Video Games Suck

During the Ball

Plisken sat with Phi, listening to Artemis tell the story of Frank Cadbury. Plisken and Phi had sat together for most of the evening, mainly watching the others dance drunkenly while they tried to talk. By now, they had moved in with the rest of the Dwarfers, both of them being equally drunk from the constant stream of whiskey that Plisken some how managed to claim.

<Snip>
"You know what I really miss about Blue Dwarf?" Artemis asked, the group fell quiet.
"What?" Eve asked.
"Never running out of people to talk to. You know what I mean?" Artemis slurred his words, but everyone got the gist of what he was saying.
"Yeah, we had a good crew" Plisken commented.
"But you know who I miss the most? Science Technician First Class Franklin William Cadbury" Artemis shouted, spilling his liquor on the floor as he threw his hands on the table for dramatic effect.
</Snip>

Plisken thought carefully: Franklin Cadbury… Must have been one of the many people he’d never met on the ship all those years ago. He turned to Phi, “Cadbury?” he mouthed, letting Artemis slur his way through his memories without interruption. Phi gave a shrug, she didn’t no either.
"I didn't know Frank that well, but every morning he would greet me with a smile while walking to the ISD lab. Even when things weren't going well he was always happy,” Artemis said, tripping over his words.
“Thish galaxay is lesher for his death,” slurred Plisken, the drink obviously getting to him. Phi placed and hand on his shoulder, obviously thinking that Plisken actually missed Cadbury. Maybe he should miss him even if he hadn’t met him. But that was something to think about later, when his brain was marinating in Jack Daniels.

The Next Morning

The old man woke the next morning staring down into the drive core. As his brain slowly began to focus on the world around him, which was no easy feat, a sense of fear crept up on him. As the height of the drop from his precarious sleeping place donned on him, the old man quickly scrambled back. He had been sleeping on what appeared to be a service gantry over looking the primary drive core that powered the whole ship. He was sure that in his drunken state it had seemed like a good idea to, instead of going to his perfectly reasonable bunk, make a bed out of empty bottles and sleep 50 feet up on a metal platform that had probably been made by penniless street urchins: poorly. A quick hand crossed his face and the pain of a slap set in.

“That was terrible,” muttered Phi.

Plisken spun round to see the good doctor lying in an equally dangerous place above him on a fuel pipe, her hand dangling down. “Wha-?”

“Penniless street urchins… poorly… terrible,” she said as she rolled over in her partial sleep.

Plisken rubbed his face with his metal hand, the cold material shocking him into being fully awake, he must have been talking out loud. He collapsed gently onto his bed of bottles and put his head on the pillow. Then the pillow squeaked. And began to move. Perhaps his brain needed more than just a cold touch to wake it up but the pillow did kind of feel like a mouse. With a shock Plisken bolted up and let the rodent stand up. It looked as if he was about to start complaining about being slept on but the hangover kicked in before he could open his mouth. He waved away the event and started to walk away. More groans came from around Plisken as the rest of the After Party and Post After Party guests woke up. A hissing sound came from behind him. Plisken turned around and saw his record player spinning a record. “I Don’t Want To Set The World On Fire” was the song that had been playing. A dread came over him as he suspected that he had tried his best to sing the song. He lifted the needle and placed it back to the beginning over the record, the volume turned down to an acceptable loudness. The rest of the night came flooding back to Plisken in one big tidal wave of memories.

Once Artemis had finished talking about Cadbury, Plisken had found a bottle of alcohol from the bar. And despite some of the Dwarfers warning him that it was ‘dangerous’ and ‘could kill him’, Plisken took a sip of the hazardous drink. Well, when I say a sip… And then Plisken offered the bottle around the group while they told increasingly unbelievable stories. Phi and Plisken had then, under the influence of 3,000,003 year old drink, wandered the ship looking for the After Party, which every good party had. And that, for some reason, was in the engineering department. Above the drive core.

“Dudes, there is a meeting in the refectory in half an hour. There is a meeting in the refectory in half an hour.”

“That’s nice Holly,” muttered Phi as she pulled a blanket over her head as the interior lights brightened. That blanket was, however, Plisken’s coat.

“Miss Moreau?” said Plisken gently as he poked the huddled mass, “Miss Moreau?”

“No, I want the first incision…”

“Phi?”

“What, wait, what?” said Phi as she rolled out of her spot and over the fuel pipe. Plisken wondered as he saw Phi flail her arms wildly as her brain woke up, what was it like to wake up and the first thing you see it the ground rushing up to you. Thankfully, Phi’s fall was broken by Plisken putting his arms out to catch her.

“Pli- Plisken? Why are we in the engineering core?”

“I’ll explain later.”

