Getting ship shape

Where: Canteen

<snip>
“Your plan has a lot of flaws it from the beginning. Given the current crew and resources, there is no way this ship can be cleaned in the next ten years much less a week. Not to mention all the Non-JMC life forms you would have to space or hide from an inspector who can walk through walls. The way I see it you would be better off using a smaller transport with official Corp. members and representatives. You can request an inspection of the transport and fill out the forms for emergency supplies.
<end snip>

Seymour mulled this over. The overly aggressive marine with a sick sense of humour actually had a point, although Seymour didn't want to admit it. They could use a much smaller craft, like one of the Starbugs they had on the flight deck, crewed by their most 'sensible' people. By sensible, Seymour obviously didn't include homicidal killing machines like Jaxx, or the sex maniac Mr Pancake, or the unpredictable Ms Jones, or the idiotic Mr Yuwan'Kar, the ex-killing machine Mr Bedge, or the delusional Mr Solvay, or the flatulent Mr Febuggure who was still refusing to get dressed, or the hard to explain giant hamster.

Christ. That didn't leave many people.

He theorised that he could staff the Starbug with just himself and Jay, but Jay wouldn't want to be away from Katrina and his child for too long, but then they'd have to explain why they have a baby on a military spaceship.

This was going to be difficult. He scrapped the idea and decided the invite the Inspector here. Hopefully he could spend 2 hours showing him around the engineering decks until the inspector grew bored and left them alone. Seymour just hoped they didn't meet any Huzards along the way.

He grabbed a pen and paper to make a note of everything they needed to do. Seymour actually liked planning, it was something he was good at. But he needed someone to push his wheelchair. “Mr Solvay-” He paused as the two locked eye contact. He flashed back to the awkwardness of the shower, and they both looked away in shame. “Mr Febuggure, would you mind pushing my wheelchair today?”
Phil stood up, still totally naked, causing Seymour to look away quickly. “Good grief man, are you ever going to get dressed?”
“I like it. Liberating.” Said Phil, then lifted his leg to trump.
“Disgraceful.” Said Seymour. “But as you'll be behind me, I don't care much. Would you do the honours?”
Phil moped over and pushed Seymour out of the canteen into the corridor. Seymour started noting down things they needed to do, pointing to each broken lightbulb and frayed piece of wiring and then scribbling it down on his list.

Almost an hour later as they passed through the crew section, Seymour knocked on the door of Jacky and Justin's quarters. Inside he could hear squabbling, and when the door opened, Jacky was wearing a torn Lord of the Rings poster around his neck and looking extremely angry.
“Gentleman, ahh, I see you're getting on nicely.” He said, completely missing the obvious tension. “I was wondering if instead of decorating your walls with menial posters, you'd instead hang paintings of important military personnel throughout history?”
Both Justin and Jacky winced.
“There's a painting of Field Marshal Bernard Montgomery in the storage locker at the end of this corridor, I'd like you to hang that instead of that awful movie poster.” He looked directly at Jacky. “Don't forget to get a haircut too. Military grade 1 please. Oh, and get yourself a protein shake. You're looking skinny.”
He turned to Justin.
“Mr Pancake. Stop that and get your hand out of your pocket. I can see what you're doing. We'll have none of that business when the Inspector comes.”

Phil pushed him further down the crew corridor to Plisken's quarters. “I do hope you're going to shave off that beard.” Seymour said as Plisken came to the door. “And don't forget to put your uniform on! We've all got to appear smart!”

A few minutes later, and several desks away, Phil pushed Seymour down the corridor where Jaxx's lab was supposed to be. “Is this is?” Seymour asked.
“No idea.” Said Phil. “Holly said Jaxx and Cass were last spotted around here.”
Seymour called out “Mr Jaxx? Mr Jaxx?” Until a section of wall opened, revealing a door. Jaxx's muscular frame stepped out, blocking the door. “What are you doing here?” He asked, trying to stop Seymour from looking inside.
“Mr Jaxx, I've got a special task for you when the Inspector comes. I need you to go to the arboretum and distract the Huzards. We don't want the pesky buggers running around and causing the Inspector to ask unnecessary questions do we? Think of it like an all you can eat buffet.”

