Efof + Dysart - 'Bad touch'
Who: Dysart, Efof
Where: Hymenopteran vessel, Interior
When: 30 minutes after 'The thorax appears'
"I can't believe we're doing this." Dysart mumbled to himself.
The sports suit wearing man leaned over what could be approximated to
a brain in the bio-organic ship. What he was essentially doing was
like trying to hot wire a cockroach. His time aboard the pink dwarf
he'd doubled up as the IT guy and the electrical engineer in one. This
was nothing like that.
"So you've said for the past 30 minutes... now did you want that funny
tubey thing now?" Efof replied in his usual upbeat fashion. No matter
how insane the plan he was always all for it. Even still the
multi-limbed alien was surely the perfect assistant, four arms and no
end of enthusiasm.
"The coolant tube? Yeah pass it over." Dysart grabbed the long
freezing noodle without looking back then shoved the wet end onto the
brain. He hoped it would wake it. He noticed that once more he could
feel hot and cold again. All he had to do was die then become a hologram.
"Do you have *any* idea what you're doing?" Despite his enthusaism,
Efof was anything if not blunt.
"Would you believe me if I said yes?" The mechanoid specialist looked
back with a hopeful look on his human face.
"Now if we where talking about two slices of toast and thirty five
different toppings, then sure. What we ARE talking about is an alien
vessel that resembles the lovechild of bugs out of star ship troopers
and a light bulb."
"Look, you're an alien right? Shouldn't you have an idea how their
"The only real experience I had with them was first hand... you know
while they were trying to KILL me!!" The alien's tone suddenly made a
turn for the snarky.
"... Oh yeah... so they did..." He mused in an uncaring fashion.
Dysart's grip suddenly failed him as a high pitched insecitizoid
screech rumbled through the ship. The coolant tube whipped out of his
grip and began to flail about, spraying liquid wildly like a garden
hose, or a headless snake... or Y-19 in full lov'in mode. "...What the
hell was that?!" The robot yelled in bewilderment as the very ground
beneath him shook
In a rare moment of preparation, Efof's hand immediately dove for his
pant pocket, fishing out a small black and yellow book.
"What the hell is *that*?!" Dysart's vocabulary clearly needed some
"It's copy of Hympenoptrean, for Dummies." The blue man replied
swiftly, flicking through the pages.
"You have got to be kidding." His metal compatriot scoffed.
"Serious! This is Amber's draft book. She wanted me to proof read it
for publication." The alien replied earnestly, proud to take his place
Dysart snatched the book from his hands. "Now I KNOW you're lying. Let
me have a look at that..."
'Hymenoptrean are large ugly, rat bastard aliens. At first they have a
superficial relationship to insects and this holds true up to the
point to the fact they are 20 times the size and have energy weapon
technology. The key to understanding their language is still rather
simple once you know how-.'
|Remember!| Shoot anything with teeth bigger then its face!
"Sounds about right." Dysart mumbled with slightly widening eyes.
The robot tossed the book back to Efof. "What is it saying?" He
whispered loudly, ducking down to one knee.
Taking cover behind a 'console' Efof manically flicked through the
pages. "Okay... assuming it's a 'Hissssssss-k' and not a
'Hissssssss-ca'. Then he wants to know what we're doing on his ship,
or more accurately- 'him'."
Dysart blinked stupidly, and then it dawned on him. "Eww... what does
The blue Alien cleared his throat. "Well, if's a 'ca' then he wants us
to grease him up and hit him with orange Frisbees."
What ever 'ah' meant in Hympenoptrea, Dysart made a mental note to
never say it again.
Several fleshy apparatus shot out of the wall and unerring headed for
the AI's... well...
"OH MY GOD!!" Dysart screamed like a girl scout as he wrestled with
the tube like it was an overly curious dog. The fleshy apparatus gave
the appearance that it was impaling him as it clipped through his
"Wait...Aren't you a robot?" Efof mentioned slowly, making deadly sure
to stay out of sight.
"... oh yeah." The robot immediately stopped struggling.
Which would be something he would come to regret.
The freakish insectzioid firehouse detached from his metallic crouch
and smacked onto his face with a wet slop. Efof immediately gave a
sympathy wince as he clutched his phallic forehead.
Dysart's hands shot up to sides of his head and began to scrape
futilely at the foreign object.
At what first started as a slow buzzing quickly increase in volume to
a dull roar as the sounds of a binary code broadcast around Dysart.
The longer the code went on, the more the ship began to shudder and
brighten with time.
The fact of what was occurring quickly became apparent to the Alien.
"Hey! I thought I was translating!" Efof protested angrily as he
waved around the draft booklet.
Without a warning, the hympenoptrean detached from the man's face. His
holoform flickered as he fell to his knees,
gasping for fake air, Efof quickly noticed a green line of slime
lining the sides of his metal head. A moment later
and Dysart returned to his artificially handsome weird-eyed and silver
Making certain that the ship was no longer in a sexually harassing
mood, the alien deciding that it was... well sated, he quickly
skittered over to the robot. "You okay?" He whispered.
Dysart, winded thanks to his humanoid hard coding and looked back up
at Efof. "Yeah... I reasoned with it. The only way it wouldn't shoot
us out of the air lock was if it thought we where Jay clones."
"Yeah... It wasn't hard, me being a robot and you being an Alien-."
"It's not that, you'd probably live in the vacuum but I'd... awwww...
you DO care, Andy!"
"For the last time, my name is Dysart!"
Like an irate beast of burden the ship shuddered then slowly pulled
itself away from the hull of the grungy Blue Dwarf. Although broken
and bloodied the ship still managed to fly without issue towards the
grand hympenoptrean mother ship.
Had Dysart realised where it was taking them to he might have taken
his chances with the hard vacuum of space.
<Tagging Onion, amazing what you can do when you're being lazy at work!>