Little Pancake gets a lot of attention
Who: Justin Pancake and "Lady Vulva"
Where: Castle Boobage
When: Before the castle was destroyed by a massive mining ship dropping from the sky
Justin woke up with a start. As first he didn't know where he was, he looked around to see that he was in some sort of four-poster bed with white linen sheets draped across each posts. After a few moments thought, he still didn't know where he was.
A sharp pain in his nether regions caused him to look down towards his groinal area, where he saw a very attractive girl tending to him. A smile grew on his face as he saw the girl's head bobbing up and down over his crotch. He couldn't even remember how he got into this position, but now wanted to thoroughly enjoy it. He should really though have wondered who this girl was, and why she was paying such delightful attention to his manhood. Was she the fair maiden at the Duke's banquet who kept giving him seductive looks? The one with the really big eyes that reminded him of a cartoon character he used to masturbate over when he was fifteen?
He looked down to see if he could recognise her. All he could see though was plaited hair with a chain of daises in it. She was wearing a white robe, typical of this era.
Justin outstretched his arms and put them behind his head with satisfaction. Then he realised something terrible.
His crotch was in tremendous agony, he hasn't felt it when he first woke up, but now he could feel it. It was incredibly painful. What was this girl doing to him? Was she chewing off his favourite organ (whom he referred to as "little Pancake"?)
"Erm. Hello?" Justin called to the girl who was paying a lot of attention to his penis. "I don't know what you're doing, but that really hurts! Ow... OW! Please stop you satanic harpie from hell! You're killing little Pancake!"
The woman raised her head. Justin almost shrieked in fright as he saw her face, it wasn't as pretty as he'd hoped for. "Erg. You're not the pretty girl with big eyes from the party."
"I was at the party." She said. "I'm Lady Vulva. I sat next to you all evening... but you ignored me."
"Maybe because you have a face like... that!" Justin said, and tried to get up but when he moved, his testicles hurt more.
"What have you done to my love-spuds you filthy harlett?" He said. "Annoyed that you can't get any one your own, so you decided to nibble on mine when I was asleep?"
The woman got off the bed and stood up. "How dare you! I'm trying to help you by bathing your crushed .... man-things.... in warm milk. You were really badly injured!"
Then Justin remembered what had happened. It was so excruciation that he'd tried to suppress it from his memory. His testicles had been mostly crushed by a Super-atomic-origami wedgie.
A bad one.
"I removed your undergarments from your anus. They had been pushed pretty far up there..." The woman said.
"Out! Out! Get out!" Justin said, annoyed with the world in general.
"Oh... but sweetie." Lady Vulva said. "I've seen your ...intimate parts. Don't you want to see mine?"
"No I don't you horrible old hag. Can't you see that my sexual organs are in tatters? I have absolutely no sexual urges at the moment, and even if I did, I wouldn't touch you with a longsword."
Lady Vulva scowled, and her face went red with anger. She stormed out of the room, pausing only to throw a tin jug right at his exposed testicles.
Justin winced in pain again.
Then tried to move, the pain was making even standing up very difficult, so he wriggled to the edge of the bed and attempted to prop himself up into a sitting position. He strained to get up, but after a few attempts decided to stay where he was, although the position he was in with his genitals on display was extremely unflattering.
Unfortunately someone came through the door just then to see Justin exposing his crushed dangly bits to the world.
Strangely, the person who just came through the door was the grim reaper. Or at least he looked like the grim reaper, he wore a long black coat with a hood.
"Smeg! Is a crushed winkie enough to kill someone?" Justin shouted in surprise. Then he looked down at his ruined testicles. "Okay. Without them I'm better off dead."
The grim reaper took down his hood to reveal he wasn't Death after all, but merely a friendly old man. He carried a bowl over to the bed.
"Are you a doctor?"
"What's a Doctor? I'm an Apothecary."
"Oh smeg. Help! HELP!"
"Oh don't worry young chap. I can see you're in a lot of pain. That's why I've brought these leeches."
"The leaches will make you feel much better."
"Like fuck they will you tosspot!" Justin shouted, and tried to get off the bed, despite how much it hurt. The Apothecary held him down however and put several leeches onto his testicles and penis.
"Ow... OW! It's sucking my blood out!"
"It's supposed to, don't worry."
"No! No! It hurts, I think it's going up my urethra!"
Justin thrashed wildly. He shook so much that the bed started to creak and bang against the wall. Then things attached to the walls like ornamental shields and swords started to drop to the floor, then several pottery vases started to crash to the floor.
"Calm down!" Said the Apothecary.
"That's not me." Said Justin. The doctor jumped up and Justin was lying still, but the bed was shaking and it seemed like the entire castle was moving from side to side.
"What in the name of Jesus and the holyland is this?" Said the doctor and ran out of the room. Justin saw him disappearing down a circular stone staircase.
Justin managed to get out of bed and hop to the window. Only now did he realise where he was, he was in the tallest tower of the castle, and something very large and very blue obscured his view from the window.
The giant blue space ship collided with one of the towers first, seeming to miniaturize the castle with its humungous size, then ploughed on, leaving a huge gouge in the ground is it hit the floor, breaking up into many pieces, all the size of small mountains, some disintegrating all together, others burying themselves deep underground.
Justin stood with his back to the far wall. The stone room he'd previously been in was now nothing more than half a room, probably only a quarter. The other three walls had been totally knocked away.
An explosion not too far away caused a giant mushroom cloud to go into the air. This caused the platform he was stood on to wobble uncontrollably.
Justin Pancake stood at the top of a partially destroyed castle tower, with his pants still around his ankles.
<Tag - can anyone rescue him?>