Ballistic Birdies

“What the hell is that!?” Cass pointed up at the main monitors.

Before Jay could answer, the communicator crackled to life “You bloody idiots” a voice yelled at them “You’ve strayed onto one of the practice ranges. FORE!”

Tanaka wandered into the midsection of starbug where Joss and Plisken were shooting the breeze while playing cards. He took a seat at the table next to Joss and eyed his cards.

"Nice," Tanaka smirked.

Joss shooed him away, "Back off!"

"Wiping the floor with you is he?" Tanaka leaned back in his chair. He loved not having to drive. Always better to be driven, he figured.

"No," Joss said, annoyed.

"Then what do you call losing the last five hands in a row?" Plisken asked.

"Lulling you into a false sense of security!" Joss said.

Joss then proceeded to lose the next two hands and was forced to relinquish his boots to the cyborg gardener. Plisken started to shuffle the deck and eyed Tanaka.

"Care to join in?" he asked.

Tanaka shook his head, "Nah, I never gamble with my money. Only my life. You can see where it got me."

"How did you die, exactly?" Joss asked.

Tanaka sat up in his seat. "I'll tell you if you win this next hand."

"Aw come on," Joss said. "What was it? Hit by a bus? Owed money to a loan shark? What?"

"I met your mother." Tanaka quipped.

"You didn't die in a crash, did you?" Plisken asked.

"No. I did not." Tanaka said firmly. "And that's all you have to know."

"I bet you did!" Joss exclaimed. "You were flying and crashed your ship, and you don't want anyone knowing because nobody would let you fly!"

"Nah, I know your type." Plisken said to Tanaka. "You're a lazy one." He looked to Joss. "He'd probably lie about dying in a crash just to get out of flying."

"You've got a point there," Joss nodded. "So what is it?"

Tanaka sighed and was about to speak when they were all suddenly thrown out of their chairs as the ship was hit by something. Tanaka, Joss, and Plissken scrambled to the cockpit. The ship's alarm started to blare as a red alert was issued.

"What the smeg was that?" Tanaka asked.

"We wandered onto some practice range for the GELFS," Cass said.

"And apparently they practice with antimatter golf balls the size of friggin' pumpkins," Jay said as he yanked on the controls to dodge a large, purple, glowing golf ball. "...because we're getting pummeled! One of you two get in the co-pilot's seat and help me out here!"

Joss quickly slipped into the seat before Tanaka could even get a step in. "Uh-uh, last thing we need is a guy who died in a space crash to help fly the ship."

"For the last time! I. Did not. Die. In a..." The ship lurched as another golf ball exploded after colliding with a stray asteroid just meters away. "Oh smeg it!" Tanaka shrugged, "just don't get us killed you guys!"

Starbug began to duck and weave through the hail of antimatter golf balls and asteroids. Explosions following in their wake as the golf balls collided with any form of matter on the course, be it asteroids, debris from other ships, or the vapor trail left behind by the bug's engines.

"I think these jerks are trying to hit us!" Jay exclaimed, sending starbug into a downward spiral to avoid a cluster of golf balls.

"I think I found us a way out," Cass said, "Sending you the heading now!"

"Adjusting course," Joss said.

The ship shook as another volley of golf balls exploded behind them. Soon, they were out of the range and were headed towards a massive asteroid. Jay soon found a place to land. As the ship touched down an interesting sight came into view through the viewscreen. A massive, neon sign in the shape of an amorphous, tentacled, green blob swinging a golf club.

"Ladies, gentlemen," Jay said. "We have arrived."

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