Kill Phil Vol:3Posted by
Posted: May 2, 2009, 1:10am
Phil sprinted across the Mollopodian countryside. The battlesuit he was piloting taking each stride tens of metres. On the horizon the skyline of Little Cheftonia slowly began to creep it's way into view.
"STOP! IN THE NAME OF THE MOLLOPOD MILITIA!" came a voice, Phil stopped running and skidded to a halt, the feet of the machine cutting a foot-deep chasm into the ground. Standing in front of Phil was a contingent of three Mollopod tanks, each one with it's barrel aimed squarely at Phil.
"Remove your crunchy outer shell now, and I promise you that we'll give you a painless death!" A mollopod officer stood in front of the tanks clutching a loudspeaker.
"As tempting as that sounds.." Phil replied "I think I'll pass if it's all the same to you!"
"Don't be foolish human!" the Mollopod Colonel said in response "If you cooperate, we can microwave you! At 850 watt you'll be dead within 6 and half minutes...assuming we remember to pierce the film lid, and take you out halfway through to give you a stir..."
"That's supposed to be the painless option?" Phil said, genuinely a little scared. He even thought a little wee came out.
"Deep fat fryer?"
"Still not sold. Sorry.."
"Well...if you don't cooperate, we'll oven cook you for 3 hours on gas mark 5!"
"How about I just kick your sorry ass instead? As long as I'm in this suit you'll never stop me!"
"We'll see about that!" the Colonel replied, and snapped whatever it was that passed as a Mollopods fingers. Two Mollopod privates teleported either side of him, between them, held above Phil's head was a giant nutcracker, which they began to close around the suit's shoulder and push reaaaaaallllllly hard.
"Nice try..." Phil said, smirking "but my toys better!"
He extended his arms, without so much as breaking a sweat, snapping the nutcracker in two and catapulting the soldiers off into the distance. They teleported away before hitting the ground and reappeared at their commanders side.
"Now what sir?!" they said
"Now..." said the colonel. "We tenderise him! TANK'S! OPEN FIRE!!!"
What happened next was a blur, to the outsider, Phil's reactions were lightning fast, the reality was that the suit's onboard computer detected an imminent threat and launched itself into the air with it's powerful hydraulic leg pistons seconds before the ground on which Phil stood became nothing but a crater. Re-taking control as the ascent gave way to gravity and became a descent, Phil maneuvered the suit over the first tank, and landed on it's hull, grabbing it's barrel, he yanked at it, bending the barrel so that it was now facing the tank next to it, just as the shell fired and destroyed the neighboring vehicle. The tank behind Phil now fired, but he was in the air again, and the tank on which he had stood seconds before vaporized into nothing but white hot shrapnel. One tank to go, Phil once more leapt on top of it and this time, squeezed the barrel tightly then again launched himself skyward as the tank's shell detonated within the now too-narrow barrel, blowing the turret to smithereens.
"Toodle pip old bean!" said Phil's voice over the suit speakers as he waved goodbye to the furious colonel and dashed off into the distance toward the city. The marauding Pulmonater was now in sight, nearing a bridge across a wide, deep ravine and Phil was headed straight for it. At least he was...until a high-yield rocket from a pursuing Mollopod fighter overhead hit him in the back, sending Phil hurtling toward the ravines' edge. Phil managed to get the suit onto it's front, but no matter how hard he tried, he was carrying too much momentum for the suits hands to be able to slow his journey, they cut into the ground, right up until Phil disappeared over the edge of the ravine, and fell.
<to be continued>