Ding Dong Dah [FPF]

“We’re not even going the right w- Oh.”

I shut up ‘cause Jacky was pointing at a sign which, as he was looking smug, I assumed was for the Tourist Centre.
“’Hem, right. Okay.”

A not-so-sultry-but-quite-mellow voice skat-hollered from Arti’s direction: “A boogaloo, boogaloo doo, sha-waddy waddy ding dong dahhhh!”

“Jacky, pull over, I’m gonna smash his face in.”
Jacky laughed – something I realised I’d not seen him do much before despite having known him for quite some time now. “You promise?”
The kid pulled over and I turned to look at our tripping twit of a crewmate. “The fuck Art- Whoa.”
Poor bastard was white as a sheet and sweating out something bad. Suddenly I didn’t want to pop him in the nose any more. "Shu waerr.."
“F*CK! Jacky, step on it.”

--
Tourist Information Centre

We pulled into the lot behind the Tourist Centre. It was eerily quiet.
I pointed this out. Jacky nodded. “They’ll be on the walkway, the other side.”

“All right, you stay in the car with Artemis. I’ll go scope it out.”

I made my way over to the Tourist Centre, stealthy-like.
As I got a little nearer, I saw a figure was sitting out the front, gripping its knees and rocking. It was Boyd. He was crying.

“Hey.”
“Go ‘way.”
I put a finger to my lips. “Shhh. Keep your voice down. What’s going on?”
“She thinks I mind raped her.”
This shocked me. “I… Sorry, what?”
“She thinks I mind-raped her. I would never rape anyone – mind or otherwise.”
He began crying again.
I didn’t really know what to do. “Uh… ‘Course you wouldn’t mate.” I crouched and squeezed his shoulder. “I wouldn’t” he shook his head.
“Look, Boyd, we need to focus here.”
“I DIDN’T WANT TO HAVE THESE POWERS!” He suddenly wailed.
Quick as I could, I slapped my hand over his mouth. “Shhhh.”
He nodded and I noticed he was starting to look as waxy and sick as Arti.
“Look,” I told him “everything will work out okay if you just keep it together and give me a quiet update on the mission status.”

There was the roar of many old fashioned choppers approaching. From what I could make out, they didn’t like look like full assault choppers, but it wasn’t good news. “SMEG.”
They hovered overhead and behind slightly, probably lighting up the walkway Jacky and Boyd had been going on about.
“Oh shit, shit…”
The others were about to get got by olden day people in helicopters and Arti was dying, and we hadn't got the thing to make him and Boyd better.

Then an idea struck me. It was worth a go.

“Boyd, come with me.” I dragged him back to the Mustang and shoved him in. I looked at Artemis – who definitely seemed to be dying. He looked appalling and his eyes were fluttering closed. F*ck.
“PRITCHARD!” I barked, calling on my (eungh) days in the Hinterlands, and he stirred, opening his eyes to try and stare at me, but they were unfocused.

I could feel Jacky staring at me, I flicked him a look and saw that he had an unimpressed raise of the eyebrow. "Trust me" I told him.

It was time to try the idea.

“JUDGE PRITCHARD, THIS IS NEW SUPREME-CHIEF-JUDGE WEATHERS, AND HE ORDERS YOU INTO ACTION IMMEDIATELY!”
Don’t die.
I hoped it might somehow kick the Judge memories back into gear and shunt some adrenaline around his system.

Suddenly Arti turned from a rag-doll into a stiff limbed monster from a zombie film. His height meant that he bonked his head (and he calls me lanky, cheeky git). I opened the door and he got out, apparently now er… what’s the word… like, uh… infused? with energy.
Good, he was still alive and able to function. I was glad, because to be honest I didn't fancy giving him the kiss of life if he went into cardiac arrest.

He turned to Boyd – who I'd hauled back out the car, and was only just managing to stay conscious himself (I was having to hold him up to stop his legs buckling) – and asked a question.
It was weird, his voice was no longer that of the crazy scientist, but gratey, low-down and gritty.

“SUPREME-CHIEF-JUDGE WEATHERS, WHAT ARE MY ORDERS?”
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I know Arti is usually spelled Artie, but sometimes I like spelling it Arti.