Andy Roos - "Of GELFS, Swirlies and Scutters" pt2

Who: Andy Roos
Where: Blue Dwarf
When: Year 2107
The flannel-wearing GELF stood only a metre away from him with the
Bazookoid pointed directly at his face. All things considered, he'd
been in better conditions. The ringing in his ears began to subside
just enough to be able to hear his assailant's voice once more. Who
said there was justice in this world?
"Now… you're going to die." `She' claimed, jigging the dormant mining
laser in `her' hands.
<end snip>
A loud click and nothing happened. The GELF clicked the trigger once
more. It crocked the Bazookoid once again which only served to reset
the five minute timer. Possibly one of the stupidest things the
creature ever did happened next. `She' turned the weapon up and
stared down the barrel. Andy honestly wouldn't be surprised if the
phrase `no buwwets!' rolled from the GELF's tongue.
The dazed and hurting cleaner knew that he had to act now. His scum-
covered foot flicked up and smashed the bottom of the bazookoid,
physics did the rest. The GELF's hands immediately snapped up to cup
its broken face. He would say nose, but he wasn't sure if it had one.
Andy pulled himself up from the ground and stared down at the
writhing alien. If he gave it time to recover it would kill him
without a thought. He wasn't armed and that Bazookoid wasn't in any
state to keep firing.
If only he had something that could suffocate it or some-…
His eyes looked back towards the dunny that he had been working on
for the past three hours.
He knew what he had to do.
Dipping down quickly, he grabbed the bellowing creature and dragged
it over to the `Toilet of Death'. Pulling its head up to the bowl,
his foot held it down into the bacteria-filled ocean below. Hands
flicking down to his belt he wrenched out his plunger in one hand and
bio-acid in the other.
Slamming down the plunger with his right and spraying with his left,
finally Andy seized the chain his teeth and began to tug vigorously.
With each application of bio-acid the GELF bellowed in rage while the
plunger held its head down. With each tug of the chain, less and less
of the GELF filled the bowl. After a full ten minutes of struggling
the intruder finally stopped struggling and when slack.
Now all that was left of the creature was a body with a mound of crap-
coloured flesh for a head.
Andy's fatigued body stumbled out of the cubicle with laboured breath.
As he fell into a corner of the room, the horrific realisation washed
over him. He had just killed.
He killed.
Andy wasn't a holier-than-thou person, hell, he didn't even go to
church that often (dammit, he loved grape juice okay?!) but he prided
himself on that fact that even though he was a thief and an
occasional liar- he only sinned out of necessity. Was that really
necessary? That thing died a horrid death. Realistically, he was the
one who attacked it first, maybe it was just lost… or perhaps she was
going to only take him prisoner? He highly doubted that its mother
realised that it had just given birth to a little girl whose end
would comprise it of having her head melted away whilst being
swirlied to death.
A single tear rolled down his cheek. He could feel tightness around
his throat.
Then he realised that the `dead' GELF was strangling him.
Andy let out a prolonged choked cry as the appendages that could be
approximated to hands slowly constricted his air pipe.
"You arsehole!!" `She' yelled, though the tiny mount on her shoulders
said nothing. "That was my favourite head!!"
Andy's world started to darken as the oxygen supply to his brain
began to become quite limited.
Then a small squeaking sound stung his ear. His left eye spotted a
sight of blue that was undoubtedly his savoir; scutter-001. One of
the few scutters that never did actually attempt to commit genocide
upon the crew. Because of his age, he was now the leader of the few
that were left. Andy being the only person on-board that actually
gave the few that were left the time of day instead of the scour of
laser, 001 had taken quite a shine to him.
An enraged blare erupted from the tiny mechanoid as it unleashed it's
bolted on pain laser upon the GELF's back. Being hit by a pain laser
wasn't like `Oh, that stung' kind of pain but the feeling was more
akin to being shot at five times with a .45, had three pounds of salt
rubbed into the wound before being kicked in the nads for good
measure…Alternatively the power of the laser could simply be
approximated to being sat upon by Jennifer Paterson.
A piecing bellow erupted from the GELF as it turned back to the
Scutter. The released cleaner immediately hacked and panted for
oxygen through the already suffocating gas mask.
The pain beam was kicked up a notch as the robot wheeled backwards.
