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View character profile for: Seymour Niples
Who: Brittany, Seymour and some Mollopods
Where: Mollopod spaceship
Brittany looked around.
"This is what the inside of a Mollopod spaceship looks like? Why are they serving burgers?"
"Mollopods like to eat." Seymour said and approached the head chef. "Are you Captain Marzu?"
The fat slug-like creature finished chewing his burger and swallowed, before extending a stubby sweaty hand out to him. Seymour winced as he took it.
"I've brought you Queen Brittany."
All the Mollopods on the ship bowed to her, and Brittany looked confused
"Not that I'm trying to encourage you in any way..." she said guardedly "But aren't you meant to be trying to consume us, basted in a fine red wine jus instead of genuflecting like that?"
This was greeted with an enthusiastic murmur of approval and much nodding of heads by many of the Molopods, some even going so far as to pat their bellies and lick their lips with their long blue tongues, a faraway look in their eyes
"Oy! Pack it in!" Marzu snapped angrily, before regaining himself enough to bow to Brittany again
"Your Majesty" he burbled, clasping his stubby little hands in front of him "Welcome aboard! We came as soon as we heard of your other existence"
Brittany opened her mouth to say something and then closed it again
"What!?" she snapped
Marzu in turn looked a little confused
"Uh... Your other self, your Majesty; the other Queen Brittany...? Surely you're aware of her? Constant telepathic communication and all that...?"
"Oh... Her! Yes!" Brittany lied, eyes darting around, looking for anything that would give her a clue as to what the hell was happening "Constant!"
"I knew it" Marzu beamed "The other Queen said you were"
Seymour looked as if he was about to wet himself
"I say..." he spluttered excitedly "Are really you trying to say that there are two Queen Brittany's!?"
Marzu grinned, favouring him with a massive array of teeth
"Indeed there are, little man; the Holy Sage's have been bleating on about this sort of 'Two Queens who are one' thing for centuries, and nobody had the vaguest clue about what the hell they were on about until only recently!"
"And they were talking about her Royal Highness all along!?" Seymour enquired
"Exactly" said Marzu "Although I must say that we all felt a bit bloody silly after that little bit of unpleasantness last year! Sorry about all those other humans that got eaten; but you have to admit it was a damn good job that we managed to teleport the Queen off that little blue ship of yours before it blew up!"
"Well, yes! That's... that's just fantastic!" Seymour gushed, his eyes alive with excitement "But how is it even possible that there are two Queens? Are there any more?"
"At this smegging rate" Brittany muttered sullenly under her breath "there'll be dozens"
"I've no idea how, and no, not that we're aware of" Marzu replied "Although now Her Imperial Highness has revealed herself to be the long prophesised God-Emperor, even I, a previous non-believer, have to accept that virtually anything's possible!"
"God-Emperor!?" Seymour asked, his eyes widening
"Absolutely right!" Marzu grinned enthusiastically "And let me tell you, they don't come along too often! What we have amidst us here is a bone fide miracle!"
"Well, I'd say it was more likely some unforeseen quantum entanglement effect, arising from a last ditch teleportation process..." Brittany started
"Now, now, there's no need to go getting all technical on us your Majesty" Marzu chided good naturedly "You'll only go pissing the Sages off with talk like that - you know how they are..."
"Well, I for one have got to say that this is all delightful news!" Seymour clapped his hands "Am I right in assuming that the Molopods wish to rejoin the Commonwealth?"
"Indeed we do, little man" Marzu blubbed "We just need to reunite the two Queens so they can rule side by side and then we'll be presenting our formal application to the secretariat"
"Ah" Seymour said gravely "In that case, there are a couple of little issues that need to be addressed before we can proceed..."
Brittany explained the situation with the JMC and her own predicament with the Prime Minister and his unreasonable demands that she should return to Earth to shack up with some wealthy punter in order to start producing heirs to the throne
Marzu frowned when she had finished and scratched a couple of his chins
"I'm not sure if I like what I hear about this Prime Minister of yours, your Majesty, and I'll be buggered if I let him get in the way of the will of the Molopod people; but I'm a little loath to be the instigator of another... diplomatic incident..."
"Well, if you would join us in our struggle against the JMC" Seymour suggested "The Prime Minister's hold over our beloved Queen would be dramatically reduced"
Marzu shifted uncomfortably
"I had thought of that" he wheedled "But I think we might just negotiate - it's the whole 'diplomatic incident' thing that I don't really have an appetite for; you'd be surprised how touchy some humans are about having their relatives eaten, and we wouldn't want that all over again..."
"Yeah, well" Brittany smiled "You didn't hear this from me, but..."
She leaned close to Marzu and whispered something in his ear that made his eyes widen in sudden surprise, a broad smile spreading quickly across his blubbery lips
"Now, there's a bloody good idea" he grunted "We've been after that sort of thing for ages, but none of your diplomats have had the stomach for it! Obviously the real stuff will always be in demand amongst the connoisseurs, but that should more than placate almost everyone else"
"That's what I thought too" Brittany smirked, extending her hand "Deal?"
"Deal" Marzu shook her hand and turned, heaving his bulk around to address the rest of the assembled Molopods
"Prepare the fleet for battle" he bellowed "Fire up the ovens and send word to Little Cheftonia that we are now at war with the JMC"
He turned back to Seymour and Brittany, bowing deeply
"We should get you back to the Blue Dwarf your Imperial Highness; we have many things to prepare, not the least a fine béarnaise sauce, but we remain yours to command"
"Of course" Brittany smiled "We'll leave you to your preparations Captain"
The teleporter engaged and Brittany and Seymour rematerialised back in the Arboretum
"Well done there, your Majesty" Seymour beamed "...What exactly was it that you offered Captain Marzu in exchange for his help?"
"Oh, nothing much" Brittany shrugged "Just open season on anyone who's a JMC employee and some of our more basic cloning technologies so they can make human burgers whenever they like"
<tag / tbc>