we lovingly make in
this city." He pointed to some people behind him. "Here are our most
experienced fudge-packers, they will show you how to-"
"ENOUGH!!" Said Seymour.
"What?" Said the King, gasping.
"I've had enough of your stupid little tasks. We just want to get
off this stinking planet. We have far more important things to do!"
There was a pause as the King stared at them.
"GUAAAARRDS!" He finally called, and several of the feathered crab-
like beings named `crustythrush' circled them with their powerful
It was looking unlikely that they would get out of there without a
fight. One crab made a move towards Jack, who grabbed it's claw and
used it as an anchor to kick the crustacean in the face with all of
his weight. He then twisted the claw until it's arm snapped off in
Seymour considered the next move, he urged Jack to throw him the
snapped claw in his hand. He grabbed Athena and pulled her closer to
him, putting the sharp claw up to her throat.
"Call them off your majesty, I have your Queen!"
Jack grinned. "And that's checkmate!"
Seymour sighed and looked at Jack dissapointedly. "No, its checkmate
if you take the King, you uncultured fool." He turned his attention
back to the King.
"Now you have to let us escape!"
The kind growled angrily as they backed off and into the pink bus
and made their escape back to their shuttle.
As Jack drove, Seymour checked in the back of the bus. "There's lots
of supplies in here, power cells, engine parts, bottles of antigrav
brake fluid, new furry dice, even some tax-free red engineplasma."
"We should have just done this to begin with!" Said Jack.
Seymour turned to Athena. "Sorry I had to threaten you like that."
"Don't worry, I wasn't scared!" Athena said.
"Well sod you then!" Said Seymour. Athena laughed.
"But thanks for rescuing me. I'm really not sure why I stayed here
for so long, I really don't belong here."
They drove the pink bus into the tunnel, and back to where they had
crashed the Starbug.
<Tag to Jack or Athena, or any of the other team by the Starbug>