Alternative Lifestyle P2

Huh. If that loser reckons anyone’ll mistake him for me then the man’s more deluded than I thought.
Well, I mean he is me, but- Oh shut up, you know what I mean. It’s not like people won’t notice the absence of splendour.
He ain-, he’s not, exactly in good health like I am, and – let’s be honest – he’s nowhere near as good looking. Yeah, I know we’re the same person, but come on, even when blessed – thank the mighty God Ra – with these genes, you still have to make some effort with your appearance.

I doubt he even moisturises.

“Yes, 'Poo?”
“He’s not as good looking as me, is he?”
“What, that drab skinny thing? Of course not, darling.”
“Good. That’s what I thought.”
My beloved was tied up, hands still bound behind her back courtesy of her cruel, hotpant wearing… mmmm, slutty slutty hotpant wearing… counterpart ‘Jade’ (why they use that common pronunciation, I do not know) and her cronies. Talking of which, I had thought better of Hasina, what a disappointment to find out that she’s not to be trusted. It’s so sad that she’ll have to die now.
The thought made me sigh in sorrow.

My adoring wife interrupted the tragic thought. “I love you Lexipoo.”
“I love you too, Kitten. Shall I release you now?”
“That would be… wonderful, yes.”
God I love her accent these days, it’s become so… fruity. Mmmf. I ran my eyes over her perfect little body. There was not a snowball’s chance in hell that we weren’t going to make dynamic passionate love before pursuing our idiot do-gooder selves.

I was already free, having spotted a broken shard of vase that Merry had missed, while cleaning after her indiscretion. I’ll have to have a word with her about that – I cannot bear shoddy housekeeping. Where are Mereneith and Ankhkhaf anyway? It’s lucky for them that they’re so skilled at 'apologising'.
Anyway, I’d managed to slide the shard over and use it to cut my bonds. Complete pain in the arse, true, but for fuck's sake, I wasn’t going to stay there all night with no dinner.


I finished the food I’d had to prepare for my bloody self and released Jaahdikins. To my utter shock, the ungrateful wench didn’t thank me, but slapped me round the face!
“You’d eat before you’d free your wife!?”
What a ridiculous question. “You didn’t look especially uncomfortable. Thought you wouldn’t mind waiting.”
What was wrong with the woman? She’s so selfish sometimes.

When she’d gotten over her adorable tantrum she suggested we raise the alarm.
“Don’t be stupid” I told her “If Ra knows there are alternates of us here, he’ll drain their souls like the others.”
She glowered at me.
“That’s the whole point of trying to save them” I added, not liking the expression on her face. I know that look all too well.
She twisted my nipple. "Ow!" “That’s for calling me stupid.”
What is it with this woman and twisting? Hotpant slut had done enough twisting for the both of them, surely?
She twisted the other. "Nggfff."
“And that’s for being right. Well done. I knew you weren’t a complete imbecile.”
I sighed in a combination of annoyance and pleasure. “Shut up and get your clothes off.”
She began to unravel her complex arrangement of, exotic, erotic swathes of silk, and removed her rich, luxurious, gold bands.

Luckily for her I was only wearing my incredible loin cloth undies. They’re Jaahday’s total fave.


After several hours of fantastic sex (obv, it was with me, hello? Expert)! We decided, reluctantly, to skip the next round and sneak into town, disguised as normal people. ... I know, right? Gross. But it had to be done - we couldn’t alert Ra or the priests that there were two sets of us about or our alternates might get harvested for the ritual. I also had a terrible image of me and Kitten being harvested by accident, the others having claimed our identities. That cannot happen. The ritual is of great importance, but it’s not that important.
Let the other alternates, and if necessary Seymour and the others, die for Ra, sure, whatever, especially that nerdy Jay – Ra would be doing the world a favour there, never could stand the little dweeb – but not us!

We had no idea what Al and… ‘Jaayyde’ (eugh) were up to. They could’ve been putting us all in great danger with their foolish actions… Or showing us up around town.
Unfortunately I lost my own little Kitten amid a street brawl. We’re not used to getting quite so close to the normal people and things got a bit confusing. I think I heard her screech something angry at me, something like “Alexander get your big butt over here and get me out now!” as she was swept away by the locals. But as she would never dare to speak to me like that I must have misheard, and sadly she was gone. There was nothing I could do to assist without blowing my cover.
Meh, she’s a fiery woman, with sharp elbows. She’ll be fine. I was sure she’d catch me up later.

