Body Hijacking

"Holly, I have eight science-damned children and a wife at home. I guarantee if I die here you're orphaning eight kids and widowing an innocent Skutter" Artemis said, secretly talking with Holly through his connection to the mainframe.

So are you going to let them kill me or are you feigning this? Artemis texted Holly.

"Sorry pervert, no can do. Only Captain Ferrington-Blonde can authorize that. So yeah, sorry"

I think you're a total pervert bub, but I'm not gonna let you get zapped. But do you have a plan because I'm sort of improvising right now.

"For the love are we supposed to take over the empire if we don't have ANY GODS DAMNED MEN!" Thoran whined.


"Are you kidding me? We're not wasting a planet busting nuclear weapon on some dinky mining ship filled with a bunch of homeless apes!" Thoran snapped back.

While the two argued Artemis and Holly tried to figure out a plan.

The commies have all our guns on their cruiser, plus they've got like, a lot of hardware on that thing. That's your best bet on fighting these guys off. Holly texted.

Can we capture it?

I tried accessing it, those imperial dudes that built it included some sort of DNA/Vocal hybrid lock, maybe these two boffins can help us bypass it

I have an idea, have The Missus meet me in the Biology laboratory. I'm going to "create" a key for us

So how are you going to get away from tweedle dee and tweedle dum?

Kill the lights when I say "twaddle", I'll take care of the rest

Got it dude

"Why do you two constantly argue?" Artemis asked.

"Because a certain SOMEBODY doesn't see that only one of us is capable of leading our front to victory!" Thoran bellyached.

"Or maybe because a certain space lizard is a self-centered cunt!" Zarrack snapped back.

"Why argue when you can just work together?"

"Oh, like we haven't tried!" Zarrack said.

"Shut up you big baby! You're the one who fights me at every turn!" Thoran whined.

"Oh, stop with all this useless twaddle" Artemis said.

The two aliens stopped arguing and looked at Artemis.

"I said...STOP WITH ALL THIS USELESS TWADDLE" Artemis repeated.

"Oh yeah" Holly said before killing the lights. When the lights came back online, Artemis was gone, leaving the two aliens bewildered.

"OH NO! I HOPE THEY DON'T FOLLOW ME TO THE BIOLOGY LAB!" Artemis yelled, already well ahead of the guerrillas.

"Well, that was convenient! GET HIM!" the two guerrillas chased Artemis down the corridors.

The guerrillas chased Artemis through several tram stops and down several decks, eventually reaching the science division. It was deserted, most of the science staff having migrated upstairs for the party.

As the pair approached the biology lab however, they were ambushed by a hologram. Zarrack turned and ran, leaving Thoran alone.

"YOU PUSSY! I'LL GET HIM THEN!" Thoran yelled, dodging the hologram and making a dash for the lab. He scurried inside and shut the door, leaving himself trapped in the darkened chamber. Off in the distance Thoran heard glass clinking.

clink, clink, clink, "THOOORRRAAAAN! COME OUT AND PLAAAAAY!" Artemis taunted from the darkness.

Thoran drew his pistol, and scanned the room. "Come out brain man! If you think I'm scared of you!"


Thoran began shaking, the clinking was coming from all around him. Suddenly, Artemis appeared in a sliver of light, three test tubes on his mechanical fingers, clinking together.


Suddenly, Thoran was swarmed by the Pritchard Skuttlings, who overwhelmed him and knocked him out. When Thoran awoke, he was bound to an operating table, stripped naked with red cut marks all over his body. The Missus slipped into his field of vision, wearing a surgical mask.

"The patient is ready for 'surgery', my dear" she said hauntingly.

"What uh....what are you guys doing? Just so you know, I'm into a three-way but I am in a committed relationship"

Artemis slipped into view with a scalpel, "Nice, talking about intercourse with my children nearby" he said snidely. "This has nothing to do with coitus my friend, this is both my plan to get rid of you pricks, and to get rid of some pent up anger, it's been a rough few weeks, you see"

"WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO TO ME!" Thoran yelled.

"I've got PhD's in both Xenobiology and Robotics, I'm about to apply both in the same surgery!"

Artemis "cracked" his knuckles and began laughed maniacally as he began operating on Thoran.


"Rise!" Artemis said....."That means get off the table you neanderthal!"

Thoran rose off the table, his body cut up and put back together worse than a wet jigsaw puzzle. Artemis had turned Thoran into a brainwashed cyborg, wired to obey his commands. With his organic parts (mostly) intact, he could be used to bypass the security on the battlecruiser. Also, when this was all over, Artemis could turn him into a butler/lab assistant of sorts, since Frank Cadbury was an actual scientist in this timeline and wasn't subservient to Artemis any longer.

"Now, say 'I'm a commie troglodyte who picked a fight with the wrong humans!'"

"I'm a commie troglodyte who picked a fight with the wrong humans!" Thoran replied.

The Skuttlings snickered. "Now say you eat used oil!" Nikola yelled.

"You eat used oil!" Thoran parroted.

The Skuttlings giggled, and bombarded Thoran with pointless phrases to say.

"Okay! Okay! You'll have plenty of time to play 'space lizard parrot' when he's our manservant, for now, let's have some fun...."

The ship's intercom crackled to life.

"Power to the people!" Thoran's voice echoed throughout the ship, inspiring his men. "We're mere moments from shutting off the holograms and reclaiming.....NOTHING!"

Artemis laughed over the intercom. "Just letting our guests know that I've taken the liberty of lobotomizing your precious Thoran. You picked the wrong mining ship to mess with you stupid space lizard commie bastards! Since they took the liberty of killing our DJ, I figured I could pick up the baton. Here's a special song that goes out to our guests here on Blue Dwarf, this ship may be bigger than most moons, but there's nowhere to hide!"

Artemis plugged one of his old holotapes into the intercom system, and giggled with evil glee as his copy of The Warriors soundtrack began playing

Throughout the ship the guerillas began consolidating their losses, but began fortifying positions that even the holograms had a hard time breaking through. The battle had grinded to a stalemate.

Meanwhile, Zarrack, now the official leader of the group, stormed the drive room and took over the helm. He set the ship on a course for the imperial homeworld, intent on taking out the crown one way or another (even if it meant crashing the 'Dwarf into the capital city).


Thoran is now a lobotomized manservant to Artemis, and can help us bypass the battlecruiser's security once we find a way to break through the rebel blocking positions between us and their ship.

The rebels have fallen back and fortified certain areas of the ship, they're more or less stuck where they are but they're not budging. Any ideas on how to break their positions?

Zarrack has overriden the ship's course lock and is going to find a way to complete his mission one way or another.

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