Jaxx nodded slowly. Then saluted. “You can count on me sir!” He said, then skulked back into his lab.
“Good that'll keep him out of the way.” Seymour said as Phil pushed him back to the canteen.
-------------------------
Where: Canteen

Seymour had gathered everyone back for an emergency meeting.
“So I've created a list of everything that needs doing.” Seymour said, and handed out a photocopy to everyone. Mr Solvay, I want you to fix the faulty wiring around the ship. The entrance to the Drive room has so many sparks flying that it's like running the gauntlet. I know we take that for granted, but the Inspector will see it as a serious health and safety concern. I need you to fix this without taking power offline too, we've got too much work to do without having to do it in the dark.”
“You want me to fix faulty wires, when they've got current running through?”
“Yes please.”
“Do you know how dangerou-”
Seymour had already moved onto the next item. “The Promenade floor needs buffing and polishing, it's looking grotty, especially the vomit stains outside Parrotts bar. There's not much we can do about the rodents running the shops there, ideally we should be giving each an English lesson and hosing them down, but I suggest just giving each of them a nice hat and saying they're immigrant workers.”

There were a few raised eyebrows around the table.
“Also Mr bedge, would someone mind finding a uniform for Mr Bedge? If there's none in his size, a suit would do. Maybe Armani? Just something, anything to prevent him looking like a cyborg killing machine.”

He read a few more things on his list, and everyone started looking bored.

“Regarding the Belhaphasarans, of which I think we only have a small number left onboard, I suggest we herd them into the Arboretum, so we can keep them out of the way of the Inspector.” If he wants to see inside, we could just tell him we're growing some special photosensitive tomatoes and his lightbee might ruin them. Mr Plisken, can you see to the Belhaphasarans and make sure they stay out of sight?”

Jay looked around their makeshift meeting table. “Where's Jaxx?”
“Glad you asked.” Said Seymour. “I've told him to go to the arboretum and 'distract' the Huzards, I want to keep him out of the way of the Inspector, he's too unpredictable.”
“Isn't it ironic that we're posing as a military ship, and you're hiding the only military personnel we have?” Said Jacky.
Seymour ignored him, but noticed his goggles. “Mr Kong haven't we talked about proper uniform? your goggles aren't regulation. Give them here.”
“No!”
“Give them here.” Seymour repeated like a teacher. Reluctantly Jacky handed them over. Seymour took them and passed them behind him to Phil, who was still stood holding onto his wheelchair. There was a snigger and Seymour turned to see Phil dangling the goggles off his erection.
“Mr Febuggure! What have I told you about getting dressed!”

“Ahem. Well that brings me to my next point, us males still have our... problem, which is why we need the medicine from this Spacecorps derelict in the first place. It's too complicated to explain this to the Inspector, so I suggest you try and keep this discrete. And keep it in your pants too Mr Pancake.” He shot a glance over the table.

“We do have one jolly big problem however.” Seymour continued. “All this planning has taken so long, the inspector will be here in 5 minutes.”
“What?” Everyone started panicking and rushing about and bumping into each other, which was embarrassing for the men.

Next to him, Jay leaned over. “Thanks for planning this Seymour, but I think as the Captain, I should be the one holding the meetings.”
“Ahh that brings me to my next point.” Seymour said. “Who exactly IS the Captain?”
“Well, I just assumed that as I was Captain last...” Said Chrysler.
“Ahh, yes but there's a problem old chap.” Seymour said. “According to the official ship's record, you're not the Captain.” He paused . “Amber Febuggure is.”
Jay nodded his head “Yeah, but she's trapped in stasis, we can't get her out. We all know that.”
“But the Inspector doesn't, he'll read the file on our main computer, and want to see Mrs Febuggure.”
“We'll just change it. No problem.” Said Jay, then turned to the TV screen on the wall. “Holly, can you change the official record to say I'm Captain?”
“Sorry, I can't do that dude.” Said Holly.
“Why not?”
Seymour tapped his notepad with his pen. “Official records say you're dead.” He said. “Holly needs an order from the Captain herself, or one of the senior staff.”
“You do it?” Jay suggested. But Seymour shook his head. “I'm not staff remember? I was an Ambassador, the the JMC Managing Director, but not official crew.”
“Smeg. So what do we do?”
“We'll have to pretend Captain Febuggure is still in charge.”
“What do you want me to do, dress up in drag?”
Seymour raised his eyebrows. “Actually... that might jolly well work.”

Holly piped up above the commotion and everyone busying themselves. “The Inspector's transferring over in 2 minutes dudes.”
Seymour turned back to Jay. “I'll meet him in the Drive Room, and keep him distracted.” He spun his wheelchair around, suddenly facing Phil's glowing erection. “PUT SOME CLOTHES ON MAN!”

<OOC - Does someone else want to post the entrance of the "inspector"? What will go wrong? >