Lt. Jason Smegg - "Visiting the dean's office"
Lt. Jason Smegg left the holosimulator after his first and only attempt
at "being" his favorite video game character. (Usually he just simulated
the video version of the games in which the characters engaged in any
sort of physical activity. Galactic empire games, on the other hand...)
He didn't think it would actually tire him out! Wasn't it supposed to be
As he opened the door, he saw Commander Niples peeking in through the
"Lieutenant, although it is usually none of my business what crew members
do in the holosimulator booths, I noticed that the heat readings were
ASTRONOMICAL and so I decided I had to have a look. May I have the
pleasure of hearing just WHAT exactly you were trying to do in there, as
I was afraid you would cause a computer core meltdown."
The lieutenant replied, panting and sweating:
"Excuse me, Mr. Smegg?" said the commander, visibly ticked off.
Smegg panted for a minute and caught his breath, but his voice was still
hurried: "I was just trying to get inside my favorite video game, sir,
and there's also this psycho computer personality that's trying to take
over the ship, so I thought maybe if I overtax the computer core the
computer won't be able to do it, sir..."
The commander was not impressed by this story. "I think you need to
report to the brig for a little while to cool off. I'd send you to
sickbay but it's full due to a recent accidental reprogramming of the
food receptacles on deck 7 such that whenever someone ordered chicken
soup the self-destruct countdown would start. 43 heart attacks; eight
nearly died. Major Harris will be waiting for you."
"But sir - "
"Don't but sir me! Report to the brig, and I've got a surveillance watch
on you to make sure you don't run off."
"Yes sir!" Smegg gave the commander a tired salute, then ran down the
hallway, arms flailing in dizzied confusion.
"RIMMER!!!" the commander yelled. Then he apologetically added, "Sorry,
Lieutenant, for a moment I think I must have been channelling the spirit
of Captain Hollister of the Red Dwarf. Is he dead? I ought to get that
Lt. Smegg got onto the turbolift.
A woman appeared on the screen. "Welcome to X-Press Lifts. Our in-ride
movie today is Star Trek XXVII: The Revenge of the Wrath of the Son of
Khan's Third Ex-Wife. If you would like to -"
Smegg cut her off: "Cut the crap and gimme the cyanide."
The woman appeared astonished. "But sir, no one has ever actually asked
for the cyanide before! I don't even know if it's actually there! I'm not
even registered to administer drugs! Boohoohoohoo!"
The screen exploded.
"Oh, great, now I don't even get to see Star Trek."
Smegg reached the brig, only to see Security Chief Harris sitting in cell
"Major! Forgive my asking, sir, but I didn't know security chiefs could
come under arrest!"
"Oh, no, Lieutenant, I'm just resting here," the major replied. "Why
don't you come in here with me. I've been wanting to have a talk with
you, and now that the commander sent you down here, it seems like the
personal opportunity. Forcefield, off."
The entrance to the cell shimmered bluishly for a moment. Lieutenant
Smegg walked in, and Major Harris turned the shield back on.
"It's about the intruder alert in your quarters. I have reports of
someone hacking into the computer system. Do you know anything about
if you give a man a fish, he will eat for a day
if you teach a man to fish, he will eat for a lifetime...
if you teach a boy to fish, he will feed the world
-jonny hart, "b.c."
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