Andy Roos - First postPosted by
Posted: Jul 25, 2007, 4:41pm
<OOC - Posted on behalf of David aka "Andy Roos">
(My first ever post on the Blue Dwarf board, I'm not asking for
forgiveness- just laugh once and I'll be happy. WARNING: most is
flashback about the new character, Andy Roos. Post ends with Andy's
encounter with the current events.)
Where: Earth, Japan
When: Year 2054, June 25
The last memory in Andy's waking mind was the fogged screen in front
of him. Right before that was the wacky Asian scientist (whose both
name and face current escaped him) that told him that he would be
fine and that nothing could possibly go wrong. He was actually right
The next was momentary burning chill of absolute zero. That was the
last time he would ever feel or even notice the difference.
Perfection. That was how it was described while the scientists looked
upon his frozen body in awe. It was the only (and last) time Andy
would be ever described like that. Again, this description was quite
strange as the naked Australian man had his hands stubbornly cupped
over his exposed genitals and his skin was currently more azure than
a smurf soufflé.
It was only then that the immortal question was asked by a random
scientist. "Well, now what?"
So began a journey that would last over fifty years.
Who: Captain Jed Calvert, Nameless scientist dude
Where: Blue Dwarf, Cargo holds; observation deck
When: Year 2107, a few months ago
Not quite unlike an agitated crab, the automatic door let off a loud
hiss and promptly pulled itself back up and into its hidey hole. This
happened to be the ceiling. The current lack of door now exposed the
person who wished to walk through it. The Captain's buckled, non-
regulation boots squeaked as they heavily stomped their way through
Upon those two legs was the captain of the ship, the ruler, the man,
the supreme champion of the mining-ship-turned-rescue-craft the `Blue
Captain Jed Calvert wasn't often that he was called down to the hold,
more important things normally held his interest. Boozing with
friends, women, picking fights (not so much leadership as others
But the NSD told him that something more vital had been found. As
usual, he had forgotten his name. He honestly doubted anyone actually
knew his name so he didn't much try to know.
Arriving at the observation deck, he beheld the back of the average-
looking scientist. NSD was average, there was nothing doubting that.
But this man took average above and beyond the call of duty. The fact
was that he looked so average that he was abnormal. Possessed of an
uncanny ability to walk into and out of people's blind spots was
nothing sort of unnatural.
A strong cough announced his presence. NSD suddenly jerked and turned
around. "Hello Captain Calvert, it's down there, in the cargo hold."
A swift, non-descript accent responded to the prompting.
"No smeg." The Captain stated in a long, sarcastic, Texan
drawl. "Here I thought you called me down here for some inner-sellar
moonshine... Whelp, which one is it?" He continued as he strolled up
to the window.
NSD quickly snatched up an equally non-descript clip board. "The one
in the middle, sir; it's the big red one with `experimental' on the
side." The Texan squinted critically. "Ya'll mean the one with the
Scutter, armed to teeth, camp'n down in front of it?" NSD flashed a
quick smile. "That's the one!"
"H'okay, cut the crap, what's so important about this thing?" The
captain stated in annoyance. There was a `Lonestar' back in Parrott's
Bar with his name written on it.
"It's from Red Dwarf sir." NSD stated before half-degenerating into
giggles. The Captain froze. "What did you say?"
"It was floating around a few hundred thousand miles back and we
pulled it in. Turns out the cargo container were the same type that
was used on Red Dwarf! It must have been jettisoned or something. The
best thing is; we know we're heading in the right direction!"
"Okay, okay, okay what's in the magic box?" The captain's neck was
now craned only a few inched away from toward the glass. "Well, Holly
and I have been scanning it all night and we think we know it's a
crew member- in cryo-statis!"
"Cryo-statis?! That technology was outmoded years ago!" He quickly
snapped, glaring back at the NSD. "I know, I know, but the point is
that is a person who was one the ship and possibly knows what
happened to it! Best of all, Holly has determined a way to safely
bring him back to life!!" The NSD was now beginning to sound like a
school girl at a rock concert who had just touched Justin
A short pause filled the room. Could it be ?
"Right so who is it?" The Texan's patience had almost run out.
"Why ask sir? I can show you! Holly, do be so kind as to begin?" The
scientist asked the AI while he scribbled madly.
Who: Captain Jed Calvert, Nameless scientist dude
Where: Blue Dwarf, Cargo holds
When: Year 2107, un-specified period prior
It was kind of funny that Andy didn't feel cold. He knew he should
feel cold. He was just thrown into the universe's coldest spot, sent
down to absolute zero in a fraction of a second and yet he felt
Then another strange thing happened. It was pitch back. Now THAT
didn't make sense. In his mind, three seconds ago, he was in a
brightly lit room full of people with copious amounts of facial hair
staring at his naked body. The feeling was similar to streaking in
front of a Santa Claus convention, only you where the star
attraction. Now it was pitch back, his body felt both dry and wet at
the same time and he REALLY needed to go to the dunny.
A loud, dropping clank shuddered into his ears and light slowly
filtered into view. Slowly his body was freed from an unknown force.
