Lt. Jason Smegg - "Battling the dumbots"
Lt. Jason Smegg
Chief Engineer, JMC Blue Dwarf
His quarters, 0400 hours
knock knock wham!
The door burst open and Lt. Jason Smegg woke up.
"Huh? What do you want?"
There was no reply.
Because the "person" who had somehow managed to bash down the door was in
fact four spherical floating robots.
The robots, having rammed the door down, now commenced firing green bolts
at Lt. Smegg.
Lt. Smegg cowered under his covers.
All the bolts missed.
Then Dr. Robotnik entered the room.
"You dumb orbitnauts!" he yelled, in a gruff voice with a vague accent
Lt. Smegg couldn't quite place. "You're supposed to HIT him!"
The orbitnauts beeped and fired again.
Again they missed.
Lt. Smegg peeked out of the covers and saw Dr. Robotnik.
"Oh, good, it's only a dream," he thought.
The lieutenant closed his eyes really tight, his usual method for getting
out of dreams.
It didn't work.
"Dr. Robotnik?" he asked.
Dr. Robotnik said, "Who?"
"Dr. Robotnik," Lt. Smegg repeated. "You, Dr. Robotnik. What are you
"I'm not Dr. Robotnik," said Dr. Robotnik.
"Then who are you?" asked Lt. Smegg.
"I'm a mercenary. And I'm here to kill you. Because you know too much."
said the mercenary formerly known as Dr. Robotnik. "Orbitnauts, enter
The four orbitnauts started to hum, then moved really really fast toward
Thinking what they had done to the door, Lt. Smegg, by this time
reasonably awake, rolled off the bed onto the floor.
The orbitnauts crashed into the wall behind Lt. Smegg, making four very
But they were still operational.
Lt. Smegg, seeing the orbitnauts recollect themselves, hid under the bed
and began frantically searching around in the mess there.
"I know it's in here somewhere!" he muttered.
As the orbitnauts above him began to head for the space under the bed
(having been directed so by the mercenary), just in the nick of time Lt.
Smegg found what he was looking for.
His pet Pluto mechanoid trap.
One of the deadliest plants known to robotkind.
Harmless to humans and other organic life-forms, the Pluto mechanoid trap
has an insatiable appetite for silicon.
Lt. Smegg held the plant out in front of him.
The first orbitnaut was gobbled up by the mechanoid trap.
Then the second.
Then the third.
Then the fourth.
Finally the mercenary himself came toward the bed.
Also finally, Lt. Smegg got the idea in his head to call security.
He pulled out his intercom.
"Lt. Smegg to Major Harris! Intruder alert in my quarters!"
He got the automated voicemail system.
"Major Harris is not available at this moment. If you'd like to leave a
message regarding an intruder alert, press 1. If you'd - "
Lt. Smegg pressed 1.
"If the intruder is in decks 1-10, press 0. If the intruder is in decks
11-20, press 1. If the intruder is - "
Then Major Harris came on.
"Yeah kid, whaddaya want?"
"I've got a freaking mercenary in my quarters and he sent four robots
after me and now he's trying to squeeze his big fat butt under my bed!"
"There's someone with a bigger butt than yours on board, Smegg? I don't
believe _that_ story!"
The mercenary squeezed in further as Lt. Smegg squeezed all the way into
If I were to run a personal ad it would look something like this:
"SWM seeks female humanoid.
May possibly relax either requirement if no reply."
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