Good Dwarfer, Bad Dwarfer

In the 2100s, a group of useless layabouts lost the ship they called home. This group promptly lost their only means of transport on an alien world. Today, still lost, they survive as freelance handypeople. These are their stories.


‘Now, there are two ways we can do this,’ said Thomas, slowly dragging a chair over to the table, the legs screeching on the floor, ‘The easy way, or the hard way.’

‘Oh, for goodness sake,’ said the shuttle seller, tied to a similar chair on the other side of the table.

Thomas stretched his legs over the chair and took a seat. ‘How about we start with your name.’

‘Ringo,’ the shuttle seller said with a sly grin, as if he had just said something incredibly rude and vulgar.

‘Officer Ringo, eh?’ said Thomas, pretending to crack his metal knuckles. ‘Officer Ringo who sells impounded ships at the market, eh? Officer Ringo who hires offworlders to do wet work? Officer Ringo who might not be the neighbourhood friendly copper? Would you say this was true?’

‘Yes,’ said Ringo confidently.

‘Oh,’ said Thomas a little stunned, ‘C-could you say that a little louder for the benefit of the recording?’

‘I sell impounded ships at the market and hire offworlders to do wet work,’ said Ringo, leaning into the microphone of the tape recorder on the table, ‘And what are you going to do about it?’

‘It’s not us you have to worry about,’ smiled Thomas, trying to regain some composure, ‘How about we go to the Police Chief with this information?’

‘I am the Police Chief.’


‘For smeg’s sake, Plisken,’ said Cass jumping down off the kitchen counter where everybody else was sitting. ‘Why don’t we just kill him now?’

‘For the last time, we can’t just kill him.’

‘But it was okay if we went and killed a monster in a cave?’

‘I mean, yeah,’ said Thomas with a non-committal shrug, ‘The kind of big, bug eyed monster you would expect to find on alien planets?’

‘Hey, that’s racist,’ interjected Ringo.

Cass shot Ringo a glare, grabbed the back of his head and slammed it into the table.

‘We kill him, take him to the Grand Poobah, we get the money and we get the ship, and we get our stuff back.’

‘Listen,’ said Ringo, ‘What is it you want? Hm? More money? Equipment to take him down?’

‘Yes!No!’ said Thomas and Cass together.

‘There’s got to be a way that we can work this out? A way to resolve this without killing either of you,’ said Thomas hopefully.

‘He’s literally Cthulhu, Plisken.’

‘Stop calling me Plisken!’

‘Look, I think we are all getting a little side tracked here,’ said Pornsak, still sitting on the kitchen counter with the rest of the Dwarfers, the Quantum Box already under his arm, ‘They are all pineapples anyway.’

‘That’s really not helping,’ snapped Cass.

‘How about this?’ said Ringo, ‘I’ll let you use me as bait. Tie me up, take me to the Grand Poobah’s den and then when he’s least expecting it, you can take him down?’

‘You’re that desperate to kill him?’ asked Thomas.

Ringo sighed and glanced around at the Dwarfers crowded in the Giant’s kitchenette. ‘You don’t know who he is, do you? He’s a crime boss, a villain. He has the city officials in his pocket and half the police looking the other way. He deals in narcotics, slaves, prostitution, even Dr. Pepper. Diet and regular!’

‘And you want to get rid of him? Clean up the city?’ said Pornsak hopefully.

‘Do I fuck,’ said Ringo, ‘All that stuff should be mine!’

<<OOC – Just a shortish post, kick us in the direction of taking the Grand Poobah down. Will our cunning ruse work or will it go tit shaped and pears up?>>

< Prev : Other ideas Next > : Breaking Badly