I decided to go and sample what the norms ate while I waited, and found myself in a nearby Koshari restaurant. I say ‘restaurant’ to be kind - because I’m like that - but to be honest, it was more of a shack.
After a while I noticed a woman staring at me. This is not unusual, of course, but were my shabby disguise-clothes not enough to put her off? Of course they weren’t. She came over and plonked herself down at my table. Forward. I liked it.
Oh… It was Katrina. I shot her my most charming smile.
She smiled back. Which was strange. She looked sort of relieved. Hello, this could be a turn up for the books...

“Where are the others?” She asked.
“Sorry, darling, what others?”
She looked at me as if I’d just called her a cow instead of extending a pleasantry.
“Erm, yes… Darling…”
She frowned and stared at me for a moment, before continuing.
“Uh, anyway, you’re the first of the others I’ve seen since we got...”

What was she on about? She’d clearly been in the sun too long.
I was losing my patience and cut to the chase. “Look, are you gonna fuck me or not?”
She gasped and gave me my second slap of the day. What the HELL?
People were looking, and suddenly realising my conspicu- my conspi- my conspicoo- how noticeable we were, I grabbed her by the wrist and pulled her outside. It wasn’t easy, she was a tough little bint.
“What was that for?” I demanded. “Alex! You asked me to fuck you!”
“But I always ask you to fuck me… It’s what we do!” And she slapped me again. Which was semi enjoyable, semi enraging, and semi-issuing. “STOP IT!”
“Alex, tell me what is going on right now. Why are you being such a perv?”

Wait a minute… She seemed different… nicer… than usual. I squinted at her, examining her more closely. Yes… she was different. Her skin wasn’t orange, for a start (despite living in the desert, Katrina is very liberal with the fake tan). And, now I came to think of it, she was speaking less roughly. I felt a smile creep over my face.
“You’re an alternate, aren’t you?” Ooh I'd captured one of my own. Ra would be pleased with me. I could use her to deflect the attention away from our own alternates. Perfect. And maybe she would fuck me, first.
At the mention of alternates she seemed confused, “Uh… what?”
“Don’t worry sweetheart, I’ll look after you. There are some very dangerous people about who want to hurt you.”
I put an arm around her shocked shoulders and guided her around the corner of the food-shack - I could see Anubis on guard, casting his eye over the town. I believe him to be loyal to Ra and he mustn't spot me in these filthy rags or lives would be at risk. Plus, I didn't want him yoinking Alternate Katrina as his own haul. I want to be Ra's golden boy.

“Sorry about the misunderstanding, your counterpart in this universe fu- makes love to me, all the time.” I lied. Truth was I always asked - like I say, it was a game we played - but I’d never got.
For a few puzzled moments she looked at me like I was insane. I nodded "Like three times a week. Ya." She wriggled out of my grip, face hard and angry. She seemed more savvy than my universe’s shallow Katrina. Damn.
“I am not your Alex…” I began to clarify, in case she still wasn't getting it. She stared, giving no sign as to whether she believed me or not.
“Please, Katrina, if that is your name, stay with me.” I put on my most sincere face. “I promise you, that if certain people here find out there are two of you, then either you, or the other Katrina, will be killed.”
She continued to stare, all distrust and anger. Shit, how could I make her trust me? What would scrawny me – who I’m assuming she liked - say right now? I put on a dumb voice like his. “I don’t want anyone to hurt you Kat.” She stared. “Innit?” I added, for good measure, wincing as I realised Al might be a lot of things, but was not, in fact, a chav.

To convince her, I smiled reassuringly. Weirdly this did not help matters. I scowled and saw her face twitch towards the positive. Ah yes, of course he’s a miserable son of a bitch, I’m not sure I’ve seen him smile once. I kept scowling.

Bizarrely, in response to my downcast face, she nodded and said:
“Okay. Tell me everything.”


<Part 3 to be posted shortly...
Not entirely sure who to tag as being in the post when dealing with alternates, heh heh.>

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