The Refectory

“I’m glad you could join us.” Seymour snorted as Alex walked in later than the rest of the crew. Plisken had taken a spot behind the main mass of the crew, over looking the rest of them. From here he could see most of what was going on, like Jade mouthing something to Alex. Plisken silently wished he had Alex’s ‘girl problems’. He was, what, 70? 73? As much as Plisken liked being old, there were some draw backs.

Plisken shook his head and re-focused on what Seymour was saying. Was he saying anything? Not anything useful anyway. But his focus was broken when, out of the corner of his eye, he saw Alex staring at him. What was he thinking? Jade was trying to say something to him, or mouth somethin, but couldn’t break Alex’s train of thoughts. Plisken indicated with his pipe but by the time Alex snapped into reality, Jade had turned back around.

<Snip>
“Yes.” Artemis was saying. “Unfortunately, while partaking of-“ Seymour gave him a look “… a certain, shared subst- er experience, late last night, Jacky and I discovered the virus is quite deeply embedded indeed. Quite nasty.”
“Yeah.” Jacky called from his chair, not bothering to stand up.
“Now," said Artie with a flourish of his hand, "we’ve deduced that the most fun-" Seymour shot him another look “… uh, that is to say the most efficient way of dealing with the problem, is to send a team in to manage it manually…”
</Snip>

Plisken felt his heart jump slightly, which at his age could be quite dangerous but it wasn’t that. Adventure! Plisken thought. Sure the ball had been fun, and getting drunk with Phi had been fun but this was going to be better. How were they going to do it? Take the fight to Brittany? Assault a base? A ship to ship battle?
“…are going to have to enter the virtual reality world in order to manually deal with the virus with all available haste.”
Great, VR. Plisken had never been good at video games.

VR Suite

As the volunteered crew-members arrived at the VR machines they mentally prepared themselves for their dangerous mission as they waited for Artemis to finish his preparations. Plisken was hoping that he wouldn’t have to actually do any ‘gamey’ things.

<Snip>
Artemis said, “Now, I tried to stabilize this machine as much as I could but it is only a patch job for now, so be prepared.” After the volunteers entered the VR machines they tried to relax as they hoods lowered. After Artemis said, “I am hoping to get you into the core but there is a chance you may end up in a random location or program.” Jaxx just gave Artemis a thumbs up and let the hood come down again. Once the crew was ready, Artemis gave the go had and the crew began entering the VR.
</Snip>

As the crew continued on a bright light flashed before there eyes and blinded them for a short time. As everyone’s eyes adjusted to the light they noticed they were in a forest. As they looked around they saw they were wearing medieval fantasy clothing and armor.
Plisken looked around at the rest of the crew. It was all quite humorous, Jaxx was a gardener, and Jay was a priest. Now, it was not often that Plisken would swear, especially in front of women, but there came a time in everyone’s life, whether they see it coming or not (and Plisken definitely did not see this coming) that they have to swear.

“What the fuck?!” shouted Plisken as he looked down at the ridiculous red dress and corset that the VR had assumed would be a good colour to go with his eyes. His hands felt the stupid hair do that his long white hair and been twisted up into.Unfortunately, the outburst only attracted the attention of the others, who turned around and burst into laughter. Plisken saw Alex sneak away, decked to the nines in a jester’s costume.
“I hate video games!” fumed Plisken.

<Snip>
Shortly after, a little old man in red and gold robes appeared from behind a tree. The short old man said, “Greetings young Dungeon Raiders I am Dungeon Master and I will be your guide. As Dungeon Raiders you have been randomly equipped with a class, skills and one special weapon. Dungeon Master looked at Evelina and smiled as he said, “You my dear have been selected as a mage of level 1. In your spell bag you will find a book of spells you may cast from, but be wary if you mispronounce the words it will alter the spell. Your staff is needed to channel your magic spells so be sure not to loose it. Then the Dungeon Master looked at Jaxx and snickered a little as he said, “I see you have been selected to be the Florist. You now possess a magical watering can that can pour infinite amounts of water, which can also make plants grow faster and you can arrange magnificent flower arrangements.” Evelina continued to snicker with her hands over he mouth to muffle the sounds. Jaxx looked at Evelina with a disappointed look as he said, “Really Eve babe?” Evelina managed to catch her breath as she said, “I’m sorry I can’t help it, but I promise I will make it up to you.” Jaxx sighed as he replied, “Ok fine Eve babe.”
</Snip>

“So what the smeg-fuck am I?!” shouted Plisken, not really containing his anger well. The slight smile the Dungeon Master provided only stoked the anger burning inside him.
“You, my dear, are a Madame, the ‘leader’ of a brothel-“
“And how exactly is that useful?!”
“Dude, I’m a florist,” said Jaxx, holding up his little watering can to prove his point (not that it needed proving).
“Yes, but at least you do something useful. What the hell can I do?”
“You have the power of seduction-“
“Oh, do I? That’s right, because I’ve often found myself falling under the seductive powers of a pensioner in drag who still has a beard growing!” shouted Plisken, waving his bear in the Dungeon Master’s face.

