What a massive pear!

The little man looked up at Jaxx and exhaled his smoke in the air as he smiled and answered, "I'm Naboo the Enigma and this is my familiar Bollo. I saw you coming here in a premonition."Jaxx got up and said, "Sorry man toking it up is not my bag man and I have things to do." Naboo took another hit and said, "Sit with me and I will help you get off this planet." Jaxx paused before sitting down to listen to Naboo.

“Most wise” the shaman nodded “Perhaps you’re not as stupid as you look”
“Hey man!” Jaxx looked affronted “I didn’t come here to be insulted”
He made to clamber to his feet but Naboo held out a hand, staying him from his course of action
“I know what you want” the little man said, with an urgent intensity
“What?” Jaxx asked suspiciously “Food?”
“No, not food...” Naboo’s eyes glittered darkly “I’m talking about what you really, really want”
Jaxx frowned, unsure of what the little shaman could mean – He was a man of simple tastes; most of them revolving around killing things
“Why don’t you tell me what I want?” he said slowly
“I’ll tell you what you want”
“What I really, really want?”
“You want to...” Naboo lapsed into contemplative silence, as Jaxx leaned forward, keen to hear the wisdom of the little shaman
“Huh?” he urged
“You wanna...” Naboo paused to take a deep toke on his bong and hold his breath
“You wanna zig-a-zig...” the shaman said in a high tight voice before finally exhaling all the smoke, sighing in relaxed relief “Ahhh...”
“What!?” Jaxx snapped angrily
“If you want my future, forget my past” Naboo intoned mysteriously
“Aw, screw you man” Jaxx pushed himself to his feet “You’re just taking the piss”
He turned to leave
“Honestly” he sniffed “I can’t believe you’d think I wouldn’t recognise those old Spice Girls lyrics – I mean come up with something original for God’s sake!”
“Bloody plagiarists’” he muttered as he stalked off “You need some fresh ideas!”
“The demon woman!” Naboo called after him, making Jaxx freeze in his tracks and turn slowly to face the shaman
“What about her?” he snarled
“She want’s you dead, and yet you’re unable to move against her, protected as she is by evil juju!”
Jaxx walked slowly back towards Naboo to stand, hands on hips, before him in his speedos
“How do you know this?” he demanded
“I know and see all” the shaman said mysteriously, taking another toke on his bong
“That’s no help” Jaxx sneered
“I know how you might kill her...”
“Oh?” Jaxx growled, crouching down in front of Naboo “Do tell..."
“Observe!” the shaman signalled to Bollo his familiar, who knuckled off, away behind a rock, only to return a moment later, clutching a large purple fruit of some sort, similar in appearance to a pineapple, only much spikier
“What’s that?” Jaxx asked suspiciously
“This is the Um-Bongo pear” Naboo said as he reverentially accepted the fruit from his familiar “It has many magical properties”
“Such as?”
“With this fruit you may achieve your heart’s every desire”
“How?” Jaxx demanded
“You need to take this...” Naboo placed the deceptively heavy, spikey fruit in Jaxx’s hands “and stick it up your arse!”
Jaxx blinked
“All the way up! – and not in slices either!”
“What!?” Jaxx could hardly believe what he was hearing
“Phil!” Jay yelled sternly as he emerged from the nearby tunnels, followed closely by the hated demon woman, and a couple of the others “Stop smegging with Jaxx’s head!”
Naboo’s shoulders slumped and he pulled a hip flask out to take a big long swig
“Bollocks Jay” he called back “I nearly had him!”
“I...” Jaxx was agape “You...?”
“Oh go on” Phil leered at him “Jam it up your arse and give us all a laugh!”
“You look nothing like FeBuggure!” Jaxx protested
“I had a bit of a bad reaction to this Poitín” Phil shrugged, waving the hip flask at him
“And the gorilla?”
“That used to be a lizard” he took another swig on the flask, draining it and, wincing, pocketed it again “This is good stuff!”
“You utter smegging bastard” Jaxx said hotly, climbing to his feet as Jay and the others arrived
“Jaxx” Jay barked “Calm down!”
“Like hell!” the shark-man snapped back and pointed a Phil “He wanted me to bugger myself with a huge pear!”
“That was extremely unfair of you” Jay admonished Phil who giggled drunkenly
Convinced he wasn’t going to get anything even remotely approaching sense from his friend, Jay shook his head and returned his attention to Jaxx
“You’ll have to excuse him – He’s special, if you know what I mean?”
Jaxx just scowled angrily
“Anyway, nothing bad happened” Jay continued in soothing tones “Despite my friends best efforts, no fruit was inserted, so let’s get over it and move on, shall we?”
He paused to look between both Jaxx and Phil before continuing
“These caves look like they would make ideal shelter for us; shall we explore them?”

What’s in the caves?

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