A problem best solved by alcohol

Artemis couldn't concentrate. He was too tired and too strung out to focus on the lab restoration, which he realized when he was trying to nail a toothpick into a toaster with a coffee mug. Why do I have to keep working? Artemis thought. I'm my own boss again After several seconds of contemplation Artemis shouted "F*ck it I'm taking a day off" and made for the exit, leaving his lab coat on the hook by the door. Artemis couldn't remember the last time head alcohol

Parrot's Bar had changed, well the whole damn promenade had changed! But Artemis didn't really notice until he was sitting at the bar. He had walked through the crowds of sapient rodents and escaped experiments (a lot of them his own work) without paying any mind, which was fine with the promenade's new residents as they paid him little mind as well. Only after two shots of Satan's Piss (a red alcohol laden with radiation from the cadmium leak) did he realize that there had been rodents in the promenade. But did he really care? He turned the scientist off for today and no longer cared. So he kept on with the alcohol and eventually memories started coming back.

The University Days

"Okay Mr Pritchard, please demonstrate you experiment" Prof. Pickett demanded in his usual stuffy way. "Oh absolutely,but it's Dr Prtichard, I've already attained three PhD's" "Just perform the damn experiment kid" Artemis straightened his tie, glared at the professor, and stood next to his machine. "Subordinates!" He shouted. "This is the molecular state transformer! This device is capable of changing the state of any element, object, or person in existence!" Another student perked up, "Did he say person?" Artemis threw a wrench at him. "Silence subordinate!" He cleared his throat and returned to his diatribe. "I have tested it on numerous subjects, from cans to diamonds and lab rats! It converts anything to liquid, gas, or solid, of you want to be boring and plain. Now, I will test this to you by turning this boom box into a cloud of funky vapor!" Artemis fired the laser and a student in the front row was turned into a cloud. "Or Pytor.....Behold the cloud of Slavic exchange student!" The students marveled at it, as did his professor, who hadn't actually paid attention to Artemis until now. "You can bring him back, right?" The professor asked.......

Back in the present

Free bird plays in the background as Artemis and Holly chat, both drunker than hell.

"I've been a terrible human being Holly" Artemis slurred, putting a USB drive into Holly's mobile screen labeled "shot of whiskey". "Yeah....you totally have dooood" Holly slurred. "I've killed people, created monsters, caused economic ruin, and not to mention the damn Q-Bomb. But it wasn't my fault Holly!" "Really? Okay Artie, whose fault was it?" "It was my smeghead father's fault I turned out so deranged! When they told him I had mental problems, do you know what he did? He sent me to a school for psychotic kids! Never did he try medicine or classes, no, he took the easy way out! And when I finally got my 12th PhD that scumbag scolded me! So I nailed him with a spanner and left him out of my life! If that prick got me help I could have been like the Artemis from the other reality who was perfect!" "But what about your mum?" "Science bless that woman-computer for trying to make life better for me! Had she been a human she probably could have gotten the help I needed, and maybe the correct XY chromosome. Being a YY is hell Holly, do you know how bad body odor smells when you're 100% male?" "Doooooood, blame it on your dad!" "Yeah! Screw that old f*ck! 3,000,000years into the future and I'm still kickin' while that old douchebag is petrified dust!" "Yeah! I don't have a dad but screw him too!"

Artemis and Holly continued to pound shots and sing along drunkingly to Free Bird when somebody entered the bar, another Dwarfer. "Hey! Come on in and get shitfaced!" Artemis slurred.

Who wants to get plastered with Artie and Holly?

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