<Snip>
“Wait a minute… Where’s Solvay?”
Alex had been with them in the VR suite.
“Ain’t comin’ out.” A grumpy voice rumbled from behind a tree, answering that question.
“I am afraid the skills of every one of your band will be needed on this quest” the Dungeon Master calmly informed Jay. “It is not possible for anyone to stay behind.”
“Wanna bet.” Alex grouched.
“Solvay!” Jay snapped, reminding him to keep it together. “For the ship.”
“But-”
“And the group… Cass!”
</Snip>

<Snip>
“I’m a smegging prostiute Alex, you can’t be that bad!”
</Snip>

<Snip>
“Fucksake…”
The Dungeon Master raised his eyebrows at the language.
“Sorry” Jay apologised, on behalf of his bad tempered crewman.
With a curious selection of noises, Solvay emerged from the tree he’d been hiding behind.
… He was dressed in a colourful Jester’s outfit – ridiculous hat, tights, bells, silly shoes an’ all.
The less-than-dashing ensemble fitted his long, currently lean, form in ridiculous ways.
He took a few, jingling, steps forward, parts of the outfit and the bells moving and shaking as he walked. Jay and a few of the others laughed openly at the absurd sight of the grumbly withdrawn Solvay dressed as a merry court jester.
“Well done.” Encouraged the Dungeon Master, approving of the mirth, “you’re using your skills already.”
Alex gave him a scowl, the force of which would’ve obliterated lesser sprites.
Before Jay could apologise for Alex again, there was an almighty screech from overhead which sent shivers down all of their spines. It was followed closely by two other shrieks.
“Dragons!” The Dungeon Master announced. “And not the good sort.” He peered skywards. “Dark Dragons, headed straight for us by the sound of it.”
He wheeled and faced the group, who’d automatically moved closer to each other, forming a defensive unit. His face seemed suddenly harsh and like it was lit from below.
“Be on your guard, I’m betting this is just a little starter. Now, what are you going to do?” He asked “Make a decision, and use your skills…”

</Snip>

“Yeah, that’s right: Dragon’s frequently are stopped by fans!” snapped Plisken, producing one of the ‘weapons’ he’d been given.

<Snip>

Jaxx looked at his watering can. “But dude, we haven’t had hardly any practi-“
Unfortunately, he was talking to the patch of thin air the Dungeon Master had just disappeared into.
“Great.” Said Alex. “He’s smeggin’ left us to it.”
“Shut up and get ready.” Jay snapped.
Alex glared, and shook his little stick with bells on.
“Fat lot of good this’ll do…”
There was another SQQQWWWUAAAWWWWKKKERRRGHGHHGH!!!!
“Look out everyone!” Jay shouted, backing towards the trees. “Incoming!”

</Snip>

Plisken hitched up his skirt so that he could run from the dragons more easily. Once he had been a great war hero: stared down demons from the edge of the galaxy, armies turned at the mention of his name and entire fleets stood behind him as he led them into battle hardened ranks of enemies. Now he was a smegging Madame.

After Much Running From Dragons

<Snip>

Treguard appeared in front of them all.

"Welcome to level Two." He said. "You have made it through the forest, but now, you need to gain access to the Castle." he said. In front of them all was indeed a huge castle. The forest was spread out behind them, with no sign of dragons or goblins.

Up at the castle gates, there was a single guard. He looked almost as big as the gates themselves.

"Beware, there is a Giant that guards these gates. This is level Two, so he will be more powerful than the Dragons..." He said to everyone, before turning to Jamie.

"Your new friend may be of some use here." He said. "You, are what we call a mesmeriser. Your powers are those of mind tricks. Your main ability is distraction. If you use it well, you may well be able to get everyone past this guard, but the others will have to find a way through the gate. Your powers do not work on inanimate objects.

"Great." Jamie said. He looked down at himself.

In this world, he was wearing what looked like a green velvet suit. He could feel something on his face, which he removed to check on. It was a masquerade type mask, not unlike the one he had been wearing at the ball. However, this one was shiny.... It was mostly green, but with specks of silver on it.

</Snip>

Plisken tried to hold in any smart comment he might try and make, for fear of reminding people that he was dressed as a Madame.

<Snip>

... THUMP. THUMP. THUMP. THUMP.

“FEEE FIII FOOO FEEPLE, I SMELL THE BLOOD OF SPACE-PEOPLE!”
“MEE TOO MAURICE!”
“LET’S GEDD ‘EM!”

“Smeg! You were saying!?”

The Dwarfers began to run and scatter

</Snip>

<OOC- Sorry for not actually writing what happens after that but I just wanted to get Plisken up to this point and see what other people do. Also, I hope other people found this funny or I'm going to look very strange...>