A light bending substance obscured a view of a room that was gunmetal
grey and a hint of blue. Then he figured out what he was looking at.
Ice it was rapidly melting ice.
A burning pain racked his body. Andy's limbs shook, his teeth
chattered and his genitals felt as though someone had just fitted
three docking rings on it.
The Australian man pushed forward on the ice in an attempt to get to
that light that sprayed upon him. A loud crack and it suddenly gave
Falling forward with a surprised yelp, his broad chest lurched
forward onto a large traction-less material.
A hard metal surface now prevented him from falling into infinity.
Completely nude, he trembled like a fifteen year-old seizure-prone
Chiwawa. Millions of Kilometres away from home he quickly fell into a
Who: Andy Roos
Where: Blue Dwarf, Women's Lavatory
When: Year 2107, Present
And that was it. With a prolonged, angry grunt he shoved the plunger
down toilet with a powerful downward thrust.
For a few weeks he was pumped for information about a giant mining
ship he had never heard of. Not before being treated for both
pneumonia and frost bite. Or was it that other way around? To be
honest those times felt somewhat addled in the man's brain.
What he learned of the Captain, Jed, was immediate. He was a man that
enjoyed his leisure time as much as anyone else and there was one
thing that he hated more than anything else; a hanger-on. In his
eyes, Andy was a hanger-on.
So, it was little wonder why he was here now. Given a Mongol's horde
of cleaning inventory along with an equally numerous amount of
replacement green and brown-coloured jumpsuits, it was announced as
the only human cleaner upon the Blue Dwarf. Perhaps he would have
been gifted a better job, had he not referred to the captain as
the `Texan zombie.' His only workmates happened to lack an actual
pulse. The Scutters, despite being excellent workers, still knew when
it was prudent to protest and when it was not. When they did, it
meant that it was Andy's job.
"Bloody hell ." The cleaner groaned pathetically as attempted to
engage the toilet once more, only for it to make a threatening
remark. Normally Andy thought of himself as a reasonable man. Even
still, he had many times when he thought that life was working
against him. This was one of those times.
Andy Roos earnestly believed that this toilet, and anyone who ever
sat on it, hated him.
To accurately describe what happened to his toilet before Andy was
called in would liable bump this story's ratings from M-15+ to X-18
and over. A less-scandalous description would be this. Somehow,
Roseanne Barr had both been resurrected, cloned multiplied times,
then immediately teleported to the women's restroom. After which they
all evacuated their bowels in a singular toilet, the weight of which
would have reduced all of their total body mass by two fifths.
And that didn't even take in account as to what had happened to the
Normally, Andy would be panting and sweating by now. He was doing one
of those two at least. Wearing a gas mask as to so that wouldn't
immediately be knocked unconscious by the stench, his lungs scratched
for oxygen through the deficient apparel.
No, he wasn't sweating and that was the problem. His body couldn't
fell hot or cold. These particular nerves had been roasted to a crisp
by inadequate de-frosting procedure. What was paramount to the de-
frosting was that he could still feel pain. Without pain or sense,
you could nick yourself then carry on for the next half hour
wondering why everything was going blurry. Nope, this was just as
bad. Without your body know if it was bloody hot or cold, it didn't
know if it should sweat or not.
This was bad- very bad. What most people didn't know was that they
sweat all the time, even in the cold. So, Andy had to get an implant
in his skin. It didn't regulate his body temperature; it just told
Andy what it was. Wasn't much chance of Andy freezing to death, it
was dieing of heat stroke and being shoved into the bowels of the
ship on a daily basis didn't help his condition much.
On the back of his right hand was a small, thumb-nailx2 sized screen.
Black background and red writing, it told him his temperature, core
temperature, room temperature and how long he had until his body
overheated and shut down. That was the one he watched the most and
like a download estimation time it was practically schizophrenic.
Good thing he did look at it, he had about 15 seconds left until he
blacked out. A small croak of panic escaped his throat. He stared
back at the taps, half didn't work and he didn't have time to check
them all. Then he looked back at the toilet in front of him. 10
seconds. Oh god . 7. A few seconds of hesitation, then he raised the
plunger. 5. He rammed the plunger into the guts of the toilet. 3.
Then spammed the toilet's activation button. 1. "PORCELAIN GODDESS,
HEAR MY CRY!!" The cleaner yelled throughout the mauver.
Then he blacked out.
Then he woke up, His jaw resting upon the toilet's rim, Andy's brown
eyes lazily blinked open and beheld the nightmare.
Completely soaked in dunny water, yet without feeling its chill, he
completely abandoned the entire woman's lavatory. Dragging his
cleaning trolley out behind him and turning only to slap a `Bio-
hazard, do not enter' sticker on the front.
A loud explosion suddenly rocked the ship. Andy carried on
regardless. He may have been out for the past fifty years and know
nothing about mechanics but even he knew Blue Dwarf was being held
together by duct tape and lackey bands.
Had he been more alert, he would have noticed the heavily armed GELF
that just rounded the corner.