Breaking Badly

"Hnnuugggrrrffppt...." Tanaka droned.

"I know. It's a horrible plan." Cass said as if she could perfectly understand what the zombie was saying.


"We can't trust either of them." Jamie agreed. "Especially since they know we considered killing them both!"


"I think it's likely. Ringo's gonna feed us to the garbage munchers when this is all said and done." Thomas replied.


"We're gonna need a better plan." Cass concluded.

"Hurrk." Tanaka agreed.

"Might I suggest something?" Dick said, raising his hand.


Meanwhile... in the Grand Poobah's office...

O'Malley and Pickman continued to hide behind the cardboard cutout of the Space Needle while occasionally poking their heads out to see what was going on with their cthulhoid captor.

"This is all your fault!" Pickman hissed under his breath.

"My fault? How is this my fault?" O'Malley asked.

"You had to make the emergency shrinky-dink decoy a smegging snow globe!" Pickman continued to hiss. "I wanted to make it a Hot Wheels car! At least then we could've driven out of here days ago!"

"And I told you that a hot wheels car wouldn't be able to go anywhere given we're so tiny. Our mass has been compacted into a small area of space, we're super-dense! The dome of the globe is a mass dampening field to keep us light weight and not raise suspicions!"

Pickman paused... "Well I didn't know that..."

Then O'Malley frowned. "Hold on... that gives me an idea..."


"This is smegging stupid, even by our standards." Cass groaned as they wheeled a large serving cart with a black sheet down the musty corridors of the cave towards the Grand Poobah's office. In the center of it was Ringo's head, which was poking through a hole cut into the center of the cart's table. The hole was masked with a serving tray filled with raspberry sauce for "blood."

"Come on, it's the classic Trojan Horse trick!" Pornsak explained. "We wheel Ringo in, the Poobah goes in to munch on the tasty snack we've literally delivered to him on a silver platter, and Ringo uses the quantum box to suck in the Poobah and his defense droid."

"My nose is itchin'," Ringo complained. "Hey, sugar-tits. Mind scratching my nose fer me?" He looked to Cass who opted to "scratch" his itch with a punch to the nose. "Thank's doll."

"Shut up!" Cass said. "You're dead. Remember?"

"Right, right." Ringo sighed and let his tongue flop out onto his chin.

The dwarfers wheeled in the cart and found the Grand Poobah sitting at his desk, reading something on his lap top. He regarded them with what looked like a smile, but one made of tentacles.

"You all work pretty fast!" he said as he gazed at Ringo's "decapitated" head. "Ah... as I suspected. Chief Ringo. Stooped to hiring out-of-towners to do your dirty work? See where it got you? Hehe..." He grinned at the dwarfers. "And you went to the trouble of presenting him to me on a silver platter! Nice touch!" Then he looked to his droid which was now standing in front of his desk. "Kill them."

"Eh?" Almost everyone said in unison.

The droid raised both of its arms and a set of what looked like uzis erupted from it's forearms. The dwarfers screamed in terror but at that moment Tanaka shambled forward and managed to absorb most of the hail of bullets with his decrepit body. Once the droid's ammo reserves clicked empty it looked somewhat dumbfounded. The rest of the dwarfers watched in horror as Tanaka's bullet-riddled corpse fell to the ground.

"Ouch..." Tanaka gurgled.

"Don't just stand there! Kill them!" GP shouted to his droid. It jumped in fear and started to fumble for extra belts of ammo strapped to its waist.

"Not so fast you squid-faced smegger!" Ringo shouted as he erupted from the cart with the quantum container. He held it up and pressed the button to release the hatch. Except nothing happened when the box opened.

It was a dud.

Enraged, GP seized Ringo by his raspberry-covered neck and began to throttle the crooked police chief.

"Hit it!" Cass shouted to Pornsak.

