The Cake Is A Lie

Who: Keto, Wolfgang
Where: The Medibay
When: After the discovery of the DNA sample
"Get that sample to Dr Keto, he may be able to analyse the DNA..." Chief
engineer Callum ordered, sending someone in that direction. "We may have a
Wolfgang then gave the container with the DNA one more look before placing it
inside his jacket and turned to make his way out of engineering.
He then later soon arrived at Dr Ketos medical lab after staggering along and
shaking inside of turbo lifts and corridors (even passing a few people who were
walking normally and so gave Wolfgang strange looks as he passed them) as the
blue dwarf shook from the impact of Mollopod attacks against the shields of the
Blue Dwarf.
Wolfgang then with the container of DNA in hand looked around for Dr Keto.
The medibay seemed deserted, with vials and flasks of ointments covering almost
every surface. The medibunks had been pushed to the sides of the room, clearing
an area in the centre, which was scattered with what looked suspiciously like
confetti. There was some faint noise coming from one of the doors on the far
side of the medibay, leading to Keto's office.
Wolfgang, somewhat confused by the state of the place, walked forwards and
slowly pushed the door open.
Doctor Keto was sitting at his desk, wearing a bright purple party hat. On the
desk in front of him, instead of the usual papers and ointment recipes, sat a
large red cake in the shape of a cross, with a single extinguished candle
burning in the middle of it. A single slice had been cut out of the cake and
this slice sat on a separate plate in front of Keto. Just to the side of the
cake (Wolfgang was a little alarmed to see) lay a pair of pistols.
As Wolfgang opened the door, Keto looked up from taking a bite of the cake
slice. Their eyes met, and there was a long silence.
"Well," said Keto after a moment, "What do you want?"
"Err..." said Wolfgang, looking at the cake, the pistols, and then back to Keto,
"Zis...zis is still ze medical laboratory, ja?"
"Ja...I mean yes," said Keto, frowning and putting back down his plate.
"Und...everything iss...alright?" asked Wolfgang.
"Oh, of COURSE everything's alright," said Keto, "The ship is under attack by a
hostile race, that juddering a short while ago would seem to indicate that
something has gone horribly wrong with our wormhole drive, the Queen is dead,
causing a peaceful coalition of said hostile race to crumble into chaos and
violent anarchy, and my chief surgeon has exploded."
"Then...why ze cake?" asked Wolfgang, blinking. Keto raised an eyebrow.
"I told you. My chief surgeon has exploded. This is a celebratory cake."
"Ah. Und...ze weapons?" asked Wolfgang, waving one hand at the pistols. Keto
"Last time he died, he came back."
"Look, did you actually WANT anything, or are you just here to ask inane and
strangely-accented questions?" snapped Keto, "Because I have a cake to eat, you
"Ja, indeed, er, ze chief engineer, he found zis DNA sample on ze damaged
wormhole drive," said Wolfgang, pulling out the tube of DNA. Keto rose from his
chair and swept past Wolfgang, snatching the sample from his hands as he did so.
"He asked if you could vork out from whom it came," finished Wolfgang, watching
as Keto was already busy rearranging various pieces of medical machinery at the
side of the laboratory.
"Of course I can," said Keto coldly, "I, unlike some in the vicinity, am a fully
qualified medical professional. I am therefore adept in the use of advanced
medical technology in ways that non-professionals could scarcely comprehend."
"You have not turned it on," said Wolfgang, pointing at the inactive plug socket
of the machine Keto was fiddling with. The doctor glowered at him and flicked
the wall switch, causing the machine to spring to life.
"Remind me of this day when you have your next routine medical checkup," said
Keto, an icy edge to his voice. Turning back, he placed the DNA sample in the
sequencing machine and began working on its attached console.
"Is zis machine fully licensed?" asked Wolfgang after a couple of minutes, in an
attempt to break the tension. The attempt failed as Keto growled something
under his breath.
Fortunately, further riveting discourse was interrupted by the sequencing
machine making a noise that sounded like a cross between a doorbell and a dying
"Vat in ze vorld...!?"
"That means it's finished," said Keto, "Differentiates it from the beep of the
He tore off the sheet of paper that the machine was already producing, and
inspected it closely.
"Well, we have a winner," he said, and passed the sheet of paper to Wolfgang,
"Better take this to the captain, rather than the chief engineer. Now."
"Of course," sniffed Wolfgang, and headed off with the paper in hand. Keto
watched him leave and waited until the medibay door had sealed behind him,
before turning to the nearby screen.
"What's up doc?" asked Holly, appearing with a huge grin on his face. Keto
"Yes. Wonderful. Gets better every time you make that joke. I need to talk to
Rufus, now."
"Sorry doc, Rufus isn't available at the moment, he's busy on the bridge trying
to work out something to do with wormholes. Can I pass him a message?"
"Yes," said Keto, closing his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose,
"Normally I'd say to hell with it, but...just...ask him what the smeg he's
gotten himself involved in, would you?"
"Got it, will do!" said Holly cheerfully, and vanished. Keto glanced down at
the machine, the screen of which was now displaying the full medical profile
and, importantly, DNA structure of the sample he had just analysed. The
quad-helix structure could only have belonged to four people on the ship - and
one of those people was already dead, and only one of the others would have been
likely to have anything to do with the wormhole drive.
Keto stared at the screen, frowning.
"I am almost certain," he muttered to himself, "That this is SOMEHOW
Shakespeare's fault."

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