Lt. Jason Smegg - "You stop to avoid hitting your dog"
An away team? Oh boy! Smegg had never been on an away team before. He'd
always had to stay back and mind the ship's engines. Which was fun, yes,
but nothing compared to the excitement of exploring strange new worlds,
seeking out alien civilizations...
Then he realized how dangerous this particular mission could be. He'd
prefer to explore slightly less freakish new worlds, seek out slightly
less hostile alien civilizations. It was just the happy bomb radiation
talking.
But... it would be FUN! Happy happy! Joy joy! Die Ren and Stimpy!
So he set off.
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In the deep dark corridors of the Proxima Orbital Poultry Facility,
suddenly a giant letter "h" with arms and legs appeared in front of the
away team. It was a dark orange color, and, well, it was a letter "h". Of
course everyone was shocked to see a giant letter "h" walking around in a
space station, but then this was a secret genetic research facility, and
these were trained Space Corps officers who should tough out any such
strange occurrence.
Although, Smegg realized the reference to an old computer game known as
"nethack" in which an intrepid adventurer, represented by a "@", explores
a dungeon in search of treasure, and must fight against numerous
monsters, represented by various letters of the alphabet. Someone at the
research lab must have had a weird sense of humor. He began to chuckle.
"Halt!" said the "h". "None may pass!" As it spoke the words appeared
over its head.
"Why?" said Major Harris. "Cause we got a mission to do here and you're
in the way!"
"NONE MAY PASS!!!"
"Smeg off you bastard," Harris replied and drew his bazookoid.
The "h" drew a sword from out of nowhere and swung it. It missed.
Words appeared in the air: "THE HOBGOBLIN MISSES"
A searing blue plasma bolt shot out of the bazookoid toward the "h".
It missed too.
Words appeared in the air: "YOU MISS THE HOBGOBLIN"
"Damn!"
Harris fired again. This time he hit the "h" and tore off its left leg.
The "h" swung again and disemboweled Private Kenny Loman.
"Oh my god it killed Kenny!" yelled Doom Harbinger. "DIE BASTARD DIE!!!"
Private Harbinger unsheathed twin bazookoids. Two plasma bolts seeked out
toward the "h".
The "h" now had one of its four original appendages. (Its left arm.)
Harris began to lead the away team past the disabled monster.
"I'm not finished yet!" the monster yelled. It picked up the sword with
its undominant hand and swung haphazardly at Harris's leg.
Harris jumped over the sword and blasted the creature's arm off.
"Now you gonna give up? Or do I have to blow your head off too before you
understand?"
"Tis only a flesh wound! I'll bite your eyes out!" the creature snarled.
"Fat chance," Harris said, and finished it off.
By this time Lt. Smegg and Ensign Cauty were rolling on the floor with
laughter.
How could everyone else have missed out on seeing a classic like "Monty
Python and the Holy Grail"?
Then the chicken came...
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"We are... two bold and stupid men!"
- Dirk Perfect and Guido Crescendo
Itinerant Swordsmen and
Instructors in the Art of Gentlemanly Behavior
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