001 quickly soon began to realise that his beam wasn't going to stop
it. His CPU in a panic, the Scutter's only other weapon engaged. A
high powered jet of water sprayed out from the other side of the
Scutter's bug-like face but understandably did little to deter the
rampaging beast.
He understood this doubly so as a heavy boot swung down and kicked
the unfortunate robot through the air and into the wall. It didn't
Then a tell-tale crack issued from behind the GELF, the creature
didn't even have time to mumble for its mother as the Bazookoid
fired. Crack after crack, the Bazookoid reloaded and fired without
end. After thirty seconds of near-constant fire, the cleaner finally
re-opened his eyes and found that the weapon had obliterated
everything but the GELF's boots and two metres of pure steel in a
maelstrom of destruction that the world has never known and would
never know until the final battle of good and evil.
So basically it was like happy hour in Parrott's bar.
He didn't give a damn that there was an Alien there. He was going to
get himself wasted after this.
The cleaner pulled himself up off the ground once again and hobbled
past the now-empty pair of boots and to the dormant Scutter. Andy
kneeled down to the robot's unmoving body.
The Cleaner critically looked over the damaged fuselage of the shoe-
box sized cleaning bot. He'd picked up some things on mechanics while
working in and around these little machines and providing the
occasional touch up.
Not to mention the whole re-design that the Scutters aboard
underwent… but he didn't have time for reminiscing. For now let's
just say that he as much chance as able to clean this ship by himself
as the Socceroos did for winning the world cup. The blue robot's
skirt was damaged at the angle it hit the wall, and the CPU was
likely shut down more than actually harmed. Its own circuits where
running a self diagnostic on the damage so that second it was plugged
into a mechanic's testing cable, a detailed report would be ready for
There was a problem with that. Able as he was, Andy wasn't a mechanic
and there where GELFs aboard.
Still, the cleaner wasn't going to leave his little friend. Slinging
the Bazookoid's strap over his shoulder his strong arms scooped up
the robot. Temporarily forgetting just how heavy the machines were he
let out a small grunt before he hauled it out of the lavatory and
into the corridor. Despite the hole that he made in the wall being
much bigger and accessible, he still weaved out of the normal exit.
With a prolonged sigh, he left the mass destruction behind and
continued forward to his cleaning trolley.
Holding a face-claw of the Scutter in his jaws while his right hand
held its body, the cleaner's left wiped away the inventory that lay
atop. Gently he lay the machine down upon the trolley and wheeled on,
Bazookoid in hand, plunger and bio-spray in belt. Deciding that he
may not have what it takes to murder but he DID have the capacity to
kill in self-defence, he crocked the mining laser in preparation to
defend himself and his little friend.
This time, when he saw another heavily armed GELF rounded the corner.
It ate laser.
Walking past the burning carcass he kept wheeling towards the express-
lift. One of his best friends, without it would be a few days travel
from here to anywhere in this damn ship… just to clean more toilets.
Unfortunately, people started to request a different compartment just
for cleaners- meaning him. This wasn't completely uncalled for, as
people around him suddenly had the clairvoyance to know exactly what
he did while he was working… before they even saw him.
Fortunately, he didn't need to smell like that all the time, his
amount of brown and green bio-suits where so numerous that they were
disposable. This was quite a good thing as Andy didn't like laundry.
Unfortunately his jumpsuits had all the durability and soaking
ability of sponge and also meant that he walked around looking like
the cleaning guy 24/7. His pay was simply so pathetic that he just
didn't have enough to eat, buy booze, save up for a trip home AND
have clothes. So something in his budget simply had to go. The
survivalist in him told him that the Bio-suits where functional
enough and that he was hardly dressing to impress. He never had a
girl as a friend let alone a girlfriend and he strongly doubted that
any chick would be interested in the no-doubt historical ship that a
swathe through the galaxy… and of this star-studded crew while he
would only be remembered (if at all) as the guy that cleaned their
With a sigh and a click a small light brightened on top of the large
steel door of the horizontal shaft. Crossing his legs and arms Andy
leaned against the side of the entrance of the express-lift. Eyeing
the fast moving lift, buttons lighting up and falling dormant as it
passed the sections, he gave a heavily sigh as he waited for
something to happen.
<To be continued, or tag to anyone who is around and wants to meet
Andy the cleaner>

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