Characters in this post
View character profile for: Seymour Niples
View character profile for: Justin Pancake
View character profile for: Jay Chrysler
View character profile for: Phil FeBuggure
View character profile for: Jelena Markova
View character profile for: Garr Bedge
View character profile for: Jacky Kong
Groping the dead
It had been many weeks since Justin had seen the crew, many weeks since the day he embarrassed himself in the worst and grossest way possible. It was a day he since had named the 'jizzpocolypse'.
He'd been heavily beaten that day, and hadn't forgotten it. Although he didn't bare a grudge of anger. He felt embarrassment, shame so badly that he hadn't dared show his face to the others. Instead he'd become a recluse, and sealed him inside the holographic control room where he'd dimmed the lights, lit several hundred candles and sat cross legged, meditating.
He stayed like this for a long time, and even programmed Holly to chant a soothing tune to him.
After what seemed a very long time, he stood up and announced very calmly to Holly in a soothing tone. “I'm ready.”
“Err... are you sure dude?” Holly asked.
“Yes Holly. I've purged all the sexual emotions from my body. I'm totally refreshed, and not feeling any sexual impulses now.”
Holly looked sceptical. “Alright then dude. I'll show you some pictures that you previously found arousing and we'll test your reactions.”
Justin nodded. “I promise I'll not react to any of them.”
Holly was replaced by a photograph of Susan Boyle. Justin grimmaced. “Holly I think you'd better try harder than that!”
“Sorry dude, I'm just starting at the low end of the scale.” He said. “I'll knock it up a notch.” Then showed a photo of Avril Lavigne, then Cheryl Cole. Justin stood hands on hips and glanced down at his crotch which wasn't stirring in the slightest. “See, I'm cured!”
Holly changed the photos to show a mountain goat, turning seductively to the camera.
“Holly! That doesn't turn me on either!”
“Just checking dude!” Holly said.
“I'm rehabilitated! I can rejoin the crew. Do you think they'll forgive me for the... incident?”
“What incident?” Holly asked.
“You know.... jizzpocalypse!”
“You know... when I... oh never mind. If you've forgotten, maybe they have too.”
So Justin unlocked the door and strolled out into the corridor, following Holly's directions to find Jay, Seymour, Phil and the others. After 30 minutes of walking he found them laid out in the corridor, collapsed in the floor, and Seymour slumped in his wheelchair.
“What the...? Holly, what's going on?”
“They're experiencing a shared hallucination instigated by the Doombringer.” said the computer. “Maybe you can wake them up?”
Justin shook Jelena, and realised her body was cold. “Holly, this one's dead. The lesbian is dead! And I never got that special lesbo sex show I always wanted!”
He looked down at her lifeless body, where her cleavage was just poking out the top of her flight suit. “What a waste. She's such a hottie...” He stopped himself as his mind started to think sexy thoughts. “no... no... Holly, I'm having a relapse!”
“Think about something completely unsexual quick!” Holly said.
“Good idea.... err.... Susan Boyle. Grandma Pancake. Armpit hair. Anal fungus. Wet socks. Pop tarts.”
He took a deep breath.
“Better.” he said, then looked down at Jelena's motionless body. “She's dead... she won't mind!” He reached down to grope her boob.
Justin turned, hearing a noise as someone approached. He quickly ducked around the corner, and watched as a man in a black t-shirt dropped his goggles then picked them up to put on his head. He turned towards the Hologram, and Justin felt pretty stupid for hiding. He sprang out, stepping over the bodies towards Jacky and pumping his hand furiously. “I'm Justin. I wasn't trying to rape anyone honest. I'm not into necrophilia.” He laughed awkwardly, then looked down at his boots.
“Jacky Kong.” The other man introduced himself, wincing at the unusual man. “Should we wake them up?”
“Bing bong.” Said Holly, reappearing on a wall monitor behind them. “Something I think you aught to know.”
“Not now Holly, we're waking the crew up.” Said Justin.
“Ah good. Because I need someone to fix the braking thrust valve on Deck 211. We're heading into a meteor shower far too quickly.”
“Can't you stop us?”
“No, the reverse thrust valve on Deck 211 is jammed. It needs fixing. Didn't I just say that?”
“Oh bollocks. Lets' get them woken up quickly!” Justin said, shaking Jay on the shoulder and flicking his face slightly.
“Maybe we should just go and fix it?” Said Jacky. “Sounds important.”
“Err... have you ever been to Deck 211? It's full of weird mutated poo monsters. Someone forgot to flush a toilet before we went into stasis and they evolved into something quite a lot more nasty than Mr Hanky. There's no way I'm going down there without at least a team. Go fetch a bucket of water will you?”
“Cos I need a cold shower. I'm kidding, to throw over their heads and wake them up.” A clattering from above them cause them both to look up. “Sounds like micrometiorites hitting the hull. We must be close to that meteor shower.”
“Will it damage us?”
“Not if we can fix the braking thrust valve that Holly said about. But if we carry on at full speed we'll be penetrated more times than a hooker after a military beer festival.”
Jackie looked around for a water dispenser, but only found a very small water fountain, and started flicking water from across the corridor at them.
“That's not helping. I think we'll have to do it the Inception way.” Justin said.
“What, tip people off a chair?”
“Almost. Let me turn off the gravity controls quickly. Hold onto something.” He started pulling wires out of a bulkhead on the wall, and pulled some wires apart. For half a second the gravity failed and everyone started drifting slowly upwards, including Seymour who was hovering off his wheelchair, and Jelena's dead body. Justin and Jacky too felt their feet drift away from the ground.
“And now for the falling sensation.” Justin said, twisting the wires back together.
“You're cruel!” Jacky said, watching everyone drop to the ground with multiple thuds.
“Wakey wakey!” Justin shouted. “We've got a valve to fix on deck 211!” Justin said.
“Oh god, it's him!” Said Cass, as her eyes flickered open.
Jay picked himself up off the ground, and checked Jelena's pulse. “She's dead, what happened?”
Alex knelt next to him, his face white. “I saw her... decapitated.”
Justin sidled up to them suspiciously, also looking down at Jelena. “I didn't grope her dead body. I almost did. But I stopped myself. Isn't that amazing?”
<Tag – shall we go fix this valve?>