FPF Backpost: Sons of Science

OOC-Yes I know it's literally been weeks, work schedule sucks, let's leave it at that. Gonna have a little fun with this one, Okay Artie, they're all yours

Hello, yes? I'm not good at these monologues, I'm a scientist not Morgan Freeman. I mean, yes, I was a thespian in College, but that was different! More often than not the director used actual lasers and explosives so it was a life or death struggle each act of Anything Goes. But damned if it didn't separate the men from the boys

But you people have to have your damned "FPF" posts, and I'm not gonna have that damned argument with the writers again, so here's your precious First Person post.


There I stood inside the walls of the legendary Alamo (legendary for what exactly? Being a place where some daft Texans decided to fight a sea of mexican infantry rather than conserve their strength and join up with their friends, IT'S BASIC WARFARE TACTICS FOR SCIENCE SAKE!), on one side was my tank of a great grandfather Artemis "Bull" Pritchard, and on the other was a legion of militiamen, most of whom were going to die unless Bull and I pulled of some damned miracle.

"Alright plebeians, gather round!" I said, rolling out the plans for my "period" superweapons, hastily assembled using whatever I knew the Texans had on hand. None of the Texans listened. "Bull, if you would"

"GET YER ASSES OVER HERE BEFORE I START RIPPING SPINES OUT!" Bull yelled, getting the attention of every single man in the Alamo. Within seconds everyone had gathered around us. Oh, how I wished I had the ability to command men like that, everybody on the Dwarf would have been turned into cyborg zombies by now.

"Alright, since you're all here, I can tell you how we're going to slay Santa Anna's men with less effort than it takes to butter a biscuit" I said with a wicked grin.

"Bullshit! We're outnumbered 100 to 1! You New York boys ain't gonna change that!"


I coughed and turned back to the schematics.

"I've designed a litany of weapons, only a few of which we might be able to build before the Mexican Army shows up. We have, however, built a working prototype of what may be our primary defensive weapon"

I walked over to a covered weapon, and pulled the tarp, revealing my take on the Gatling Gun....which still had 30 or so years until it came out (I figured 'why not get the paradoxes started early?' It's not like we were here to respect the timeline or anything).

"I call it.....the Pritchard Gun. A belt fed, steam powered cannon that can flatten an entire battalion of infantry before you can say 'overkill', any questions?"

"Yeah, how much bullshit does it run on?" Higgins said, looking around to see if anyone was going to back him up. Luckily, the rest of our men were somewhat smarter and kept their damned mouths shut. Morons


"You don't believe me that it can flatten an entire battalion? Well, I guess I'll have to show you"

Bull hoisted the cannon onto the mission wall. I climbed onto the wall and sat down in the gunner's chair. With the throw of a switch the engine rumbled to life, I waited for the pressure dial to settle into the green before spooling the weapon.

"Let's show these trogs what an insane amount of PhD's is capable of" I whispered to the gun before pulling the trigger.

The gun erupted, throwing a sea of flaming hot lead through an abandoned wagon. By the time the belt was empty, there was literally nothing left of the wagon or the boulders sitting around it. I hadn't felt so accomplished since Artie Jr. lobotomized one of his rodent classmates to do his bidding.....ah, fatherhood

"Any questions?"

The texans erupted into a roar of applause.

"Oh please, stop...." I said. "I am your √úbermensch now you troglodytes"

"What else?! What else?!" One of the men said excitedly, like a sugar-hyped child.

"This!" Bull said, unveiling the next weapon....a rocket cannon.

"This we call the "Wrath of the God", a rocket based weapon that will send flaming rockets into the hordes of Mexican infantry. We'll burn them to the ground before they can get within feet of the walls" I said, pacing up and down the wall next to my gun.

"These are the only two prototypes we have, however, I have schematics for more. Pressure triggered mines that will pop out of the ground and blow their heads clean off, a flame spewing cannon, and my favorite...a set of steam powered battle armor that can wield miniaturized versions of these weapons like toys"

"So...how quickly can we put them together?" someone asked.

"That depends on you....how quick can you put them together? We've the resources to pull this off, but do we have the workforce?" I said, glaring over the assembled Texan horde. "Well, do we?"

The horde couldn't contain its excitement any longer. "Let's fucking do it! Woo!" someone yelled, the horde fanned out to begin work.

I could get used to a workforce like this..... I thought.

Some time passed, the Texans slowly assembled my weapons while I lorded over them making damned sure they stuck to the plans (these weren't shelves from IKEA, you couldn't duct tape them and make them barely work).

"The runners have returned!" One of the watchmen said.

I rushed over to the arch hanging over the gate and peered down at the group assembled outside the main gate.

"It's about damned time you people got here! I thought I was going to be doing this fucking thing by myself!" I shouted at my compatriots. The others looked up at me.

"What the fuck? Artemis, is that you?" Cass commented.

"It's a long story Ms. Jones and I'd love to regale you with stories of my Texas adventures and how I'm sort of a Human again but time is of the essence!" I yelled back. "Bull, if you would please let my friends in"

With a swift kick Bull opened the gates, the other Dwarfers entered the alamo with the runners I had sent out previously.

"We're already at work building my weapons, but I need help refining the engineering aspects on some of the larger gear. Additionally, we're short on some supplies and basic firearms, if anyone knows where we could get some before Santa Anna shows up" I called down to the others.

"We'll divvie up and take care of it, are you sure your stuff will work Artemis?" Jay asked.

"We've built prototypes and conducted tests, so long as they're all built to my exact specifications they'll work fine!" I said, getting more than a little weary of being doubted all the time.

"Alright people, let's get to work, Brittany is already onto us and it's only a matter of time before Santa Anna shows up for the battle!" Jay said.

"Oh, the meta-being queen is onto us already? Fantastic! What a battle this shall be!" I said, picturing the glorious carnage in my head. How I wished the family could be here to see this, they loved a good bloodbath.


Alright guys, we've got some weapons but the larger ones need some help from engineers. Additionally, are there any mods you could make to the existing weapons to cause greater carnage? Or some other designs we could build?

There's some supplies we're short on, along with some small arms, who wants to fetch them?

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