The naked man produced a small remote from God knows where and pressed it. Unbeknownst to Ringo and GP, but beknownst to our heroes, the real quantum container had been haphazardly duct taped to the underside of the cart. A trap door in the bottom of the cart opened in unison with the box and suddenly everything started to get sucked in. Ringo, who was suspended above the cart by the GP, was the first to go. He screamed until his voice faded.

The entire office was thrown into chaos as what felt like a massive whirlwind filled the small space. Everyone was clutching to anything that wouldn't get sucked in. Cass found the stripper pole in the corner of the room and was hanging on for dear life. Pornsak was clinging to her ankles, screaming like an overly-dramatic little girl.

Plisken and Jamie had managed to grab onto Belvedyr while he held onto an ornate marble pillar that seemed to support the ceiling. Meanwhile, Tanaka was lying comfortably on the floor next to the cart and was technically "behind" the box well enough to not be sucked in. Though the new bullets in his body were a bit of a bother.

The Grand Poobah, however, had lunged for his desk and was clinging onto it, apparently the desk was bolted down to the floor. He dug his claws into the wood and screamed as the pull from the box sucked in everything from his fancy chairs and sofas to several bags of illicit drugs and a few boxes of Dr. Pepper. Some of his file cabinets had flung open and illicit documents were swirling about the office.

Then, the automatic mechanism on the box activated and closed the hatch. Everyone fell to the ground and slowly regained their composure as papers rained down and littered the floor. The GP stood up and glared at them with fiery red eyes.

"You sneaky little shits!" He exclaimed. His tentacles making a sickening slapping noise as he spoke. "You tried to off me and the Chief both?!?" He looked for his droid to demand it finish them off, but apparently it had been sent to whatever god forsaken dimension Pornsak decided to use as a toilet. "Gotta do everything around here!" GP blubbered as he hurriedly tried to run around to his desk to reach his own gun.

However, in the chaos, the fancy rug, which really tied the room together, had become bunched up and the cthulhoid mobster inadvertently tripped on it and went falling right under the shelf of his prized snow globe collection. Dazed, the GP struggled to get back up.

"Now's our chance!" O'Malley shouted. "Now, Pickman! With all your might!"

The two tiny scientists rushed to the side of the globe facing the edge of the shelf and slammed into the glass wall with all the force they could muster, which, now that O'Malley had disengaged the dampening field masking their concentrated masses, was surprisingly considerable. The snow globe toppled off the shelf and came crashing down onto the head of the Grand Poobah.

Now, typically, a snow globe landing on your head would result in a mild bump. However, a snow globe carrying the concentrated mass of two vaguely out of shape scientists was another story. The Grand Poobah's head caved in with a spectacular explosion of green goop and slime. The snow globe broke, and immediately both Pickman and O'Malley grew back to their normal sizes... covered in aforementioned green goop and slime, and no doubt brain matter.

Everyone stared in shock at the scene they had just witnessed. Unsure what the hell had just transpired.

"Uhh... Now what?" Pornsak asked.

"Heelllppp..." Tanaka groaned.

"Ah, no worries, Jason!" O'Malley said with a surprising amount of pep for someone who was covered in the brains of an Elder God Mobster. He produced a syringe from his lab coat and sauntered over to Tanaka. "This'll take care of the stiffness and... bullet-y-ness. Sorry, you'll be passing some lead for the next five days. Can't be helped."

"I wish I was still a chicken..." Tanaka groaned.

"Well... that worked... I guess..." Jamie said scratching his head in confusion.

"My word! Look at this mess!" Belvedyr exclaimed as he produced a broom and began to sweep the floors in a manic fit.

"That ends that." Plisken said. "Poobah and Ringo are history. So where does that leave us?"

Okay, so I had an idea. What if we took over the GP's operation? I got the idea from Ringo since he said he wanted to take over. We'd no doubt get stinking rich smuggling Dr. Pepper and running illicit casinos. And... better yet... no more toilet duty!

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